I cannot stop crying...I was humiliated again-UPDATE Page 8
I cannot stop crying. I really can't. I feel like a piece of garbage.
I met a guy online ...again. We spoke online and on the phone for two weeks before we decided to meet. He appeared to be a really nice guy and most importantly very accepting of me and all my flaws. As time went on I told him more and more about myself. He was very understanding. I told him that my kids are autistic and he was fine with that.
So we decided to meet , I sent my kids to my mom's house for the weekend and i agreed to meet him at my place. He said he'd bring movies and we'd just talk . He comes over...Im instantly not attracted to him AT ALL. He looked cuter in his photos but downright weird /ugly in person.
I told myself to stop being a shallow bitch and just get over his looks...and I eventually did. I saw him for the nice funny person he was.. I was falling for him HARD. I ended up having sex with him that night. He swore he didnt judge me for it . We met and hooked up again...and again...and one night he wrote me this long love letter saying he thinks im gorgeous and he loves just being with me and our sex is amazing and he truly cares about me. I asked him was he being serious does he really care about me? He said yes. He looks at me and sees his future wife . He will never let me go and will do any and everything to make me happy.
Im falling for all of this shit hook line and sinker.. I believed him. I really did. He was affectionate with me in a way no other man has been . He'd kiss me all over my face and just stare at me with a look of love in his eyes. I'd wake up and he'd be staring at me and kissing my cheek and hands. I hate to say it but although we were only together a couple of weeks ...I was falling in love with him ...very quickly.
One night we talked and decided we were officially a couple. I just went online and deleted my profile from the website without a second thought...however four days passed and i saw his profile was still on there ...and although i had no reason to think he was talking to other girls ...I was still curious if he'd talk to someone. I made up a fake profile and messaged him . He responded...I was heartbroken when i saw the response. He sent "me" a virtual gift and said he's interested in getting to know "me" and he's single etc. I was shocked.
He eventually said he'd love to take this girl out . I was like ..OMG. Why would he do this to me? We had plans this weekend..we were going to go on our first date ...he was gonna take me to see the lion king on broadway.
I didnt know whether to just confront him about it or keep my mouth shut until i saw the play ... that way i'd atleast get a chance to spend some of his money .
I was so hurt i knew i couldnt just let it go all week so yesterday afternoon i told him that i made a profile and he responded . He laughed...said he knew it was a set up. I said well if you knew it was a set up why'd you take the bait? He obviously had NO clue it was me. I was very upset . I started crying over the phone . He said in a nonchalant way that he was never gonna seriously meet the girl...but by his long replies back to her. I knew that was a lie.
He than said well i understand if you dont wanna talk to me again just say the word and ill never hit you up again. Im thinking WOW. He claimed to have all these feelings for me and he doesnt even give a shit. I hung up the phone . He texted me a little while later and i texted back saying i cant trust him.
We went back and forth...he began to beg to have me back . He called me over and over again leaving pleading voicemails .. I waited a couple hours...checked the dating website and his profile was STILL there! I was like OMG any other guy wouldve deleted their profile! I told him exactly that... he kept asking me what does he have to do to prove that i can trust him...I said well isnt it obvious?! We went back and forth all night but he REFUSED to delete his profile on the website.
Im at a loss. I do not understand why he'd do that to me...and as the night went on it was CRYSTAL CLEAR that he was mocking me and being malicious .
I feel like trash. I did everything to keep him . Everytime he came over i cooked his favorite foods, we talked, we laughed , we had a connection, he met my kids and he was great with them and they loved him . I was like WOW i finally have someone who cares about me and doesnt judge me he's just a great guy and at the end of the day...I couldnt even get him to delete his online dating profile...
What makes me cry is I just feel like I will never have a man who truly cares about me. Here's a guy who will throw me away ...just to keep looking at potential females on a website.
If im so gorgeous and great to him...why would he just let me go like that unless it was all lies...
I feel like something is profoundly wrong with me ...It hurts to know that one day he'll probaly meet someone on that website that he'd waste no time deleting that profile for...but me...im not worth it.
Ive been crying all night and off and on all night. Im very irritable and my self esteem is below the earth .
Ive experienced this before...my babyfather told me when i was 9 months pregnant that im yesterday's trash . He laughed when he said it and said he was heading to his gf's house. I never felt so low before...and this new situation is just a reminder of that. It just drives the point home that im yesterday's trash and im not worth anything at all. I felt like killing myself last night but i didnt because i have kids and i cant leave them alone in this world without anybody. My mom has cancer and my brother was just diagnosed with cancer..I feel like im having a nervous breakdown. I took the kids to the park this afternoon and i was on the verge of tears the entire time. I just feel so worthless.