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Advice for Moms Advice for Moms
My dh and I have custody of his younger brother who is nine. We took him out of an alcoholic and abusive house with his mother to come live with us. He always calls my dh and bm by their first names but since the first week he was here he has always called me Mom, or 'shima' (mom in Navajo) This has never really bothered me since I know I am the closest thing he's ever really expereienced to a mother but when we are out in public it does make for some awkward conversations since I am very obviously not the mother (he's pure navajo and I'm white as rice, he is nine and almost as tall as me) but recently my MIL, his bm, found out that he does this and is very angry and says its inappropriate for him to do so, Is she right? What should he call me? If you were in this situation what would you ask the little boy to call you by?
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 3:24 PM
Replies (11-20):
atlmom2
by Ruby Member on Apr. 17, 2013 at 3:44 PM
1 mom liked this

He should call you what he wants to.  Many people adopt kids and the parents are Mom and Dad even if they don't look like the child. 

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rmebrat1020
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 3:44 PM
1 mom liked this

Sorry misread but still goes if you and the 9 yr old are comfortable with it then that is all that matters.

Quoting jackiewal10:

The MIL *is* the BM.

Quoting rmebrat1020:

He is 9 yrs old, he obviously is comfortable calling you mom and as long as you are comfortable with it then there should be no problem. Explain to MIL and BM that it was his choice and that you did not insist or force him to call you mom.



yellow ribbonTill they all come home.....


 Erika

Mom2Boys9501
by Member on Apr. 17, 2013 at 3:44 PM

 

Quoting jackiewal10:

I think he should call you whatever he's comfortable calling you.  It's not like you sat him down and demanded that he call you mom.  He came up with that all on his own.  TBH, who CARES what your MIL thinks.  If her judgement were that great, she'd still have custody of her son. But it's not and she doesn't.

 This

heidi749
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 3:46 PM

IMO I think he should call you what he feels he wants to call you. BM, should have been the mom to him, when she had the chance to.. Is this something that was asked of him, to call her by her name ? Because if not, and he has called her by her first name even while with her, then he does not feel that she is being a mom to him. He obviously feels you take the mom roll for him, and that is why he calls you mom. 

 Just because you give birth, does not mean you have the right to be called MOM, you have to earn that title. In this childs eyes you have earned that title not her.

ELFs_Mommy
by Bronze Member on Apr. 17, 2013 at 3:46 PM
1 mom liked this
I think he should call you whatever he, you, and your DH are comfortable with as long as its respectful. If you have custody, I don't think it is any of his biological mothers business.

As a side note, I just want to say how awesome I think it is that you and your DH were not only able to, but also willing to step up for this boy!
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MamaSnaps
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 3:53 PM

I think he needs to understand the difference between MOTHER and MOM-because IMO there is a big difference. ANYONE can be a mother. That's simple biology. But a MOM is so much more. 
Having said that-it's totally up to him and you what he calls you. I certainly wouldn't make him call me mom but, that's not the issue here-HE chose to call you mom. I'd make sure to let him know again that he doesn't HAVE to call you mom and if at any time he feels funky about it he can call you by whatever you want to be called.

His mother is hurt. Frankly, it's her own damn fault and when she quit adequately caring for him she gave up the right to be ticked about anything. You have to handle it how you feel best. 

My foster calls me mom by his own choice. Conversely, I am pretty sure he does NOT let his mother know that he calls me mom. He knows he doesn't have to call me mom and he can call me by my name or a nickname if he wants. It's his choice. We also tell him every once in a while that he doesn't have to call us mom and dad. He's never changed it but, it's important that he understands that we don't EXPECT it of him.   

AM-BRAT
by Amber on Apr. 17, 2013 at 4:07 PM
This.

I see bm's on cm spazzing out all the time over who calls who what - Idc either way. He'a 9 and that's his comfort level, so be it.


Quoting mommy404204:

If you have custody of him then it is really none of the bm's business what he calls you. and since you are acting in the mother role then i see no problem with him calling you mom.


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Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Apr. 17, 2013 at 4:25 PM
1 mom liked this

I can understand why she's hurt, but it's not like you ASKED him to call you mom. He needs a mom and you are it! Bless your heart.

jojo_star
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 10:08 PM
1 mom liked this

My dh and I have custody of our niece and nephew, both their parents have passed away, and they call us both mom and dad. It's caused a few issues in public, because I'm 25, and they are 15 and 16, but they are our children, it's what they want, and we have no problems with it. It made my parent in laws a bit uncomfortable at first, because they felt we were replacing their biological parents, but they have accepted it. If he wants to call you that, let him. It's about what makes the child feel most comfortable. 

suetoo
by Bronze Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 8:52 AM

 I think his bm deserves simple respect, a compromise is a way to show your boy the moral high road. I love the respect and honor in 'Shima'. Knowing that to call you mom upsets his bm, ask him to call you that in her hearing at least. I'm so glad he has you to care, regardless of what you are called.

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