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Help!! my 5 year old daughters behavior is out of control

Posted by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 2:35 PM
  • 42 Replies
Im a 33 year old mom, I have 2 daughters, 9 and 5. My 5 year old is OUT of CONTROL. She's always been wild, but I blamed it on being a toddler; now that she's getting a little older its not changing. There are times I dread picking her up after work and I almost refuse to take her in a store, because she runs all over the store, through the parking lot, etc. My husband works in the car business so he's at work a lot, he stays home with her the one day a week he's off and at the end of the day he is so frustrated with her that he just wants to get away from her. I LOVE my children, but can't stand the feeling of not wanting to be around my 5 year old after work and the weekends. She hits, kicks, calls names, cusses (I don't cuss around my kids, but my husband slips up), tortures the animals, doesn't listen to anything or do what she's told, wont sit in timeout and I have had it! She doesn't lack attention, she's slept with us since the day she was born (my fault, because my sister had a baby that died from SIDS); now she refuses to sleep in her bed. Its almost like she has anxiety because if shes out of our site or we put her in her room she freaks out. She screams, throws fits and won't tell you why. Today for example, I was going to take the girls to an arcade; we went to have breakfast first and her behavior was so bad I had to take away the arcade privilege. I feel awful, because my 9 year old then missed out too, but I couldn't reward her for bad behavior, so my oldest gets mad at her sister. I'm terrified for when she starts Kindergarten. She's not always perfect for her child care provider, but she does better than she does with us. She was always late walking, crawling and meeting certain milestones. I've even heard people say "there is something wrong with that child"...but there isn't anything visibly wrong. I've contacted her pediatrician and they've referred us to a psychologist who no longer sees children. Im scared to take her, because i don't want her on meds. I'm now just wondering if there is something more going on with her; if she'll still outgrow this or what. I've never had these issues with my 9 year old. HELP!!
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by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 2:35 PM
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atlmom2
by Platinum Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 3:12 PM
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What discipline do you use.  It has to be consistant.  If she hasn't had consistant discipline you need to start now before she is 8, 9, 10 years old.  Every child is different.  I had one who behaved and one who didn't.  Had to be firm and consistant with the wild one.  She calmed down more around 7 but you had to get on her all the time. 

Come join me at The Duggars Debate, The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

momamanda
by Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 3:14 PM

My 5 year old is difficult too! She can be a real stinker for us but is very good at school. I think she fears all adults except us lol. I think what has worked for us is just consistency. She is my youngest so I have babied her! I know it's my fault that i let her get away with so much for so long and after living like that for 4 years is when I realized I did wrong so since she was 4 I've tried to be tougher and not let her get away with things. I put her in her room for time out cause it's the easiest way to get her to stay, since it's away from everyone else, Also there are no toys in there only bed toys as we have a playroom. I do have to spank her sometimes to make her stay in there and When we first started giving it a serious go I would spank her like 20-30 times before she would stay like 20 minutes just getting her to stay, Now if I do have to spank her for it it's only once or twice and she will stay. I also ground her and take things away. I am not perfect and do let things go sometimes and I think that's why we haven't seen a complete turnaround but I try to pick my battles as she is very stubborn and wants to control every situation. So I guess my only advice I can give is to make sure you are tough on her and not let her get away with it. It's hard and like I said I'm going through it myself so don't know if it's the best advice but It's all I got! haha... how does she act with other adults? that may give you a clue on how she will be at school.

Dlunsford
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 4:02 PM
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Glad to hear I'm not alone. I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but she doesn't get a whole lot of discipline, because she doesn't even listen to it. What kind of discipline do you guys use? She's timid in front of some adults, but not if we are there, because she's comfortable with us. I was pretty rough on her today, ignored her bad behavior....she was downstairs for a good 30 minutes throwing a fit and I just came up to my room and shut the door. I didn't give in to the arcade, which I normally would have. I'm gonna have to be more strict. I think I'm gonna reward them with the arcade this afternoon, because she's been really good this afternoon.
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atlmom2
by Platinum Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 4:06 PM
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Quoting Dlunsford:

Glad to hear I'm not alone. I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but she doesn't get a whole lot of discipline, because she doesn't even listen to it. What kind of discipline do you guys use? She's timid in front of some adults, but not if we are there, because she's comfortable with us. I was pretty rough on her today, ignored her bad behavior....she was downstairs for a good 30 minutes throwing a fit and I just came up to my room and shut the door. I didn't give in to the arcade, which I normally would have. I'm gonna have to be more strict. I think I'm gonna reward them with the arcade this afternoon, because she's been really good this afternoon.


If she threw a fit today I would not reward with an arcade this afternoon.  Wait till she behaves several days for that.  She is getting the wrong message if she can behave bad and a few hours later go have fun. 

Come join me at The Duggars Debate, The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 4:24 PM
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Yeah You are being too fast to reward her for things.   You need to be consistant with the consequences.  If you choose to do time out, every time she gets out, you put her back calmly without speaking and reset the timer for 5 minutes.  This can take hours and be mentally draining but you need to show her who is in charge of the family.  She has had control for too long.   For your older child, see if someone you know could take her to the arcade for a few hours while you stay home with younger child.  It really is not fair for her to be punished along with her sister.

Our time outs go as follows.  One warning to listen to mommy or stop whatever behavior she is doing, then take her to time out and explain why she is there in a firm, calm voice that is low pitched, set the time for 7 minutes (dd is 7),  when she was younger we had to place her back in the spot a few times before she stayed put for the whole time.   When it is over I go back and explain again why she was there.  She gives a hug and apologizes for her bad choice.  We do this when we are not at our home.

 Otherwise she loses privileges for a whole day despite any good choices she may make for rest of day.  When she makes the good choices she will ask if she can have the privilege back and i remind her it is gone until tomorrow when we can try again for good choice making but good job on todays change of behavior.

Bleacheddecay
by Silver Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 4:55 PM
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If she has an issue the sooner you know and get advice on how to deal with her the better. Being afraid of drugs is something I understand. As a result mine didn't get any until 18 years old. Now I so wish we had started sooner and she hadn't had to fight her own nature so much with less help.

Consistent rules and consequences will help any child but if she really has an issue you need to find out and deal with it.

Dlunsford
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 6:49 PM
Thank you all for your input....very helpful information. I am going to continue to seek professional advice, but these are great tips to go by. I will admit she is "the baby" and even my oldest babies her at times, but it's got to stop.

I did take them to the arcade, not to reward her with the short term good behavior, but she was asked to do some things before we left and she did without putting up a fight. At the same time I'm in Kansas City and we are being hit with yet another snow storm so for my own sanity I got out of the house, because we will probably be stuck in the house for the next day and I also had to follow through with the promise made to my oldest daughter. Believe me, I can be just as stubborn as my youngest and have no problem letting her lose privileges until she shows better behavior. I do need to work on the punishments better, because it has to end.
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MamaSnaps
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 8:18 PM

Taking away a privilege of the arcade doesn't her like it does your older kids. At 5 their attention span is about as long as that of a fruit fly. Not being allowed to go to the arcade was no big deal to her because they didn't connect. 

She misbehaves because she can. She knows that she can do what it is she wants to do and you aren't going to do something that is going to bother her one bit. She can get away with getting out of time out by misbehaving-so she does. Why should she do anything if she knows you are going to cater to her bad behavior? 

The punishment has to be swift and immediate-and therein lies your problem.

She can't run all over if you do not allow it. The problem is that you are going to have to inconvenience yourself to stop her behavior. Parenting is not convenient and many of us forget that we have to be parents first and foremost-instead of getting the errands done or watching TV or making dinner or...

If she starts running off when she gets out of the car-put her back in the car and go home. Sorry, you don't go to the store with me if you misbehave. If she's running all over the store-stop. Place her in the cart. If that doesn't work-leave the cart and march her butt out of the store and take her home.

You sound as if you are working on a reward system and that's good. Modify it. Take away the plethora of toys and things she has. If she is behaving she earns the right to play with one toy of her choice. When she is done with that toy she has to put it away to get another one. If she misbehaves at any point that toy gets taken and she doesn't get one again AND she sits in time out. 

She doesn't sleep in her room because she can get out of it and sleep with you. That is going to take some real work and re-training to overcome, but it can be done. 

take her to the psychologist. TELL him you are very concerned with medicating-they don't just drug the kids-they do listen to the parents too! They will give you tools and information to help with the problems you are having through books and different behavior modification methods.

Start trying dietary solutions. Look into possibilities of celiac disease. It's an allergy to glutens and it will make some kids INSANELY OUT OF CONTROL like that. Remove all sugars from her diet-that includes things like white bread. Sugars are digested quickly and give that burst of energy that kids don't have a whole lot of control over. Move to lean meats, veggies. Eliminate dyes. There is much research into what food dyes do to children like yours. It may or may not be a huge part of her issue.

For one week remove any processed food and sugars. Feed her only meats, dairy and veggies/fruits. NO fruit snacks!!! THey are evil with kids like yours! LOL! See what happens. Don't forget juices have a ton of sugars in them! Make sure whatever she's drinking has no glucose or sugar in it. Pure fruit juice or milk.  I have a feeling you will see a change in her behavior. It won't make her magically behave. She's learned how to misbehave to get what she wants, but the zany insanity and uncontrollable behavior will probably change greatly.  

If she's misbehaving at home you tell her ONE time to stop. Then it's an IMMEDIATE time out for 5 minutes. One minute for each year of age.
If their mouth is the problem my kids got immediate lemon juice or lime juice. Those fake lemons and limes work great. Then a time out. If you or your husband can't make a committment to this? you are in for pure hell as she gets older.


Dlunsford
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 11:27 PM
I have also heard a lot about diet, certain foods and should probably start checking into that more. Yes, some things are definitely gonna change. She's so carefree and doesn't have a care in the world and as much as it drives me crazy I love her innocence. It's amazing how there are times she's so good, sweet and loving and I think she's maturing and it'll change on me. Thank you!
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Dlunsford
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 11:32 PM
She's always had extremely sensitive skin though and a couple years ago took her to the dr and had every allergy test possible ran on her...all were negative. Could it still be an issue?
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