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Anyone else raising a child conceived from an attack?

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My son was conceived after someone who was a very close friend threw a huge temper tantrum that ended in him sexually assaulting me. I love my son, but I don't think I will ever completely heal from what happened to me. My life has become a lot more complicated, I love being a mother and I don't resent my kid at all but he does remind me of everything I've lost. At the same time though he's also all I have. I love him so much but sometimes I break down and cry when I look at him because I get so overwhelmed with emotion.

I'm emotionally over-dependent on my son, too, I admit that. He gets annoyed at my clinginess sometimes and says things like "go away mommy" or "leave me alone". It breaks my heart but I understand why, I can be pathetically dependend on him for example waking him up at night because I'm scared and lonely. :(

Is anything else going through the same thing. Do you love your kid or do you resent them, and would you change the past if you could.

by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 7:33 AM
Replies (11-13):
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 4:27 PM

Are there places that offer counseling for both parents and children? I went to counseling by myself before and shortly after my son was born, but I haven't seen anyone in 3-4 years. It would be nice if we could both work through our issues together.

by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 5:10 PM
1 mom liked this

I am. I was 12 when a family friend, someone I'd known and loved my whole life, and trusted totally, someone I viewed as another father, raped me. It happened several times over a few months, and I got pregnant. I had my son when I was 13. He will be 12 in May. It took me a long time to get over it. I was in therapy, and I didn't think I would ever get over it, but I always, always loved my son, because I made the choice to keep him. It was my decision to have him, no one else's. My parents wanted me to have an abortion, but I didn't want that. My son gave me the strength to heal and to keep on going. He looks a bit like his biological father, but he is all my husband and me, through and through. My husband has adopted him, and is his daddy in every way that matters. I was 18, my son was 5, when I got married. He acts just like my husband and idolizes his him. I have always loved my son, and I have never resented him, or wished I hadn't had him. He's mine, and without him, I don't think I could have overcome what happened to me, but something so horrible gave me my amazing son, and seeing his smile makes all that pain worth it. 

by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 5:19 PM

You do need therapy because you don't have to be a victim.  You can use your experience to empower other women and yourself at the same time.  You can show that beauty can come from ashes and pain. 

You are not defined by this rape.  Your relationship with your son is not defined by this rape.  You don't have to live with shame.  This is something that happened to you, and not something that you have become.  It is something you survived.  And it is one day in your life. 

Liberate yourself!  You are the only one who can.  It is not the rapist or your son who keeps you in bondage.  It is you punishing yourself.  :(

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