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What should I say to my husband to get him understand my perspective

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 7:36 AM
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  I recently was horrified by the play dates my husband went on without me and behind my back. 

  My Mom collapsed and went into a coma Jan. 26th this year and despite my asking of my husband to cancel the birthday party for our second daughter Emily, he refused and went on to party with the kids himself. I did not find out until recently that he went on a playdate with the kids and a friend of mine and her kids the following Friday while my Mom was still in the hospital fighting for her life and never told me about it. A week later Feb. 8th, my Mom passed, my husband spent time with my Dad and me for one night and insisted on going home. After my Dad agreed, we went home. 

  A week later, there is a party at the same friends buffet restaurant. My friend was not sure if I should go, but when my husband insisted on going, she thought I should go too. I did not feel like going and actually went to talk with another friend about losing my Mom. My husband went to the party with the kids and my friend was not happy I did not show up at her party.

  The following month, my husband arranged another play date with my kids and her kids and this time he told me about the playdate. But he told me the wrong place, I had to call him to find the right place and was almost an hour late and then my friend was asking me why I got there so late and I felt something weird from her tone. In the mean time, my friend talked or texted to me very little on the phone.

  The next month which is April, I had to go out of town to evict my tenant, I was on the phone before and during the trip with my husband, but when I got there, I could not get him on the phone. After calling and texting, finally I got him and he told me he went to a movie with this friend of mine and the kids and a dinner afterwards, I got so mad at him at this point and started telling him he should not have this kind of playdate arrangement without consulting me first. I sent them both an email explaining about play date etiquette and said I would not be comfortable to have play dates like this anymore.

  Was I over-reacting as my husband suggested over this matter? Everytime I talked to him about the play dates he had and told him I am not comfortable, all he said was I was just having a playdate and nothing else crossed his mind and he was innocent and I was accusing him of crime he did not commit. He even asked me to make up with my friend, he said he'd hate to let this friendship go sour. What should I do? He always said let's have an open and honorable discussion about it, am I not being open?

by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 7:36 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Rain2Rinse
by Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 7:38 AM
I'm having a difficult time tracking. Are you upset because e went on play dates with your female friend without you?
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lucky2Beeme
by Gold Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 7:42 AM

You should back down, What the hell is Wong with you ? He does the job of sahm. There are not many SAHD's. Do you not want him to have any adult interaction ? You're jealous and that's never a good thing. I don't see whats got you all pissed. esp where you were with your mom and he took the kids on a play date. What would you have liked him to do?

charmgirl
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 7:43 AM
1 mom liked this
Um why would he tell you the wrong playdate location? I'm sorry but I would seriously be questioning his faithfulness.
emmy526
by Silver Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 7:45 AM

i smell something fishy going on....keep a close eye on him

lilmama8408
by Silver Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 7:50 AM
1 mom liked this
He's hiding playdates, telling you the wrong place, you cannot reach him when he's with her, ect... and they act odd when you arrive... sounds like an affair to me.
I understand his need for friends/adult time but that is crossing the line
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atlmom2
by Ruby Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 7:52 AM
1 mom liked this
What I read he did nothing wrong unless you think he is cheating. The party seemed fine, playdates fine. You sound controlling.
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GOBryan
by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 7:52 AM
2 moms liked this

Because you're mourning, respectfully so, doesn't mean he should or that life should temporarily stop for the rest. I think it's good that he's keeping the kids occupied on play dates and spending time. Let him while you spend some alone time to mourn. 

I understand your position but you need to do what you feel and let him do what's best for him and the kids. When you have gone through your period of mourning, then you can join them. 

Now, if you suspect he's cheating, then you need to confront him and discuss it but that's a separate matter from him taking the kids on playdates with friends.

Just because he's taking the kids on playdates with your friend doesn't mean he's cheating. Do you have a reason to believe he would cheat on you? Has he cheated on you in the past? Try not to make something that it isn't out of this without something solid. Just because you felt something strange from your friend's voice doesn't mean that it wasn't a reflection of your own suspicions and concerns. 

WillsMOM72
by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 7:52 AM
Sounds like they're seeing each other. Something just doesn't sound right.
ForeverLawst
by Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 7:55 AM
1 mom liked this

At first, I thought that he just wasn't comfortable with the fact that your mother was dying and that "maybe" he was trying ot make life normal for himself and the kids. BUT, as I read further.. I agree with the PP's. He's using the kids playdates for something else entirely and you need to get to the bottom of that quickly. If things were on the up-and-up he would have no reason to hide things or lie about them. 

I am sorry for the loss of your Mom. It's a shame that he's being such a POS during this terrible time in your life. *HUGS*

HorrifiedMomVA
by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 8:13 AM

Even he is doing the job of a SAHD and all my friends say he is so good. Could I still have the right to feel uncomfortable? Could I ask him to let me know or should I just let him do what he likes since I don't want to risk such a good Dad to my kids. After my email and text messages, my friend has not responded to me and my husband said he has stopped talking to her. Should I makeup at all? Or should I let it be.

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