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I ask for help but I just get a dirty look or a mean comment!!

Posted by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 8:32 AM
  • 33 Replies

My daughter is 11months old and high maintenence. Most nights she stays up til 3am and I am the one who is always up with her. Since the day she came home with us I can count on my fingers the times that my boyfried has changed a diaper! If I ask him to change her or hold her even just so I can go to the bathroom he argues and we get into a fight.. He works 8hrs a day and when he gets home he sleeps three or four hours so I am stuck doing homework with his kids (he has two one 6 and one 10yr old), making dinner, and taking care of the baby. I don't mind doing house work and in the 6months that we've been in our new place he hasn't cooked a meal, done laundry, dishes etc. I try to make things comfortable for everyone, but it would be nice to get a break. A big stress of mine is that my daughter has epilepsy and needs several medications twice a day, which she despises taking so it is not fun or easy to do. He has never given her the medication and says he never will because he "doesnt want her to hate him". Any simple request is seen as me nagging him. My family says, though he is older, he is immature and to move on. I've asked whole heartedly and nicely even beggeed before and still it's always "just a second" (wich means no) or he gives me a deep sigh followed by an eye roll and a rude remark. Half the time now I don't ask, but I am about to snap (again!!). I am upset, annoyed, dissapointed and to the point where I almost hate myself for staying with him. Anyway, I would like some help with getting help please any advice?

by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 8:32 AM
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by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 8:45 AM
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I am sorry to just blatantly say this, but you should be figuring out a way for your daughter to be in bed at reasonable time. High maintenance isn't a reason for her to be up that late. 

Turn out all the lights and lay down with her if you need to. 

If she has a medical condition it is even more necessary for her to get a full nights sleep. 

Your boyfriend works all day, of course he doesn't want to do all of that.

I am sorry, I am of the mind that if you stay home with kids, the house is your job. The cleaning and cooking. I agree that he should clean up his own messes, and help with dinner dishes, help with homework, etc. But not stuff that you could do while home.
The 6 and 10 year old are at school all day,  there is so much that can be done with baby in a wrap, or while baby is napping. 

I know it wasn't what you wanted to hear, that is just my opinion. 

by Bronze Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 8:58 AM
I agree with pp. I have had 2 hgh.needs baby's! y Df rarely helps at home, he works outside the home, and the home is my work. You will be a lot happier if you realize this and stop trying to make everything at home "equal".and a fight.
My df is bad about helping. You can either fight about it, or figure out whatypu can do to make him want to help more
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by Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 9:10 AM
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And you only have one? Lol wow. When I was married I had 3 kids close at age and he worked came home ,took a shower,ate dinner and when to bed. Yeah I asked him to help with the kids and 95% he didn't help with the kids and I gave up,I didn't ask anymore BC it would lead to arguing but when it came to house work and cooking,why why would I expect him to help I wasn't working and that was the least I can do. Lol.. As far as for your dd there in so such a thing high maintenance for a 11 month old lol.. She need it a rutine from day one so now you have to do something different with her. Gl
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by Ruby Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 9:10 AM
Get your dd on a better schedule. PP has good ideas too.
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by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 9:30 AM
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I'm sorry you are dealing with all of that. I personally think that his children should be HIS responsibility-not yours alone-afterall you're not their mom.

I agree with getting your daughter on a better schedule. What time does she sleep to if she's not going to bed until 3? I think a good sleep routine now is important to a good sleep routine later when kids starts school. Slowly start working on getting her to bed a bit earlier. Start a night time routine. Ours was always bath, jammies, drink, book read to them and bed. They knew the routine and knew what we expected. My two oldest are 7 & 9 and still have a similar routine.

I don't fully agree with the above posters. I think the housework should primarly be yours since you don't work-however your bf lives there too-he needs to take some responsibility for the house too. Maybe it's time to sit down with him and work out something. Good luck

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by Barb on Mar. 20, 2013 at 9:40 AM
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You can pay someone to come in and help with the housework, but it is what you should be doing since you are staying at home. Having said this, you do deserve an afternoon or evening off once a week- a day ideally, but with a baby this may not happen.  But you should not be on duty every day all day.  Try to negotiate a time on one  his days off every week when he takes over and you take off. If he won't, then hire a sitter for that time.  Having a baby is tiring, but she won't be little forever. The older children-  you knew what you were getting in to, which doesn't lessen the work of course for you. They are old enough to clean up after themselves and to help with the housework. The 10 year old is old enough to help with the baby. 

It is wrong and rude of him to do the eyeroll thing, shame on him!

You should not expect him to split the housework with you. He has a full time job, plus commute. If he maintains the vehicles and does yard work- all of this counts as his part of the home maintenance.

If you are unhappy, since you aren't married, you could split. Of course you need to decide what this will do to the children, all three children need to come first.

by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 9:45 AM

wow, first get all kids on a schedule.. just because bf works does not excuse him from being a parent or anything else for that matter. Discuss sharing responsibilities, if he doesnt want to share, take your daughter and move on. But this also is up to you, if you want love him and want to continue life being like this for you.

by Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 9:45 AM

It sounds like you already know the answer to your question. You need to either give him a wake up call, or leave if he doesn't wake up. As for your daughter, 11 months? Have you tried letting her cry it out? It takes about a week, but it works.

by Bronze Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 9:45 AM
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He sounds like an ass!  He isnt refusing to help around the house (which I agree with the above ladies, you are staying home and should be your responsibility) but he is refusing FATHERLY duties, nothing to do with working outside the home. Why doesn't he want to hold his baby? He should be helping HIS children do homework.

If you have told him how you feel and he still refuses to help I personally wouldn't stay.

by Bronze Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 9:47 AM
6 moms liked this
I'm gonna be different I guess... yes, the hOme stuff falls to the stay at home Parent, however, what I'm hearing isn't so much complaint about work but complaining about a lack of respect and consideration. Everyone needs a break, even if it's just to Pee in peace. This is the issue I would address. It sounds like you feel un/under appreciated. Maybe take baby to visit your parents for a week. See how he likes being responsible for everything, including his kids. I don't take to being being treated badly lightly, and don't tolerate it. Then when you've cooled down and recouped, go home and talk about what you both expect. If you can come to an agreement great! If not, move on.
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