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he pushed me while i was holding our daughter

Posted by on May. 10, 2013 at 11:05 PM
  • 29 Replies

hi! this is my first time to cafe mom and i have no idea if this is the right place to post this... but i just need some advice. My partner and i have a nine month old daughter and we fight all the time. I believe our relationship can be fixed, but the biggest problem is his temper, We had a dumb argument last night; he bought lottery tickets, even though we have bills etc due and i said (politely!) that i didn't agree with him doing that. It ended up with him making comments about "its my money and i'll do what i want"... he uses the fact that i don't earn any money against me and he knows i hate it! anyway he didn't speak to me for the rest of the night, then this morning he got up and got dressed ready to go out. When i asked him where he was going he wouldn't tell me and got really aggro when i pushed the issue. I'm sick of these childish games so i stood between him and the front door and kept pushing the issue. i know now i should probably have put our daughter down first. He ended up backing me against the door and trying to push me out of the way, i had one hand on his chest to try and get him to stop and talk to me instead of storming out and was using my foot to keep the door shut, he called me a psycho and shoved me out of the way and opened the door... i said "i don't want a life like this!" and he just said "don't worry. it won't be" and stormed out. He's told me before not to back him into a corner when hes angry and to just let him have time to calm down, so i know i probably should have just let him leave, but we have a daughter now and i can't believe he'd rather soend the day away from us and angry over something so little! I'm so ashamed that my home life is such a mess.... my parents have a perfect relationship and i've never witnessed stuff like this so i have no idea how to handle it. When he's calm he will admit that he has issues with his anger, but then something sets him off and he becomes completely impossible. He has thrown things at me, called me derogatory names and now this. He knows i don;t want to leave for a few reasons. The finances would be very complicated as my parents are on the documents for our house and i don't want to admit how much i've messed up... think i just needed a vent...

by on May. 10, 2013 at 11:05 PM
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frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on May. 10, 2013 at 11:08 PM

If you dont want to leave, i suggest some type of mediation or therapy for the pair of you.  Once someone pushes me all bets are off and police would be called.  Some states it is a felony to do that while the person is holding a baby.

notjstasocermom
by Bronze Member on May. 10, 2013 at 11:13 PM
Honestly he doesn't sound like the only one with a problem. Actually it sounds like you are the one who needs help here.
jackiewal10
by Gold Member on May. 10, 2013 at 11:17 PM
3 moms liked this

Honestly, the both of you sound like you're toxic to each other.  You should both get into couples AND individual therapy immediately. If this is what your relationship is like all the time...doesn't sound like there's much worth saving.

blessedmommie07
by Member on May. 10, 2013 at 11:22 PM
3 moms liked this
Personally I think it's your fault he pushed you especially if he has told you repeatedly not to back him in a corner when he's angry. I think you are one who put your daughter at risk.

And I am a person too that when I get angry I NEED to be left alone. I NEED time to calm down and I leave the situation, room or house so I won't become so upset I do or say something I'll regret. I had a similar situation a couple years ago but it was my husband getting in my face and not letting me leave because he thought I was "running away" and we had to talk it through then with both tempers running high. And yes I did push my husband to try and get him out of the way because I felt threatened being backed in a corner.

Personally I think you both need help. He obviously knows when he gets real angry he needs to leave to calm down and you need to respect that he is being smart doing that. And I think you both should think about couples counseling and work out your issues in a safe environment and it can help you how to approach a situation like that. DH and I want to counseling after that for a little while and haven't had arguments like that since. So it can really help.
daisykat
by on May. 10, 2013 at 11:31 PM
1 mom liked this
The two of you need to separate for awhile to get your heads straight. Are you married? Nevertheless, if the two of you are playing house, it's not HIS money anymore. It's the family's money, and you're caring for a nine-month-old, which is more difficult than any job he's working. I like jackiewal10's comment about the two of you being toxic to each other. How old are the two of you? There are some immaturity issues going on. A mature, stable man does not have to be coddled to when having a tantrum. And don't get physical with him first if you know about his temper. He could snap, and it's never a fair fight between a man and woman. He could seriously kick your ass.

He needs anger management and time to grow up. You need to learn how to stand on your own without depending on a man. Then, the two of you might have a fighting chance.
Ilovemybbgrl
by Bronze Member on May. 10, 2013 at 11:35 PM

That is the most ridiculous thing I have EVER read in my life. THEY may have their issues but when a child is involved you control yourself. HE pushed her SHE didnt MAKE him. HE is in control and responsible for HIS OWN ACTIONS. Sounds like YOU have issues just like they do! 


Quoting blessedmommie07:

Personally I think it's your fault he pushed you especially if he has told you repeatedly not to back him in a corner when he's angry. I think you are one who put your daughter at risk.

And I am a person too that when I get angry I NEED to be left alone. I NEED time to calm down and I leave the situation, room or house so I won't become so upset I do or say something I'll regret. I had a similar situation a couple years ago but it was my husband getting in my face and not letting me leave because he thought I was "running away" and we had to talk it through then with both tempers running high. And yes I did push my husband to try and get him out of the way because I felt threatened being backed in a corner.

Personally I think you both need help. He obviously knows when he gets real angry he needs to leave to calm down and you need to respect that he is being smart doing that. And I think you both should think about couples counseling and work out your issues in a safe environment and it can help you how to approach a situation like that. DH and I want to counseling after that for a little while and haven't had arguments like that since. So it can really help.



blessedmommie07
by Member on May. 10, 2013 at 11:47 PM
1 mom liked this

I never was stupid enough to argue with my hubby in front of the kids nevertheless holding them.

And people deal with anger differently. If he felt threatened backed in a corner his instinct would probably to be out of a corner.

And yes I did have issues with it because I was backed in a corner growing up to be hit on by my mother. I delt with it in counseling and haven't had hardly any problems since.

And she did put her daughter at risk by getting in his face when he was angry. Not everyone can think straight when angry or backed in a corner. I know I go into flight or fight mode because all I was used to was being hit when backed in a corner. You have no idea what caused he's reaction. This is only one side of the story.


Quoting Ilovemybbgrl:

That is the most ridiculous thing I have EVER read in my life. THEY may have their issues but when a child is involved you control yourself. HE pushed her SHE didnt MAKE him. HE is in control and responsible for HIS OWN ACTIONS. Sounds like YOU have issues just like they do! 

 


Quoting blessedmommie07:

Personally I think it's your fault he pushed you especially if he has told you repeatedly not to back him in a corner when he's angry. I think you are one who put your daughter at risk.



And I am a person too that when I get angry I NEED to be left alone. I NEED time to calm down and I leave the situation, room or house so I won't become so upset I do or say something I'll regret. I had a similar situation a couple years ago but it was my husband getting in my face and not letting me leave because he thought I was "running away" and we had to talk it through then with both tempers running high. And yes I did push my husband to try and get him out of the way because I felt threatened being backed in a corner.



Personally I think you both need help. He obviously knows when he gets real angry he needs to leave to calm down and you need to respect that he is being smart doing that. And I think you both should think about couples counseling and work out your issues in a safe environment and it can help you how to approach a situation like that. DH and I want to counseling after that for a little while and haven't had arguments like that since. So it can really help.

 


 

 

Belier5474
by on May. 11, 2013 at 12:39 AM

First of all, i am glad that you talked it out. It should take certain level of courage to do so.

Sorry that this is happening to your life. It seems like a domestic violence to me. I believe no man should land their hand on any woman in the abusive way. It also seems dangerous , more so when you have kids around. And if you have been living with this for a while, i wont get better, but rather worse. It is just my opinion.

I would encourage you to be on your own, if not for you it is for your daughter. She deserves better than that. You deserve better than that.

I know it is hard, very hard. However, there are moms like yourself out there who have conquered this and have total freedom. You have to bite the bullet. 

It seems like you have your parents near by. Do you have others or other kind of supports that you can find? Maybe start from there. 


hgirlsmum
by on May. 11, 2013 at 12:41 AM
1 mom liked this

i know i asked for peoples opinions and i appreciate what everyone has to say... but i guess i naturally feel compelled to defend myself a bit here. i wasn;t holding my daughter for any reason other than i was bringing her into the loungeroom when i noticed he was about to storm out without telling me where he was going. i had no intention of having an argument with him, i would never intentionally put her at risk. i may have verbally backed him into a corner, and that was my mistake, but physically he had me pushed up against the front door. i don't know what our ages have to do with it, but i'm nearly 30 and hes in his 30's. I guess the main thrust of my question is, is it ok for him to just storm out and not tell me where he is going, simply because he is having a tantrum? i feel like i am so deeply into this situation that i have lost the ability to read whether he is walking out to calm down or to make a point at me.... i know posting things on the internet can;t replace therpay and mediation, but it is very helpful to hear other people's views... its easy to forget that theres a whole world of couples out there who may be having similar arguments and feel trapped in your own little world.

jackiewal10
by Gold Member on May. 11, 2013 at 1:00 AM
1 mom liked this

YES. Whether it's because he's having a "tantrum" or not.  If he KNOWS he needs space when he's pissed, then WHY THE HELL would you get in his way.  You even said that he has told you NOT to do this, yet, here you are again, in his way when he needs to leave.  It doesn't really matter if he's walking out to make a point to you or if he really needs to calm down.  They are two sides of the same coin.  Do you really need to know where he is, where he goes EVERY TIME he leaves the house?  Especially after an argument?  Does it matter??  No.  What matters is that he comes home, AFTER HE'S CALMED DOWN, and realizes that some bad stuff happened.  I agree with a previous poster.  I think the two of you need to separate for a while.  Live apart.  See if this relationship is even worth saving.

Quoting hgirlsmum:

i know i asked for peoples opinions and i appreciate what everyone has to say... but i guess i naturally feel compelled to defend myself a bit here. i wasn;t holding my daughter for any reason other than i was bringing her into the loungeroom when i noticed he was about to storm out without telling me where he was going. i had no intention of having an argument with him, i would never intentionally put her at risk. i may have verbally backed him into a corner, and that was my mistake, but physically he had me pushed up against the front door. i don't know what our ages have to do with it, but i'm nearly 30 and hes in his 30's. I guess the main thrust of my question is, is it ok for him to just storm out and not tell me where he is going, simply because he is having a tantrum? i feel like i am so deeply into this situation that i have lost the ability to read whether he is walking out to calm down or to make a point at me.... i know posting things on the internet can;t replace therpay and mediation, but it is very helpful to hear other people's views... its easy to forget that theres a whole world of couples out there who may be having similar arguments and feel trapped in your own little world.


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