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My 9 yr old won't stop talking back - Please help!

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New here. I am a very proud single mom to a wonderful 9 year old boy. He is a GREAT kid! Lot's of fun and personality. He's healthy, he does very well in school, and he is generally happy and almost always well behaved. Typical kid that LOVES sports and his friends. I am very blessed and grateful. He's an only child and we are very close. 

My only real problem with him is his mouth. He talks back constantly. He doesn't scream or have tantrums, and he doesn't usually say things that are disrespectful. However, I think it's disrespectful that he argues and whines when I ask him to do things. He ALWAYS has something to say and it drives me crazy!!  I rarely can ask him to do anything without it turning into a 5 or 10 minute conversation. I've tried everything I could think of. I have taken allowance away until further notice. I try not to yell, but usually end up yelling for him to be quiet. I take away TV sometimes.  But these are only short term solutions. I have told him to stop talking back a MILLION times, but even if he stops for a day or two, he goes right back to arguing. 

Should I just walk away and let him have the last word and ignore it like some 'experts' suggest? I am just afraid that if I do that, I am sending a message that it's okay to argue and talk back because Mommy will just back down. Any advice would be very appreciated. I will not smack him or hit him, so that isn't an option for me. Thanks!

by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 12:17 AM
Replies (31-40):
partingwhisper
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 2:24 AM

he is testing your limits. i ignore my 9 year old when he is being whiny or trying to argue with my decisions or responses to his requests. but once in a while it gets out of hand and he gets corner time first, if it continues, he loses a beloved toy for donation to a child in need. he usually does not keep it up to that point though. he hates losing his toys. if you keep responding to his backtalking you are feeding the monster so to speak. state your stance or response and just look at him until he realizes you wont play his game anymore and are serious. he will likely cut down on the back talk if you dont give him the negative attention. 

averysmommom
by Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 2:50 AM

If you find a solution that works please do share! My son ALWAYS has to have the last word. No matter the subject he has to speak last. Drives me nuts! My mom would've knocked me into next month but that's a lil extreme lol. Mine is also 9 and only child. His dr told me about this program called 1-2-3 parenting. It's typically used for younger kids but said I should try it. My only issue is to buy the program is like $100+ if I break down and buy it I will share the details! Good luck

one_on_the_way
by Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 6:11 AM

If you find yourself 'arguing' with your 9 year old try the 1-2-3 Magic method........9 is not too old to count and send him to his room for talking back or whining.  The problem parents have is THEY KEEP TALKING!  YOU are the PARENT -- put a STOP to the 5-10 min conversation when you have already made your mind up about something.  While it is okay SOMETIMES to explain things more to your children as they get older, it is NOT necessary to give valid reasons or have a debate/argument over everything you need done or everything you want them to stop doing.....

Get the book or video to learn more --- I think it could help. 

I've just started using it with my almost 4 year old and he is catching on very quickly that the whining, telling me 'no', or asking 'why?' over everything is not something I'm going to entertain any longer.  

one_on_the_way
by Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 6:21 AM


You do not need to spend over $100 for the program!  I bet you could check out the video from your local library tomorrow.  Also there are several books which are about it you could get at the library or book store as well.  It's very well written and gives examples that are easy to relate to.

  

Here's the book I have.  I also watched the video when my son was about 2, but I never really used it until recently when I find myself arguing with my son over little things.....I am AMAZED at how quickly he has caught on.  After only 2 times of getting to 3 and putting him on a break, there have been about 3 or 4 instances where he stopped his behavior/whining after me just saying 'that's one"....

Example....he was throwing this nerf-like baseball in the house and I told him he needed to stop.  "Why?"  ---- "Because throwing the ball in the house is not allowed.  Something could get knocked over and break"  "No it won't" (he throws it again - really gently) "That's one" --- "Oh, alright." (and he put it down).  I was thinking in my head "Sweet!  That was easy!"  

Quoting averysmommom:

If you find a solution that works please do share! My son ALWAYS has to have the last word. No matter the subject he has to speak last. Drives me nuts! My mom would've knocked me into next month but that's a lil extreme lol. Mine is also 9 and only child. His dr told me about this program called 1-2-3 parenting. It's typically used for younger kids but said I should try it. My only issue is to buy the program is like $100+ if I break down and buy it I will share the details! Good luck



averysmommom
by Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 6:39 AM


I thought about looking at the library. I guess the program his behavioral dr mentioned was a def brand or writer and when I googled it it was crazy! I'm def going tomorrow to look! Thanks for the advice cuz my grommet is really on thin ice :) 

Quoting one_on_the_way:


You do not need to spend over $100 for the program!  I bet you could check out the video from your local library tomorrow.  Also there are several books which are about it you could get at the library or book store as well.  It's very well written and gives examples that are easy to relate to.

  

Here's the book I have.  I also watched the video when my son was about 2, but I never really used it until recently when I find myself arguing with my son over little things.....I am AMAZED at how quickly he has caught on.  After only 2 times of getting to 3 and putting him on a break, there have been about 3 or 4 instances where he stopped his behavior/whining after me just saying 'that's one"....

Example....he was throwing this nerf-like baseball in the house and I told him he needed to stop.  "Why?"  ---- "Because throwing the ball in the house is not allowed.  Something could get knocked over and break"  "No it won't" (he throws it again - really gently) "That's one" --- "Oh, alright." (and he put it down).  I was thinking in my head "Sweet!  That was easy!"  

Quoting averysmommom:

If you find a solution that works please do share! My son ALWAYS has to have the last word. No matter the subject he has to speak last. Drives me nuts! My mom would've knocked me into next month but that's a lil extreme lol. Mine is also 9 and only child. His dr told me about this program called 1-2-3 parenting. It's typically used for younger kids but said I should try it. My only issue is to buy the program is like $100+ if I break down and buy it I will share the details! Good luck





GELiz
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 7:29 AM

Well, he needs an immediate negative consequence that matters to him.

Sometimes at school, we had a behavior plan and gave marks for each time a child talked back or did not comply with a direction within 10 seconds of being told without whining or talking back.

There were graded consequences. If the child gets one mark, he still gets full privileges. If he gets two marks, then there is a small list of conseequences. If three Marks there is a larger list of consequences.

If more than three, then there are no privileges.

This treats all of the normal things you allow them to do as a privilege. It teaches them that all of those things are on the table when dealing with disrespect.

As long as you allow him to disrespect you, he will. And ats you will be how he treats women in general.

pegleg63
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 4:41 PM

He is arguing with you for 5-10 minutes to wear you down and he has learned that it's worked in the past so he continues to do it. If you tell him to do it, give a time frame for it to be done or a certain consequence occurs. End of discussion! No arguing for 5-10 min. He is 9 and you are the parent. Don't let him take control. Follow through with the consequences and be consistant and the behavior should stop and he will learn that his arguing isn't working anymore.

DarlaHood
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 5:40 PM

Get the book - Have a New Kid by Friday.  Read it.  Do it.  If you do, this will end.

Basherte
by Bronze Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 5:43 PM

You are doing the right things.

Have you sat him down and discussed with him that because it's just the two of you that you need his cooperation. 

Is being sent to his room a punishment? 

I would take whatever punishment you are using and tell him, the first time  he starts to talk back, that he is ______(said punishment). Then tell him that you will no longer be tolerating the 5-10 minute discussions whenever you ask him to do something. That he will either start getting up and doing said activity or he will have consequences for those actions, because you have other things that you need to be doing as well. I'm sure you aren't having him do household chores because you want him to have no fun. You are doing so because (just my thoughts) you want him to learn responsiblity, how to do those things, and to help you out around the house so that things run a lot smoother. (I could be wrong. feel free to tell me to shut up)

Does he know the difference between talking back and disagreeing with you?

(I ask because I didn't until I was closer to 13)

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wickedstepjenn
by Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 4:56 AM
Ugh I have a 10 and 11 yr old girl and boy. They both test me constantly. I listen to thier first responce agurement if its just not good enough they either do what's asked or to thier room for a time out (corner doesn't work they just stand there and continue to whine and try to argue) if they argue about going to thier room I start to add more.. tv.. no bike..no going out. If it goew really out of hand then its grounded for half days then day etc. Usually they stop after the tv but not always! And they both lie like crazy! I think its the age I hope
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