Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

How do you answer this question?

Posted by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 5:29 AM
  • 35 Replies
1 mom liked this
How do you explain to a child that the only father figure that he has ever known isn't his "real" dad? I know I'm jumping the gun here, but I had a dream and it made me start thinking. In the dream, my ds (who is 2 now but was older in the dream) asked why he had a different name than the rest of the family. My DF has been in our lives for a year now and my ds has never met bio dad. He calls DF daddy and my fiancé treats him like his own. I considered never telling DS that daddy is just his stepdad, but my DF has said that he doesn't want to officially adopt and change his name until he's old enough to understand and decide for himself. How would you go about explaining to a young child about step parents when there is no bio dad in the picture?
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 5:29 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
krissy920
by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 6:37 AM

i would just tell him the truth. Id explain that you and your significant other didnt make your son together, but that he was ment to be his daddy and will be  his dad. You dont have to be blood to be a mother or a father, its the raising of the child that builds a bond.  Im adopted and my mother just told me that i was chosen.  There are probably cute children books that  explain it  very simply for a little one to understand too.

SamMom912
by Silver Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 8:31 AM
I would get a few books from the library for him to "plant the seed" of information.. Maybe a few about step families/adoption/ maybe even same sex couple families... Just so there is an awareness that families don't Have to be biological..
When he seems interested in talking after 1 book, i may approach the topic lightly..
That he has a bio dad thats not the man he calls daddy... Reinforcing that bio doesn't mean love...
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
AleaKat
by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 8:33 AM
My sister just went through this exact thing.
Her son is 8 and hS never met his bio father but my sister husband who he calls daddy hasn't adopted him yet.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
momofcrazypants
by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 8:38 AM

I went through this with my DD. My DH did end up adopting her. I think the big questions started when she was 6 or 7 maybe. I was just as honest with her as I could be. I have never bad mouthed bio dad to her and keep taps on him in case she ever wants to make contact with him when she's all grown up. He's never had anything to do with her, his choice not mine. Right now she's almost 13. I think the books may be a good idea. I wish I had thought of that when we went through this.

Mom2Just1
by Mom2boys on Apr. 12, 2013 at 8:41 AM

The truth.  Explain to him why and you could find a book to help as well. (:

Daisypath Anniversary tickersLilypie First Birthday tickers

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickersLilypie Breastfeeding tickers



mamaanl
by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 8:56 AM
1 mom liked this

This is how it was for me.  My biological father left when I was 1 and my "dad" came around when I was almost 3, so he's all I ever knew.  But when I got older to understand they told me the truth.  It didn't change how I felt about my "dad". I still went on with my life just the same.  I don't think you really need to go get a bunch of books to tell him. (That's just me though, I don't like running to books and pychologists to tell me what I need to do.  Nothing against those whoe do)  It's really not as hard as you think.  Just speak the truth and speak from your heart.  Kids are smarter than you think and will understand better than you think they will. Just make sure you child is old enough to be understanding everything you tell him.  I was probably 8 years old, maybe 9 when I was told.  Let your child know that DF is not his "real" father, but that doesn't change his love for him.(your child).  Tell him that anyone can be a father and help make a child, but only the really special people get to be a "daddy". And when your child is older let him know how long your DF has been around and how much he has done for him, not because DF had to, but because he loves your son that much. Your child is only 2, you have at least 5 more years before you need to start thinking bout telling him.  And like I said I was 2 1/2 when my "daddy" came around, and I still called him daddy and I still treated him like my daddy.  It didn't phase me a bit to know he wasn't my first daddy.  He's all I ever knew and I was old enough to understand he was ALWAYS there for me.  Don't ponder too much on it or stress about it too much.  I promise it's not as bad as you think.  

baileyquarters
by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 9:10 AM
2 moms liked this
If you make it general knowledge from the beginning and there won't be any need to 'tell' them. It will just be the way things are. And because it will be so accepted, it won't be weird.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Lydlou02
by Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 9:33 AM
1 mom liked this
How would you go about doing that when the bio dad isn't in the picture?

Quoting baileyquarters:

If you make it general knowledge from the beginning and there won't be any need to 'tell' them. It will just be the way things are. And because it will be so accepted, it won't be weird.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
robyann
by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 9:35 AM

In these types of situations it is best to tell the truth. If you don't tell him that step dad isn't his bio dad, that info will eventually come out, then he's upset because you hid it from him. 

If bio dad has given up rights, or would give up rights, I don't think it'd be a bad idea for step dad to adopt him. You can still always tell him the truth, but that he was adopted by "dad", because he loved him so much he wanted to be his real daddy. I think that would give the child a bit more of a sense of security. 

Carreon
by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 11:17 AM

My daughter call her bio dad "father" and my husband now and who has raised her for the last 8 years "dad" At the age of 2 they are to young so wait until they are older.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured