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A question for all you moms who don't spank, yet have disciplined kids

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How do you do it?

My 3 yo is driving me insane. I'm a wreck. Everytime I look at her I want to cry. I don't know the first thing about discipline, but I know I don't want to spank and no one supports my decision.
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by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 12:12 PM
Replies (61-70):
pce68
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:34 AM
2 moms liked this

I know time outs work with many kids. I didn't, or rarely ever, used time-out with my dd bc she was very sensitive. I could just look at her with a stern look and she'd start crying. A couple of times I got really upset with my dd and told her to go sit in her room until I calmed down, and could discuss it with her.

So here's what I did do: First of all, model good behavior as much as possible. Kids will do what you do regardless of what you say. So if you want your dd to talk to people with respect, talk to her with respect and let her see you treat others with respect. If you don't want her to use bad language, don't use it yourself.

Second, decide what qualities you want in your child, now and in the future and let that be your guide for what to model, what rules to have,etc. 

Use natural and logical consequences as much as you can. Natural consequences would be if your child refuses to wear a coat on a cold day, then she gets cold. Logical consequences might be if she draws on the wall, then she has to help clean it up. When she does something wrong, think of something that would "fit the crime". And then use that punishment consistently. It could be taking the toys away if she won't clean up or if she is using them in an inappropriate way. Or no tv until she does clean up. Whatever works for your child. But pick one thing, and then do it every time. If you use time-out this week, then taking toys away next week, and no tc the week after, all for the same offense, she won't know what to expect and the behavior will get worse.

Another trick I used when my dd refused to do something I wanted her to do, was don't get in a fight about it, just walk away and act like you aren't affected by it, then wait for her to want something from you. Eventually she will come and ask to go outside and play, or can she have a snack, or watch a movie, or whatever, and then you cheerfully say,"I'd be glad to let you do that just as soon as you do          ." And then stick to your guns and don't give her what she is asking for until she does what you asked. 

Anoronlight
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:41 AM
1 mom liked this

Believe it or not, I had a kid like that when I worked in daycare. He HATED timeouts and would do that. I decided to take a different approach to it and believe it or not it worked like a charm, his behavior even changed, his mom asked what I did and I told her simply that:
I sit him down, talk to him in a very simple way. I tell him that _____________ (insert behavior) is not ok. And that he has to have a time out so that he can have a chance to think about it and how to fix next time.

Basically I used the approach of, time out isn't a punishment, that's the talking part. Time out is a chance for them to reflect on what happened and how to do it better next time. Not only did this kid stop acting that way, but he would go into timeout WILLINGLY. When he was done I would ask why he went and what can he change.  His behavior also improved and he was...3 years old!

Not sure if that will help, but you can try it, however like someone said you have to be Consistant with the time outs. Warning first, then talk and time out. For a 3 year old you have to get creative, keep it short sweet and simple.

Momforhealth
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:43 AM
3 years old is so young. They are so curious. I put my stuff aside and went exploring with them. I could begin to tell when it would happen and tried to catch it it before. My kids were so much more behaved with lots of activity and attention. Housework was done aftrr bedtime ror just enough.
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paganmommy4
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:44 AM

Its called natural consequences.. And this link Might help

http://www.wikihow.com/Discipline-a-Child-Effectively-Without-Spanking

Kids do things to get something or get out of something

Behavior/ What happened/ How did you react

Use descriptive language

I see a child that is not using their inside voice



BeAmour
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:44 AM
The horrors of timeout with my DS! Oh my!

DS did the back and forth game for 3 hours the first time, 5 hours the second time, 3 hours the third. After that, I said...fuck this, it's just not working. I couldn't take the meltdown and constant crying that entire time. By that time, he was exhausted...which makes him behave worse and I was exhausted and I don't even think he remembers what he was originally put in timeout for. I was done. Lol

DS is the most bullheaded child I have come across, other than myself. My parents say he is a mini-me, acting almost identically, almost down to the words, as I did.


Quoting 5PointedHuman:

Oh my god. Do not hold a child down! This results in her feeling constricted and causes things to escalate. Walk away. When she gets out of time out, put her back without uttering a word. Repeat as many times as needed. Yes, this child is strong willed, which is why the mother and father must encourage her to be strong willed about doing the right thing.



Quoting Lindalou907:

I would smack her butt, but if you don't want to spank, I respect that, just hold her down. Kids need limits, she really does want to know what the rules are and what the consequenses are for breaking them. She is "strong willed" which can be very difficult, but you have to be stronger or she will get into all kinds of trouble as a teenager!




Quoting _AshlynNicole:

I've tried and she starts hitting, kicking, and flopping around like a fish.



Quoting Lindalou907:

Time outs work if you are VERY consistant. Give her only 1 warning, or count to three, and if she doesn't straighten up put her in a corner or very boring time out spot for 3 minutes. You can still do it if you're out in public. If she cries, ignore it. If she gets up and walks away put her back and make her stay. She WILL learn if you do it EVERY time. And make sure all her caregivers and babysitters do too.







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rmfanfgljf
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:51 AM

my oldest dd hates putting together puzzles, dd2 can't sit still to save her life, so my oldest dd is to put together a 100 piece puzzle, and my middle baby has to take a 6 minute timeout doing absolutly nothing. My son for the time being responds to redirection, he is almost three though. 

one_on_the_way
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:52 AM

Bump -- I hope I remember to come back to this post and reply when I have more time.

BeAmour
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:56 AM
The only thing that works with DS is giving him choices and letting him be in control of his outcome. Like I said in a PP, DS is just like me to a T. I am somewhat of a control freak but only about myself. Example: If someone tells me, "You're going to go here and do this today..."...my reaction is "the Hell I am, I'll do it on my own accord." Things like that. DS is like that but given he's only 4 he doesn't know how to fully reason that far ahead and think of what the possible consequence is, yet.

So, I allow the choices....kind of like natural and logical consequences. This way, he is in control if, for example, he leaves his toys on the floor and the dog eats them. His choices are: Clean up your toys and we can play later or You can leave them on the floor and Ziggy will chew them up. I always follow up with the question, "So, which choice would you like to make? Make sure it's a good choice."

Granted, it falters every now and then, then we have a consequence chart that we follow.

1. Re-direct
2. Choices
3. Extra chore
4. Isolation (go in his room for 5 minutes, I don't care what he does bc he doesn't have toys in his room, only books, so it's boring).
5. Spanking

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Matriarch87
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 1:01 AM
its really hard to convey discipline technique through the interwebs bc so much of it is through tone and expression. my best advice is to remain unwaveringly consistent and to find the magical secret key to correcting his behavior, lots of people find time outs effective, taking away a favorite item, a cause and effect sort of threat, the super nanny way with rewards and decorated jars, bribes, and spanking. there is no rule that you have to pick just one, there are so many different scenarios that arise and call for discipline and it only makes sense that different situations require different punishments. I use various punishments but what I think makes them work is no matter the technique used my son knows he has done wrong, that im serious, there will be consequences and that his behavior will not be tolerated. Good luck.
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lilmomma_1205
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 1:02 AM
I don't like spanking either... we do time out, which is normally them sitting on thier bed for a couple of minutes... or they get something that they really enjoy taken away for the whole day... I have an almost three year old & he is completely different then the older two; very strong willed... he too has been placed on his bed to sit for time out & he hates it but it helps give him time to calm down & then we try talking about his actions.
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