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Advice for Moms Advice for Moms

Arguements are making me nuts!!!

Posted by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 9:38 PM
  • 15 Replies

My kids age 4 and 8 seem to argue about EVERYTHING! I try to let them work their problems out without getting involved but listening to the whining arguing drives me nuts to the point that I'm now aggravated as well. I really want them to learn to get along without me helping them through every fight, but I don't know how to help. My daughter does something that she knows will piss off her brother and then acts innocent and clueless as to why he tried to hit her. My son whines and cries over everything and always has to win or he has a meltdown. I've never been great at dealing with things myself and I'm having a hard time helping my kids. Plus I was an only child for most of my life and didn't have to deal with siblings. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!

by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 9:38 PM
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Replies (1-10):
funhappymom
by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 9:36 AM

I would suggest teaching them how to deal but being involved and then slowly backing out. When they come to you, remind them that they're able to work things out on their own. Good luck.


nuts4scouts
by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 10:12 AM

I had a rule - If it got loud, or if there was physical violence involved, I would step in. Otherwise they were to settle it between themselves.

They soon learned that they did NOT want me to step in!

atlmom2
by Platinum Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 10:14 AM
1 mom liked this
Don't allow it. 1 warning, then discipline.
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ali840
by Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 10:22 AM

 What did you do that made them learn they didn't want you to step in? Sorry op, don't mean to take over your post, but I have the exact same problem with my 5 and 9 year olds (both boys)

Quoting nuts4scouts:

I had a rule - If it got loud, or if there was physical violence involved, I would step in. Otherwise they were to settle it between themselves.

They soon learned that they did NOT want me to step in!

 

la_bella_vita
by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 10:45 AM

 I would give them a warning and then a time out or whatever your course of discipline is.

LoreleiSieja
by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:04 AM

If I had to break up my kids' fights, they got chores to do.  Usually, they had to do the chore together, to help reinforce the whole "getting along" thing.  Unless they were really at an impass and needed a  cooling off time, then they might work on chores in different rooms.  I saved icky chores for punishments, things I knew they hated to do.  Like, empty the dishwasher, or clean the toilet.  I might have them dust baseboards, vacuum, wash windows, wash walls, or clean the legos with a q-tip and a bottle of rubbing alcohol.  (it's amazing how dusty those little bricks can get!)

My kids were home-schooled, so they were around each other all the time, all day long.  They learned to get along pretty well, and today, they are more devoted to one another than they are to ME.  My son lives in another state, but chats with his sisters online almost daily.  Me, I get a phone call on mother's day adn when I nag him about it <G>.  Another thing, my kids shared bedrooms.  I did NOT allow toys in the bedrooms, but would make the kids share a bedroom so I could have a playroom.  That way, if you send a child to their bedroom for a punishement - there are no toys in there to make it fun!  Putting them down to sleep is easier in a clean, calm environment without toys.  Also, kids who share a space have to learn coping skills to get along.  Visit a college dorm sometime, and find out how many children never learn that!

As for dealing with their noise, try a set of headphones. As a former homeschooling mom, I can swear by that.  Listening to calming orchestral pieces in the midst of a child argument can restore your soul!  And you'll still hear any blood-curdling screams if the battle gets out of control.

Have a few ground rules, as well:

If someone is playing with a toy the other MUST WAIT her turn.

If someone left a toy laying on the floor, it went into a lost-and-found bucket, and that child had to do some chores to earn it back. If the toy was still there in three months, it went to good will.

If someone is using the bathroom, WAIT YOUR TURN.

Ask before taking something that doesn't belong to you.

Write down whatever rules you adn your children come up with, and post them around the house.  That really helps to eliminate half the battles.  



Raising Creative Children

Nurturing Creative Young Minds and Wiggly Bodies

nuts4scouts
by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:05 AM

Very, very, rarely is there just ONE who is at fault. Usually it was a tie between the two of them as to who was to blame.

My "justice" was swift, and given equally to both. If they were arguing over a toy, that toy went in the bag for the Salvation Army, along with a toy from the other one. Both would get punished with a time out, and/or lose a privilege. At the very least, they would get separated from each other for the rest of the day.

Eventually my two (boy and girl three years apart) realized that if they did something to get me involved there would be no "winner" in the dispute. They would BOTH get into trouble.

They also knew that if there was a REAL need for help resolving an issue that they could come to me and ask for it. However, any whining, yelling, hitting, etc would bring a fast end to all of the fun.

And, make no mistake about it, they did have fun arguing! At 24, and 27, they STILL enjoy pushing each other's buttons!


Quoting ali840:

 What did you do that made them learn they didn't want you to step in? Sorry op, don't mean to take over your post, but I have the exact same problem with my 5 and 9 year olds (both boys)

Quoting nuts4scouts:

I had a rule - If it got loud, or if there was physical violence involved, I would step in. Otherwise they were to settle it between themselves.

They soon learned that they did NOT want me to step in!

 


kali_mom
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:06 AM
I have 5 and yes there was occasional arguing but nothing too extreme. They were taught to respect and be mindful of their siblings. If it becomes too much to bear make them hug each other until they have calmed down. I betcha they won't keep fighting and arguing if they know they will have to be nice. Be consistent with whatever you decide
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Kelly128
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Thanks for all the advice! If it becomes loud or physical I do get involved and I feel like I am pretty consistent with punishment which is usually a time out. My son turns to hitting quite often and finds himself in a long time out but it still doesn't seem to help. Plus I never know who to discipline. Sometimes it is him being impatient, but other times he is provoked. I am not consistent with whether I pick one or both to discipline. I just don't want one of them to feel treated unfairly if they really didn't do anything. They spend a lot of time together and share a room. They both do a few chores to make a small allowance at the end of the week. I'm not creative on punishment ideas. I don't want to get rid of toys, and they already clean their room everyday. When they have to wait turns for a toy maybe I could set a timer. Does anyone have other punishment or chore ideas? Thanks!

LindaClement
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 7:08 PM
1 mom liked this

Read 'Siblings Without Rivalry'... it's a fast read, and it has a lot of ideas about what causes this kind of nonsense and how to step away from it.

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