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What should I say to my husband to get him understand my perspective



Question: Would you get mad if this happened to you? If you are in the same situation?





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  I recently was horrified by the play dates my husband went on without me and behind my back. 

  My Mom collapsed and went into a coma Jan. 26th this year and despite my asking of my husband to cancel the birthday party for our second daughter Emily, he refused and went on to party with the kids himself. I did not find out until recently that he went on a playdate with the kids and a friend of mine and her kids the following Friday while my Mom was still in the hospital fighting for her life and never told me about it. A week later Feb. 8th, my Mom passed, my husband spent time with my Dad and me for one night and insisted on going home. After my Dad agreed, we went home. 

  A week later, there is a party at the same friends buffet restaurant. My friend was not sure if I should go, but when my husband insisted on going, she thought I should go too. I did not feel like going and actually went to talk with another friend about losing my Mom. My husband went to the party with the kids and my friend was not happy I did not show up at her party.

  The following month, my husband arranged another play date with my kids and her kids and this time he told me about the playdate. But he told me the wrong place, I had to call him to find the right place and was almost an hour late and then my friend was asking me why I got there so late and I felt something weird from her tone. In the mean time, my friend talked or texted to me very little on the phone.

  The next month which is April, I had to go out of town to evict my tenant, I was on the phone before and during the trip with my husband, but when I got there, I could not get him on the phone. After calling and texting, finally I got him and he told me he went to a movie with this friend of mine and the kids and a dinner afterwards, I got so mad at him at this point and started telling him he should not have this kind of playdate arrangement without consulting me first. I sent them both an email explaining about play date etiquette and said I would not be comfortable to have play dates like this anymore.

  Was I over-reacting as my husband suggested over this matter? Everytime I talked to him about the play dates he had and told him I am not comfortable, all he said was I was just having a playdate and nothing else crossed his mind and he was innocent and I was accusing him of crime he did not commit. He even asked me to make up with my friend, he said he'd hate to let this friendship go sour. What should I do? He always said let's have an open and honorable discussion about it, am I not being open?

by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 7:36 AM
Replies (21-30):
by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 6:24 PM
2 moms liked this
Most of these responses are just plain stupid. You have every right to question your husband's motives, know where he is and who he is with at all times, and be upset and suspicious if what he says doesn't add up. The birthday party thing seems fine to me. I would want my kids to try to celebrate their birthday at a tough time if they could. But I would try to discuss the situation calmly with both of them. If there is nothing going on you wouldn't want to lose a friendship and marriage over a misunderstanding. But definitely set some boundaries. He shouldn't go anywhere without letting you know and vice versa. That's just common courtesy within a relationship, not being jealous or controlling
by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 6:33 PM
1 mom liked this
Since it's the same 1 friend he's going on all these play dates with, I'd be very concerned. Even more so that he won't respect your wishes to stop. There are a lot of red flags in your story and my heart aches for you. I hope he wises up and talks to you about it. Hugs
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by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 6:38 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree. You & dh need to nip this in the butt before it goes any further. If you push it aside, it has a high potential to end in an affair :/

Quoting dflowers:

Something else is going on. I would start spending more time with your hubby. Sounds like hes finding comfort somewhere else

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by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 8:00 PM

I see two possibilities:

1. Your husband is somehow carrying on a romance during playdates with your friend's kids.

2. You are miserable (understandably, because of your family situation), making him and the kids miserable, and being controlling (since you can't control your mom's health), and he is trying to protect the kids from your misery.

Frankly, I think 2 is more likely than 1.

by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 9:04 PM
1 mom liked this

If he were making a concerted effort to have the kids spend time around ALL their friends, I would say this was in your mind. But he's only concerned that they are spending time with the children of one person in particular, a female, who is also a good friend of yours. Who also was "upset" with you for skipping some events when it was clear that you were not there because your Mother was ill or when you were in mourning. Frankly, it sounds to me like she is trying to put you off the track by being mad at you. Sending you on the defensive so that you don't ask too many questions about why she's spending so much time with YOUR husband. 

The only way to catch cheaters is to catch them red-handed. Enable GPS on your husbands' cell phone, and when he's playing shell games with play date locations on you, track his ass down and see what is going on while you're not around. Even if you get there and nothing is happening, you should ask some hard questions of your husband and your friend. Then if you choose to go forward thinking that nothing has happened, it's time to set some hard boundaries with the two of them. Including you being present at all times when they are together for at least a couple of years. 

by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 9:10 PM
4 moms liked this
I don't understand why so many people are saying OP is being controlling. If her husband was just trying to keep life going for the kids that would be one thing. But the problem is that he is being secretive, sneaking around, and lying. She has every reason to worry. My fiance knows where I am and who I'm with all the time. I know where he is and who he is with. It has nothing to do with being controlling, insecure, jealous, any of that. That's just what people should do when in a committed relationship.
by Cecilia on Apr. 26, 2013 at 9:59 AM

It just sounds to me like you have major trust issues. Whether the are justified or not, only you really know.

by Bronze Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 10:02 AM

It feels to me like he's cheating on you. In the guise of doing things with your children. Cheating in a non sexual way. 

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by Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 10:30 AM
When my mom was on her death bed, my DH was by my and her side. We had a friend of mine watch my kids. If he wants to do play dates why does he have to hang out with her friend behind her back? Does he not have guy friends to have play dates with? Or why not agree to have her drop her kids off with him and vice versa? Being sneaky with his dw friend is no way to go about this. I'm a sahm and I would never have play dates with DH friends and their kids. It's respect. Especially if he is being sneaky and was already told by his wife it made her uncomfortable!

Quoting lucky2Beeme:

You should back down, What the hell is Wong with you ? He does the job of sahm. There are not many SAHD's. Do you not want him to have any adult interaction ? You're jealous and that's never a good thing. I don't see whats got you all pissed. esp where you were with your mom and he took the kids on a play date. What would you have liked him to do?

by Platinum Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 10:42 AM

 It really sounds like he was trying to continue with life as normal as possible with the kids, not many men would take kids on a playdate. I think you are still in grief over the death, and need to wait and think of this later when you're thinking more clearly. Now if he's cheated on you in the past, that's a different story, but really, do you consult with him before you go on a playdate? If not, then you are having a double standard here.

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