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A question for all you moms who don't spank, yet have disciplined kids

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How do you do it?

My 3 yo is driving me insane. I'm a wreck. Everytime I look at her I want to cry. I don't know the first thing about discipline, but I know I don't want to spank and no one supports my decision.
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by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 12:12 PM
Replies (241-250):
pualani23
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 11:49 PM
Unless you want your kids to disobey you more when they are teens and turn into problem children, spanking is a great discipline. 3 swaps on the butt and a time out...
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pualani23
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 11:55 PM
We do not raise our children the way we were raised. I spank my son on the butt, with my hand. But when I was a kid and we disobey or disrespected our mama, we would get hit with the closest thing in arms reach (about 14years old when she started that)lol or bare butt spankings with a belt or wooden spoon. It only took a time or two and we learned quick.


Quoting Matty1966:

I did time outs also, one minute for each year of age, when we were in public we immediately left if they acted up. I didn't care if we were eating, at the mall or the park, we left period! You have to remember, she is only three and patience is the key! Don't sit on the couch and yell at her, get up and put her in time out! (I'm not saying you yell, just an example). If spanking works so well, why do parents keep having to do it? Because IT DOESN'T WORK!! My kids are grown and gone, (except my 14 year old dd) they are polite, considerate, and two have gone to college. My 14 year old dd gets really mad when she sees anyone spanking or yelling at their kids as she wasn't raised that way! Just keep in mind, your dd will raise your grandkids the same way you raise her! Don't give up, you can do it!! I did and I did it alone!!!

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ericahager2005
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 11:59 PM
Bear hugs are very different then holding someone down. If you get to a point with your kids where you feel its ok to hold them down, something isn't right. Maybe parenting classes, counselling,developmental assessments are needed if a child isn't responding to timeouts, loss of priveleges, consequences, consistency, etc. Your school district can do the evaluations for free. Not to say there is necessarily a delay, but it can be ruled out and strategies taught.


Quoting Lindalou907:

Okay, call it a bear hug then. Real abusive!



Quoting ericahager2005:

I would NOT hold her down. Its just as abusive as spanking and one or both of you could wind up with broken bones or a black eye if she is flailing as you say.

Plus that is offering attention albeit negative. Ie negative reinforcement. Find a safe boring spot where she can have her fit and let her have at it and turn your back completely. Pretty soon using all her energy on a show no one is watching will get boring. After she has calmed down ask if she knows why she was in time out and what she should have done differently and will do differently next time. Also ask her if she understands if she misbehaves again she will be right back in time out.





Quoting Lindalou907:

I would smack her butt, but if you don't want to spank, I respect that, just hold her down. Kids need limits, she really does want to know what the rules are and what the consequenses are for breaking them. She is "strong willed" which can be very difficult, but you have to be stronger or she will get into all kinds of trouble as a teenager!





Quoting _AshlynNicole:

I've tried and she starts hitting, kicking, and flopping around like a fish.





Quoting Lindalou907:

Time outs work if you are VERY consistant. Give her only 1 warning, or count to three, and if she doesn't straighten up put her in a corner or very boring time out spot for 3 minutes. You can still do it if you're out in public. If she cries, ignore it. If she gets up and walks away put her back and make her stay. She WILL learn if you do it EVERY time. And make sure all her caregivers and babysitters do too.











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ericahager2005
by Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 12:10 AM
and spanking has been linked to teen violence too. They learn its ok to hit.

My ds11 has not been spanked and is one of the best behaved kids his age I've ever met even with disabilities (autism and adhd) or without. He is kind considerate gentle and caring. He doesnt use his disability as an excuse to act out, either. Consistency consistency set boundaries and consequence and stick to them!


Quoting pualani23:

Unless you want your kids to disobey you more when they are teens and turn into problem children, spanking is a great discipline. 3 swaps on the butt and a time out...

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sophiasmom414
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 12:13 AM

BUMP!

phoenixmom
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 12:46 AM
I never spanked or used soap or anything of the sort. Many countries in Europe have made those types of discipline illegal bc of long term psychological effects. Don't argue with hard data. I support your decision and you need to just be educated. For example with a child your age, time outs are one minute for each year of age, so 3 minutes for your child. Otherwise it is ineffective and too time consuming. For clean up use rewards like stars on a chart, after 5 stars a tiny reward. For non compliance of cleaning you need to physically put your hands on their hands and force them to clean, very uncomfortable, so they will want to do it themselves pretty quickly, or after several demonstrations that you mean what you say. For older children a TEMPORARY restriction of privileges, not more than one or two days, otherwise it loses its value and there is no end in sight for regaining privileges at younger ages of 10 or below. At an age of four or older, any type of meanness should be repaid to the person that was offended with kindness. It works beautifully, especially when the victim chooses what kindness they would like done for them. Nothing that takes longer than 10 minutes or what is age appropriate.
lalasha
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 12:52 AM
You don't have to spank but, you have to be consistent.
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abigailsmommy11
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:21 AM

We use "Love and Logic" parenting techniques. Absolutely love those books :) My 3 year old and 22 month old girls are so sweet and well behaved.

BLUMENSH9
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 2:53 AM

We use time out (though DD is only 13 months). I like to remind ppl that discipline is more than just a spanking or time out. Discipline is the whole of what we do daily. It is the Cause and Effect, the time out/spanking/ect is the punishment or effect. "Because you didn't follow the rules this is going to happen." Only reason I bring this up is to let you know that you DO know more about discipline than you think. ;) Breathe momma. We just started doing time outs with my DD 2 weeks ago and she is catching on. Also key to any discipline technique that you choose to impliment is CONSISTANCY. Yes it will be repeative, but that is how the brain works. Just stand firm as to what you want to see.

DandJsGrandma
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 2:53 AM
Time outs work beautifully! And after the time out talk about why the child had time out and tell him/her that you love them very much. Children really do want to please, they just need boundaries.
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