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Question for an assessment question - update/edit!

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Poll

Question: Would you take away all aspects of your child's privacy if they were cutting/self harming themselves?

Options:

Yes

No

Some/other - explained in post


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Total Votes: 40

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I was having coffee with a friend and she told me that her DD17 is doing a health class. They have a part of the class where they study mental illnesses. Today the class was apparently having a debate today about what a parent should do when confronted with self harming. Some of the class believed that if it was "obvious" that the child was doing it for attention that the parent should force the child to be ashamed of the behaviour by making them give up their bathroom privacy, bedroom privacy, limiting what clothes they should wear; etc. Other members believed that (regardless of whether it's for "attention" or not) the parents should not humilate the child further and make sure the child feels safe and secure. The teacher decided to have them write a report on what they think, what their parents think and what their parents would do BESIDES counselling. For some reason this report greatly interests me and now I'm turning it over to you moms, what would you do if your child was self harming? (besides counselling) Would you limit their privacy? One child asked "well shaving is a right, so wouldn't the parents be harming them further by disallowing them this basic right not to have hair on their legs/armpits/bikini line?" What do you think?


Well, I showed my friend's DD this post and she said that she thought taking away privacy/rights was shaming. She said she can understand no more electronic privacy, even limited normal privacy (i.e only being allowed in the bedroom to sleep) but never bathroom privacy being taken away. "THAT'S A RIGHT!!!" she says annoyed. :P she's a long way from being a mom. She now wants to know whether you guys would also take away having the right to choose what music/books the young person listens to/reads?


by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 11:32 PM
Replies (31-40):
momtoBrenna
by Bronze Member on Mar. 21, 2013 at 11:21 PM

I pretty much don't want her listening to anything that degrades others other than that she's good to go. We censor her reading currently because she reads way beyond her grade level and some of the books can be too mature for her age and emotional health. 


Quoting GleekingOut:


My DD is 21 - and as soon as she bought her own MP3 player (at 15) I had no control over what she listened to or when she listened to it. I did however tell her that if she was playing it outside of her headphones if I didn't like it she had to change the song or lose her stereo. As for books - I haven't seen any books of hers that she read since she was...14 and started buying her own books.

Quoting momtoBrenna:

As a teen, dd can read what she wants, she won't be listening to certain genres of music in my home but she likes classical best so I have no worries at this point. We do censor some of what she reads and listens to now but, she is 7 currently. 





GleekingOut
by Member on Mar. 21, 2013 at 11:34 PM
1 mom liked this


Yeah - DD doesn't like that either. thank goodness.

Quoting momtoBrenna:

I pretty much don't want her listening to anything that degrades others other than that she's good to go. We censor her reading currently because she reads way beyond her grade level and some of the books can be too mature for her age and emotional health. 


Quoting GleekingOut:


My DD is 21 - and as soon as she bought her own MP3 player (at 15) I had no control over what she listened to or when she listened to it. I did however tell her that if she was playing it outside of her headphones if I didn't like it she had to change the song or lose her stereo. As for books - I haven't seen any books of hers that she read since she was...14 and started buying her own books.

Quoting momtoBrenna:

As a teen, dd can read what she wants, she won't be listening to certain genres of music in my home but she likes classical best so I have no worries at this point. We do censor some of what she reads and listens to now but, she is 7 currently. 







Basherte
by Bronze Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 7:51 AM

No. I would not shame my child. From what I understand from talking to people that are cutters. The reason behind the cutting is because of control. They feel very strongly that they have no control over their lives and they do have control over cutting. 

I would take them to therapy. I would also have a long discussion with that child as to the things they specifically feel they have no control over and try to help with that. I would also agree to go with them to therapy, but only if the child wanted me there.

CafeMom Tickers
GleekingOut
by Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 7:53 AM

:) I like this. Thanks for sharing!


Quoting Basherte:

No. I would not shame my child. From what I understand from talking to people that are cutters. The reason behind the cutting is because of control. They feel very strongly that they have no control over their lives and they do have control over cutting. 

I would take them to therapy. I would also have a long discussion with that child as to the things they specifically feel they have no control over and try to help with that. I would also agree to go with them to therapy, but only if the child wanted me there.



Basherte
by Bronze Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 7:58 AM

You're welcome.

Quoting GleekingOut:

:) I like this. Thanks for sharing!


Quoting Basherte:

No. I would not shame my child. From what I understand from talking to people that are cutters. The reason behind the cutting is because of control. They feel very strongly that they have no control over their lives and they do have control over cutting. 

I would take them to therapy. I would also have a long discussion with that child as to the things they specifically feel they have no control over and try to help with that. I would also agree to go with them to therapy, but only if the child wanted me there.




CafeMom Tickers
suetoo
by Bronze Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 8:43 AM
1 mom liked this

Like suicide, the decision to self harm is made regardless of means or opportunity. If the decision is made, the way is found. Loss of privacy, IMHO, would only intensify the very pain a teen is trying to escape. Yes, I would remove or restrict any potential tool that I could. And compromise where I could. Like, provide Nair instead of razors. But I think our efforts would be best directed to helping the teen deal with the reasons for self harm.

GleekingOut
by Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 7:24 AM


That's what I thought too. That's why I was so confused; I'd prefer to *talk* to my kids and provide counselling and other activites not lock them out of their rooms 24/7 and make them show me their bodies/journals/other crazy things I know of.

Quoting suetoo:

Like suicide, the decision to self harm is made regardless of means or opportunity. If the decision is made, the way is found. Loss of privacy, IMHO, would only intensify the very pain a teen is trying to escape. Yes, I would remove or restrict any potential tool that I could. And compromise where I could. Like, provide Nair instead of razors. But I think our efforts would be best directed to helping the teen deal with the reasons for self harm.



lazyd
by Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 3:12 PM

When my daughter was doing this the school actually didnt want to humiliate my daughter anymore, they made her wear long sleeves and pants even when it was hot.  I agree the cutting was for attention, but we didnt do anything to further "hurt" her and we made sure my daughter was safe and secure.  We locked away all knives and checked her room/belongings every day for things she could cut herself with.  We never really limited our daughter's privacy.  We just made sure there was nothing in her room she could hurt herself with.  We still allowed our daughter to have "alone" time and privacy, by having her door shut when she needed/wanted it, but we checked up on her frequently.  Just talking to our daughter and spending time with her, even if she didnt want it was the best.  Our daughter decided that she didnt want to talk to a therapist, so we told her she better "shape up" and talk to us about her problems and stop cutting for attention or we were going to commit her.  

aurora.dove
by Bronze Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 3:31 PM

I would do EVERYTHING in my power to guarantee my child's safety and if that meant removing some privacy then yes I would do it. No I would not sit in the bathroom with him while he was showering or doing his business, but there would be a time limit in the shower. I would allow him enough time to get dressed privately but door would be removed from his bedroom. I would do a sweep of his room weekly for objects that he could use to harm himself as well as check his backpack every day before and after school. As far as books go, I have read every type of book under the sun and have never had any thought of doing anything in them, as well as listened to everything from gospel to death metal and watched all kinds of movies, they were for entertainment and educational purposes only for me. If I thought my child were getting ideas to harm himself from books, music, and tv then yes I would keep an eye on it. However I do intend to teach him that books, movies, and music are just that and not to be taken literally.

HuggaBug1991
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 3:40 PM
I don't know what I would do; but I know what mom did....
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