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Dragging my kids along my emotional roller coaster Help!

Posted by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 5:16 AM
  • 7 Replies
When I had my daughter she was an emergency C section when I went into labor at 31 weeks because preeclampsia had caused a blood clot to form under the placenta and she was abrupting. I had to be given 3 blood transfusions, my one kidney the only one I have threatened to fail and I spent nearly 2 weeks recovering and caring for my premie. As a result of all of the care she needed and my emotional state I started to distance myself unintentionally from my two boys. Now two years later I've lost it! We had $10,000 in savings, were preapproved for a home, buying my favorite car that I've wanted for years, a Honda CR-V... and everything just went to hell. I didn't notice being caught up in my own world of troubles and treating my only daughter better than my two little boys... but the other day the boys cut her hair while I was cleaning out my 3 year old sons bathtub surprise and I lost it completely. I told them I couldn't handle them anymore and wanted to send them away, they were just too bad, and spanked them both and threatened to take all of their toys and games... I'm crying my eyes out as I type this. I can't believe that I've become such a monster. And the worst part was realizing I've distanced myself from my older son to the point I really don't like him anymore. How does this happen? How could I ever be so calloused and just so distanced from one of my babies that I don't even want to see him? Dread him coming home from school? I hate myself fir this! I guess the question after the rant is how can I fix this? How do I reverse this damage Our caused by my depression, stress, and unforgivable actions? We are trying to get Medicaid right now because my Gap coverage ran out in January and my husband lost his construction management position in August and is now working his McJob until something better turns up. Do I can't even get back on the antidepressants I was on after my daughter was born to help me. Did I just kill my poor kids' psyche or can I fix this?
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 5:16 AM
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by Gold Member on Mar. 8, 2013 at 6:18 AM
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You need to get into some counseling for yourself, and eventually the kids too...

by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 8:30 AM
1 mom liked this

I think you can fix this momma, just sit him down and explain that you lost your cool, and you shouldn't have said that and you didn't mean it. It is good for kids to see parents own up to their own mistakes and ask for forgiveness. 

I also think you should seek some sort of therapy if possible. 
HUGS momma 

by Gold Member on Mar. 8, 2013 at 8:43 AM

Counseling is a must.  For you.  And family counseling as well.  And, I think you need to make time at least once a week that is just for you and your boys.  Have your DH stay with your DD or find a sitter and just go do something with your boys.  Take them to a park, go for a nature walk, take them out for a mommy/son lunch.  I just can't imagine losing the connection between myself and my kids.  Ever.  A talk with them is definitely in order.  They NEED to know that whatever this is...is NOT their fault.  Can you get to a public health place and get some meds that way?  

by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 9:15 AM
I think an apology and explanation of your behavior is definitely in order. You don't say how old your boys are, but you should just remember to explain it on a level that is age appropriate. Your Health department is a great place to start for resources and low cost meds. They should also be able to set up your entire family with some sort of therapy. I also agree with the previous poster about taking time for just you and your guys. You also need mommy time, whether it is going by yourself to get coffee or shopping with a friend. You will feel better, and less stressed if you have an outlet and a place to vent. I think you can fix this, kids are resilient and forgiving, but even kids have limits. So, for the sake of your boys please start to work on it now, before it is too late. And most of all, remember that messing up doesnt make you a terrible parent or person, you have to forgive yourself and do better in the future. Good luck, and lots of hugs to you!
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by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 9:18 AM

You can fix this! Explain to your boys that what they did was unacceptable, and in turn, your words were also unacceptable. I think we all visit our crazy side every now and again, no one is perfect. It sounds like you have had a lot of stress on you and while its not okay to take it out on your kids, most of the time that's what we as imperfect people do, we take out our stresses on the people closest to us. Good thing is, they are your children, and YOU are the only mother they will ever have. They will love you no matter what. Use this as a teaching experience and show them that even mommy's mess up too. Let them know how much they mean to you and see about finding a way to give them some extra time and loving. While you're going through all of life's "oh so lovely" battles, tell them something to the effect of you're just not feeling well, and give them things they can do to help you around the house, (not sure how old your oldest son is) but even giving them the littlest things to do to "help" you will help give them that feeling of self worth and knowing that they play an important part in Mommy's day. I wish you the best, you are in my prayers!

by Barb on Mar. 8, 2013 at 9:27 AM

Tell them that you did not mean it, that sometimes people say things they don't mean when they are tired or upset, and that you feel awfully badly about it - even from the time the words came out of your mouth. I think the boys would benefit from talking with a professional, since even if you tell them you didn't mean it, they'll wonder, maybe even later in life, if you did. You really need help yourself. You aren't a bad person, you need meds and counseling. Good luck.

by on May. 5, 2013 at 8:02 AM

Thank you all for your encouragement. It's been so hard lately, I'm one constant panic attack.

I didn't post everything here at first because I was using my cell phone and it's hard enough to type the essentials using that keypad!

I need to be in therapy and on medications, but since financially that's not an option, I've started having friends stop by or just stay with me when I'm alone with the kids. I have Complex PTSD from my childhood of egregious abuse, neglect, and abandonment to foster care at the age of 12 (which was nothing but worse abuse). I know what I'm doing, disassociating from my children, and it's not something I can completely control. I've tried local health centers, but they've put me on a 3 month waiting list, and things just keep getting worse and more intense. Flashbacks, insomnia, panic attacks et al.

I love my children dearly, they are 5, 4, and 2 (on the 26th of this month). I just hope that one day I can explain this to them in a way they can understand. Mommy just couldn't focus on the here and now because her past kept her prisoner and it's not your fault...

Keep us in your prayers and thank you all again for the support :) 

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