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SAHMs do you have a set schedule? and other issues LONG

Posted by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 1:41 PM
  • 64 Replies

I'm asking this because I've been a SAHM for almost 6 months. We couldn't afford daycare for 2 kids (one being an infant) because most of my paycheck went to it. Me and my boyfriend decided together that i'd stay home with the kids til my 5 year old started kindergarten this fall (she just turned five, she's from my marriage not his) and that our 11 month old would go back to daycare as by that point it'd be cheaper and we'd just have the one in daycare. Anyway, I was trying to do preschool stuff with my 5 year old, trying to keep house, take care of the kids etc. I wanted to homeschool at one point and realized I just couldn't.

So for awhile my boyfriend said I should have everything scheduled out, when we get up, breakfast, preschool stuff, etc. And I said that for the way the day goes that it is pointless to schedule it all out, it just doesn't work. I full out quit the preschool stuff because my 5 year old doesn't seem to learn from me. As I quit that and we decided I wouldn't homeschool I started doing more online work (wrting articles, selling stuff, etc) and started to make some money (not a whole lot though) and so I thought maybe I could eventually make enough to stay home with our 11 month old so we didn't have to pay for her daycare either. I honestly only needed to make about $150 a week for it to make sense for me to stay home, and I'm still working on that.

However, regardless of what I do my boyfriend says I still need to have a set schedule. He says no matter what we should be up at a certain time and plan out basically each part of our day. Beds need to be made in the morning, schedules need to be made for when certain chores are done, and I should schedule in when I need to work on the computer for my online stuff. I just think that we  can wait to get used to a schedule til a month or so before my 5 year old starts school. I think while they can have a laid back day they should get to. I also feel that no matter what I set for when things should be they won't get done specifically at those times anyway with  a toddler (yes the 11 month old is walking) going all over etc and still having to entertain my 5 year old as well.

So my question to all of you is, as a SAHM do you have a set schedule if you have no kids in school yet? Even if you have kids in school, aside from when they get up and go to school and when you pick them up, do you have a set schedule? Also do you make your kids make their beds at 4/5 years old? I'm also expected to make our bed in the morning, do all the housework constantly, take care of the kids, make sure meals are made, lunches made for him to take to work, and do the online work. He works overnights and goes to school 2 days a week. He starts cleaning if the place isn't up to his standards and he's getting upset enough about everything that he feels the need to keep bringing it up and states he is "tired of having to police the whole house" and that he is "tired of having to have this conversation" to the point he has seriously considered ending the relationship. We have been together a year and a half, have our 11 month old daughter together (she was an oops before we started dating) and I'm not sure what to do at this point.

I feel like when I was working things were just a lot better between us. He doesn't feel we are equal partners because he expects the house to pretty much be perfect all the time. I'm talking toys picked up between naps, not one spot on the counters, not one dish in the sink, and he expects me to be constantly cleaning, where as I feel it is ok to wait until the kids are in bed to clean up as it just keeps getting dirty. I'm not sure if he is just becoming controlling or if I am the one out of line...I don't know how to handle everything. I know he is working hard too and I've told him how much I appriciate him, he just seems to expect me to be super woman. I can't focus on online work and keep the house spotless all day and watch the kids, so I try to space it out, work for awhile, play with kids, feed kids, work awhile, etc. until the days end and then do the cleaning, but that isn't good enough for him...I'm not sure what to do...

by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 1:41 PM
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Replies (1-10):
atlmom2
by Platinum Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 1:59 PM

Never had a set schedule.  Well like hour by hour.  They had afternoon nap time and I made sure of that.  Otherwise nothing set.  Mine went to preschool also starting at 2.  Mine are adults and never made their bed.  I never did either as a kid. 

He sounds like he needs to stay home alone for a week with the kids and see how well he does.  Maybe moving in was the wrong thing for you to do. 

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Mommy2justone
by Mommy2justtwo on Apr. 18, 2013 at 2:05 PM

I had a schedule when my daughter was younger, but the older the got the more lax we got with it. Now school is the only schedule. We plan around what we absolutly need to do that day and that is about it. 

JCB911
by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 2:08 PM

I think you should leave him with the kids for a full day (maybe an overnight as well) and see how well HE does it all.  If it's so easy he shouldn't have a problem with it.

I think most people do more of a routine rather than a schedule.

Wake up, breakfast, get dressed, we homeschool so we get that done in morning, lunch, play dinner, bedtime is a t 8pm - Pretty much bedtime at 8pm for the kids is the only thing that is "scheduled" the other things happen when they happen.  My house is far from perfect, it's clean enough that I could have people over though (well with about 10-15 minutes of tidying I could have people over).

The kids are only little once, and the dishes (or toys, unmade beds etc) don't complain. As long as your house functions and is relatvily clean who cares if it's not perfect.  And with a little one - it'd be tough to get it perfect - those little ones tend to need some serious supervision.  oh and scheduling an 11 month old - good luck.

SewingMamaLele
by Bronze Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 2:11 PM
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Yea, I've had this argument with hubby for about 7 years now. Sorry, I'm no help, really. They just don't understand that keeping a house perfect with small children is impossible.
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CatFishMom
by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 2:33 PM

No schedule here. We homeschool-I have an almost five year old, a twenty-one month old and Im due in July with number three. Ive tried schedules and I never manage to stick to one-Im ridiculous. Our routine is loosely this: We get up around seven every day, eat breakfast, do our 'breakfast lessons' where I outline our lesson for the day, do letters and phonics with the boys, whatever I pull out of our school box under the table. After that it's really a toss up what I do next-I LIKE to try to get 'school' started but a lot of the time it doesnt happen until a while later. The kids play-thats how they learn best, and theyre learning to be one another's helpmates, which is as important to me as any 'school' work. We never make beds, though my son is able to. He does have a couple of chores that (ha, the mornings I can remember) he will do like feed the dog and empty the garbage can in the bathroom. My house is not spotless-I spend my day working with the kids, playing with them, taking them outside to play. Usually around three oclock, before or after I start dinner (depending on what it is and how long it takes to cook) I will straighten up the kitchen but it's his job to unload the dishwasher so if it's not unloaded, dishes get rinsed but not put away. I know my husband gets frustrated sometimes but hes good about it and we typically attack something before we settle down to relax after the kids go to bed. I try to keep up on the worst of the messes and my husbands areas are putting away dishes and removing garbage-I hate doing both and so I do my best with the rest of the house and he takes those areas.

You need to have a serious talk with him and find a happy medium. It cant be all his way any more than it can be all yours (though your way sounds a lot like mine, so I dont have an issue with what youre doing). Relationships are about compromise and he needs to realize that, too. Maybe he can pick something specific he NEEDS to have done before he gets home every day and he can get over the stupid idea that you need to live by an hourly schedule. (especially since that literally doesnt even effect him) Good luck.

mom2jasper
by Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 2:55 PM
You sound a lot like me. I hate sticking to a schedule. And my fiance switches from day to night shift every two months so that has made our routine even crazier! We are naturally night owls so we are usually up well past midnight and stay in bed until late morning. My fiance rarely complains about my schedule or lack of schedule. But if keeping your man happy is important to you, I would make the effort to start a schedule. Have the house picked up before he comes home and maybe get your work done in the eevening if you can.
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WillsMOM72
by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 3:00 PM
I've been a SAHM for about 4 months now and I don't have a schedule. My son is in Kindergarden so we get up normally around 7 and leave the house by 7:35-7:45. We live about 5 min from school. I do normally clean when I get home then I pick him up at 12:30.
My son leaves toys everywhere. I do make him pick most up but a few here and there isn't a big deal. My hubby hasn't complained about anything.
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mommyof11050307
by Bronze Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 3:11 PM
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I'd laugh in my husbands face if he ever tried to tell me how to run the house. I don't go to his job and tell him how to fix airplanes he doesn't tell me what to do during the day. If he has a problem with how I keep the house or what I'm doing with the kids he can quit his job and stay home. The only thing that is schedule is I wake up at 6;30am to get my kids ready for school and I leave my house at 7am give or take to drop them off. I normally take a nap in the morning since my daughter still gets up at night. I leave at 2:30pm to get my kids to school nd dinners between 5 and 6:30 depending on what we are eating. Oh and when my kids were little I picked up toys after they were in bed, 

mom_to_kenzie
by Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 3:13 PM
Bump, I had a huge reply typed out and then I got kicked off my internet. Grr! Lol I'll come back and respond.
MamaSnaps
by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 3:15 PM

I have no set schedule and never have-even when I did homeschool. HOWEVER, a routine is necessary and I think that's probably more of what he's meaning than a rigid schedule. 

Even when I did daycare I didn't have a SCHEDULE that was written down and rigid. I made breakfast, the kids had about 20 minutes to run willy nilly (not really) and play while I did the dishes and cleaned up. Then we did some kind of activity. Sometimes it was art, sometimes it was reading sometimes playing games... whatever I wanted to work on then. Then they had some free time to play while I made lunch and immediately after lunch while I cleaned up. We read as I was getting everyone calmed down for naps. Naptime. When they woke up was snack time. After snack I'd have parents beginning to pick up so we'd usualy do something simple like a craft or stories or playing. 
I tell you this because I didn't SET UP like that. It happened and that's how it was easy to do it and make sure everything was done that I had to have done.
Now that I am home and have older children who are all in school I stil have a routine only because we are creatures of habit. It just makes things much easier. Things get done if I have a routine. If I just let things go willy nilly all day long I wouldn't et accomplished anything. 
I haven't written a schedule, I just do things with logic. I get out of the bed-make the bed. Pick up the laundry on the floor from yesterday and throw it in the wash as I head out of the bedroom. While I have my coffee and await my meds kicking in (and the kids used to eat their breakfast) I do some computer work and drop by here. As I am putting my coffee cup away from the morning I do the dishes. After I shower I wipe down the bathroom. When the kids were home and I put the breakfast dishes to wash I'd then do either an activity or something educational with the kids in that late morning time. Now I do my bookwork or editing and come here. Lunch is about the same time every day. I don't do lunch myself but, back when teh kids were little I'd make lunch, feed and put the dishes in to wash. Then I'd read to them or do something to calm and prepare for nap time. During nap time I'd be back on the computer doing this or my editing and bookwork. Now my afternoons are for appointments or computer work. I always vacuum in there and clean up the livingroom-which I did while the kids were sleeping back in the day.

The key is that the routine insures that everything got done. Or mostly done. It's also stability for the kids. They need that routine and stability. I think that's more what your boyfriend is meaning. He's just more rigid. Let him stay with the kids for a week and he'll find out how rigid schedules work-or don't!!!! 

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