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MIL issues.. HELP!

Posted by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 9:47 AM
  • 10 Replies

My mother in law lives across the country. Recently, I explained to my husband that i found it disrespectful for his mother to be giving him messages from his ex's. I told him that it was hard enough to have to read her praising these women on facebook all the time, but that being the messenger was just where I had to draw the line. This was something that I shared with my husband, thinking it would stay between us. He thought I was being ridiculous, so he in turn shared this with his mother. His mother stated that she is a grown woman and can be friends with whomever she pleases, following that with deleting myself and my mother from her facebook, (which is the only contact we have since we are so far apart) and told my husband that she had so desperately tried to get close to me but I wouldn't allow it and just thought this would be for the best. At this time I was working 2 jobs, and had the jobs of a mother and a wife, needless to say I didn't have all day to sit and message back and forth on facebook, and I would always send her a message back (after 2 or 3 of hers) apologizing for the delay and explaining how busy I'd been. My husband apologized to my mother for his mother's actions, and my mother just told him that she wouldn't get in our business unless we asked her to and for him not to worry about it. My husband told his mom that she has made things awkward and hard on him, and all he gets from her is, "well this is for the best." This has caused a huge issue in my marriage, because I saw it as childish and just plain nuts. I even emailed her asking if there was something she wanted to talk to me about (very nicely!) and got no response. Am i ridiculous for thinking that her constant contact with his ex's and speaking with my husband about his ex's is unacceptable? It doesn't help that my husband is her favorite child, which she has admitted to, and my husband feels that she is lonely and unhappy in her own life and that it is his responsibility to do whatever he can to praise her and spoil her. I told him that her happiness is up to her, and if anyone else, his father! That it is not his place to feel responsible for his mother's happiness. The issue died down after a much heated fellowship, and a week later she sends my daughter (not her blood grandchild) a card in the mail. My husband tells my daughter that they need to call and thank her, and my crazy came out rearing her ugly head. I told my husband that I was not going to be treated poorly by his mother and allow my daughter to have contact with her while she is acting this way towards me. This went south quick. All i asked my husband to do was to have my back, to not stand for me being treated any way he wouldn't wish to be treated by my family. I apologized to him for taking out my anger towards his mother on him, and I told him that I would not allow his mother to ruin us, letting him know that I did realize that he cannot control her actions. Am I crazy for feeling this way? HELP!!!

by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 9:47 AM
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Bmat
by Barb on Mar. 8, 2013 at 9:57 AM
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Here is my advice, and I suspect it isn't what you are looking for. I had a difficult MIL also, and I finally had to apologize profusely to her (for whatever imagined wrongs- it didn't matter) and after that I hardened my feelings about her- never letting her know that she was successful in "getting to me" - smiling and nodding and letting what she said and did roll off my back, fly out the other ear, and so forth. This probably wouldn't suit your strong nature, but my decision to no longer accept her rudeness- to build a wall between us while remaining outwardly polite- sheltered me from her. 

As far as your daughter,  I understand where you are coming from, but your decision made you look like a mean person,  so you would do well to be polite and calm about your MIL.

stargaze281
by Member on Mar. 8, 2013 at 10:00 AM
1 mom liked this
ugh this is a complicated thing. I think your mil is nuts and just wants some drama cause she may be unsatisfied with her own life, she craves attention. And yes this is causing a strain in your marriage. Your hub should tell his mother to stop sending him messages about his ex's. Seems like she dislikes you but maybe you should give her a call and talk this matter out and find a way to fix it. but seriously your hub needs a reality check and should not be allowing other family members to interfere in your marriage. I think you should also calm down and don't think that your marriage is doomed, and you and your hub should find a way to fix this together.
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tihone77
by Bronze Member on Mar. 8, 2013 at 10:09 AM

Am i ridiculous for thinking that her constant contact with his ex's and speaking with my husband about his ex's is unacceptable? You can't control who she talks to, but it is very disrespectful that she's been giving him the messages.  Whether the messages are harmless or not, it would make me feel like she thought I wasn't good enought for her son.

As for him feeling he's responsible for her happiness?  Well he shouldn't go out of his way to make her unhappy, but her happiness (or lack of) is ultimately up to her.

Your daughter should be allowed contact with her unless MIL starts putting her in danger or sabatoging your relationship with your daughter.

My advice.  Avoid MIL when you can, be nice when you can't and let your husband deal with her when she over steps the boundaries.


Bleacheddecay
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 10:31 AM
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Okay first of all, *HUGS* You are so not crazy for feeling this way but sometimes it's good to think about what you can change and what you can't.

Second, it is NOT any one's job to spoil anyone. Nothing good every came from spoiling.

Third as long as you trust your husband, ignore his mother bringing up ex's because you can't change her. My MIL does that too and always has.

amonkeymom
by Silver Member on Mar. 8, 2013 at 2:41 PM

I agree with this and with what the other ladies have said.  Be cordial to her and don't let what she does or says come between you & your husband (and keep your opinions of her to yourself around him).

Quoting Bleacheddecay:

Okay first of all, *HUGS* You are so not crazy for feeling this way but sometimes it's good to think about what you can change and what you can't.

Second, it is NOT any one's job to spoil anyone. Nothing good every came from spoiling.

Third as long as you trust your husband, ignore his mother bringing up ex's because you can't change her. My MIL does that too and always has.


Bleacheddecay
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 3:07 PM

My husband and I knew when we got married that our families were difficult and did not want us together. Our agreement was, he take care of his family, I take care of mine and we have to always be honest and informative with one another. We knew our family members would take something said and twist it, then report it to each other and then cause problems. It's worked well. I know my husband doesn't like my mother. I don't either. He knows I don't like his, he doesn't either but we both LOVE our mothers.

ThinkAgainMom
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 3:08 PM
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Let me start by saying your MIL is a child.  She is also manipulative and you are allowing her to get to you. 

YOUR HUSBAND needs to own the fact that it's inappropriate for her to be messaging with his ex's for him. He is clearly wrapped around his mother's finger.  Did you know that when you married him?  He weakly used YOU to tell her she should stop the messaging, rather than giving her a clear message from him "because it would make her unhappy".  He should definitely NOT try to make his mother unhappy but his FIRST loyalty needs to be to YOU, his wife.  That means if his mother does something inappropriate HE needs to be man enough to tell her to stop because HE wants her to.

Although part of you probably liked having a view into her world, especially since she is connecting your husband to old flames, she is probably RIGHT that it's for the best that you aren't her FB friend.  Having a more distant relationship with her may be good FOR YOU.  She doesn't sound like a woman I would want to try to be close to.  But try to let go of your anger and hurt.  It's petty of you to forbid your daughter have contact.  If she plays a good 'grandma' let your daughter benefit.

If you can't let go of your anger, get a therapist and talk it through.  It may be helpful for your husband too. He could stand to hear a professional tell him that his loyalty needs to be to YOU first and his mother second.

snowangel1979
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 3:21 PM
First question why isn't your husband saying to his mother something like I don't care about my exes and I don't want to talk about them. That would be an obvious fix to the problem, right? It seems like maybe you have bigger issues then just a MIL issue.

If he isn't playing her game then it would stop. Personally I would be asking your DH why he cares about getting messages from his ex.

Other then that I think your DD should have called and thanked her, that's the polite thing to do.
She's right she is an adult and can be friends with whom ever she pleases but using those friendships to try to make you mad is her being petty. Don't fall for her games.

Kill her with kindness. Don't let her see that anything bothers you.
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luvemboth
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 3:24 PM
It doesn't sound like mil issues, it sounds like dh issues. He needs to learn to 'leave and cleave' for the sake of his marriage. Hugs
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JordiBeth
by on Mar. 12, 2013 at 12:36 AM

Thanks Ladies! I know it was silly/petty for me not to want my daughter to call and thank MIL for her card, but at that time I just felt as if the card was a bit snide and maybe a bit of a dig after her prior weeks actions. Honestly, the last couple of weeks without having to deal with MIL have been quite peaceful for both my DH and myself, of course that was after our intense fellowship on the matter, lol. I told DH that I would be the bigger person and I just wouldn't bring it up again, brush it under the rug & bite my tongue, but that I really hoped that he wasn't expecting me to have any respect for MIL anytime soon (or at least not until maybe an apology was given), and Thank God, he agreed. I think ole' MIL has shot herself in the foot with this one, because now my husband has cut communication back drastically after this stunt (& all on his own accord!). I appreciate all of the affirmation Ladies!! And in the future I plan on using the "Kill her with Kindness" approach! ;)

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