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Long sorry...I want to be petty so me down.

Posted by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 7:03 AM
  • 18 Replies
So my sister is currently deployed. She has two young children at home. Her husband is with the kids during her 6 monther. We live several states away from each other.

Before she left, we got into a couple of fights. She said some mean things to me, for no reason. We normally get a long great! It hurt when she said them and then NEVER apologized. I chalked it up as her pre deployment stuff and *tried* to move on. It's been about 3 months into her deployment. We have talked a little over messaging but its not what it was before :( I have sent a package or two. Christmas and my kids birthdays came and went and auntie didn't send anything their way (neither did her husband who is home with the kids). I made sure I sent something for them! They are my niece and nephew, and even though we have been arguing, I wouldn't neglect the kids at bdays or Christmas.

My sister skypes everyone but me. So I messaged her and say hey, I know we are not a priority but I know the kids would love to Skype with you! She completely ignores it.

I am just so tired of reaching out....especially when she was so hurtful to me before. I don't wanna send anymore packages (I actually have a box of stuff ready to go!) or try to reach out. I just feel like bein totally petty to her right now, like I feel the way she has treated me. I know I should (and want) to take the high road here and keep on, but I just feel like she doesn't care about me nor does she want to be friendly. I just hate it because my sister and I used to be really close.

I probably sound like an awful person since she is deployed and away from her babies but she sure seems to be jokey and friendly with everyone but me. I don't and won't get on her while she is deployed, I guess I need help dealing.
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by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 7:03 AM
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by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 7:36 AM
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I really think you need to clear the air with her. Write her a letter.
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by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 7:42 AM
You are a good sister. Maybe she is pushing you away because of something going on at home that she is struggling with. Just guessing, but maybe she is missing home more than she can say. I agree you should not get on her case during deployment, but I don't think a brief but honest mention of your feelings would hurt. Maybe say something like, " I know you're dealing with a lot right now, but your actions (list what has upset you) really hurt my feelings. I am really hoping we can talk about this when you get back." That will give her the opportunity to think about it, or if she is ready, explain her actions and apologize. Maybe she doesn't even realize she has hurt your feelings. Hope this helps, I have two sisters and I know how hard it can be just to maintain a relationship. Good luck!
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by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 10:37 AM

I would send her the package since its already done and ready. It would be petty to not send it when you clearly got it ready for her but you dont have to continue to make them for her. I would wait until she is back home and then talk to her about whats bothering you. Maybe you can work it out and rebuild the relationship you once had and if not then atleast you will have some closer and you both will know why the other one was mad/hurt to begin with.

by Barb on Mar. 8, 2013 at 10:39 AM

Of course you are hurt.  Let it go until she gets back. While she is away isn't a good time to deal with it.

by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 10:54 AM

i would send her that package with a letter explaining everything, lettingher know how u feel, look up "I statements" or message me for some tips (=

by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 11:01 AM

Aw - you sound so sad! I know how much it hurts - I have 2 sisters and we get along great - but I feel horrible when we have fights and sulk and not talk for a few days. I would say - dont put yourself in a position to get hurt anymore. Shes deployed, you dont want to burden her - thats fine and understandable - but its ok to stop reaching out since shes not responding. You've done your bit in terms of verbalizing it. Let go of your need to set things right. I would say keep sending presents to the kids so the relationship does not shurt down totally - but with her - just let it go for a while. Send the box you have ready for now - and after that -if she  doesnt respond - dont reach out to her anymore until she does. But do talk to the kids - they are your family and they didnt have anything to do with it. The husband is probably avoiding you coz he doesnt want to get into trouble with his wife knowing she has a problem with you right now. Love will set things right in the long run. God bless.

by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 11:23 AM
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I'd send the package since it's ready to go, but personally I'd discontinue any more contact with her. I would not send a letter about your feelings because it may/or may not upset her and deployments are hard enough without baggage from home. I am sure she is missing her kids and husband and is jealous you get to be home with yours, so no need to upset her more.

As far as her husband, I'm sure he is busy enough with the kids and no offense but he is not tracking anything but day to day activities with the kids and missing mom/wife.

I am truly sorry you are hurt but it will have to wait until your sister comes home to resolve it. Adding stress during deployment makes it tougher on her, and probably just makes her more bitter at you because you are home safe and sound.

Much luck and God Bless you and your sister! I am an army wife so deployments are a way of life and I always have to remember it's not about me, it's about bringing everyone home safely.

by Mariah on Mar. 8, 2013 at 1:44 PM
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Thanks for all the advice ladies. It is a tough one. I am probably no where near her radar. And yet, I am at a loss. I was excited to at least send her stuff during this deployment (not the thought that she would be away from her family) and be supportive, I am her sister after all.
I will send that package but it will probably be my last.
Maybe it is something more going on with her home life. I know I am tired of reaching out and getting smacked down. I will def keep in touch with the kids! Love them!
Hope we can work things out when she gets back, too.
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by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 2:22 PM

Have you talked to her about why she said mean things before she left?  And, why she is still shutting you out? Not getting on her but in a caring manner. When you had your fights think about what you said.  Did you also say things that were hurtful or that could have been perceived as hurtful to her? It sounds like there is an underlying problem that is still going on.  And, until you get to the heart of it you and your sister may not make up. 

by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 2:49 PM
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This seems to be one of those circumstances when you can be right, or you can be happy, probably not both. She hurt you before she left.  Based on her behavior, I would guess she feels hurt too. It seems you don't know what you said or did that hurt her.  I would guess it came shortly before the mean things she said to you. (Her perception even if it seems unreasonable to you.)

You can be right. Your sister said mean things to you, is deployed and ignoring you and ignoring your children (all true) or you can be happy by forgiving her unlovingness and continuing to be the loving sister you seem to want to be.  If that's your truth, don't stop it.  Just stop expecting it to be returned.  Do you love her and her family BECAUSE they send love back, or do you love them just because they are?  If you can't give love from that place, you should stop and see if you can reconcile when she gets back. 

If you can extend love without expecting anything in return, just because you  truly love her, do so.  You could even attach a note to the box that says "It seems that I hurt you. I am sorry if I did. I will always love you."


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