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he pushed me while i was holding our daughter

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hi! this is my first time to cafe mom and i have no idea if this is the right place to post this... but i just need some advice. My partner and i have a nine month old daughter and we fight all the time. I believe our relationship can be fixed, but the biggest problem is his temper, We had a dumb argument last night; he bought lottery tickets, even though we have bills etc due and i said (politely!) that i didn't agree with him doing that. It ended up with him making comments about "its my money and i'll do what i want"... he uses the fact that i don't earn any money against me and he knows i hate it! anyway he didn't speak to me for the rest of the night, then this morning he got up and got dressed ready to go out. When i asked him where he was going he wouldn't tell me and got really aggro when i pushed the issue. I'm sick of these childish games so i stood between him and the front door and kept pushing the issue. i know now i should probably have put our daughter down first. He ended up backing me against the door and trying to push me out of the way, i had one hand on his chest to try and get him to stop and talk to me instead of storming out and was using my foot to keep the door shut, he called me a psycho and shoved me out of the way and opened the door... i said "i don't want a life like this!" and he just said "don't worry. it won't be" and stormed out. He's told me before not to back him into a corner when hes angry and to just let him have time to calm down, so i know i probably should have just let him leave, but we have a daughter now and i can't believe he'd rather soend the day away from us and angry over something so little! I'm so ashamed that my home life is such a mess.... my parents have a perfect relationship and i've never witnessed stuff like this so i have no idea how to handle it. When he's calm he will admit that he has issues with his anger, but then something sets him off and he becomes completely impossible. He has thrown things at me, called me derogatory names and now this. He knows i don;t want to leave for a few reasons. The finances would be very complicated as my parents are on the documents for our house and i don't want to admit how much i've messed up... think i just needed a vent...

by on May. 10, 2013 at 11:05 PM
Replies (21-29):
suetoo
by Bronze Member on May. 12, 2013 at 8:31 AM

You are doing such a wonderful job of teaching your daughter that it is perfectly all right to let yourself be abused! Children learn what they live. You can't truly love her enough if you let her live with that anger. You are a victim, he is an abuser. Unfortunately it takes two. And you let your child suffer in the middle. You believe it's your fault because you  "pushed the issue"? His anger issues will only get worse. Trust me, I know. Put your shoulders back, take a deep breath, admit you messed up, and start protecting your daughter. Call a domestic violence hotline, call the cops to get him gone, admit to your parents. And like Robin Roberts said "rt. foot, left foot, breathe". 

Bellmont
by Member on May. 12, 2013 at 9:27 AM

I want through the samething plus more with my frist husband. I couldn't go outside to check the mail. He would say that I was cheating on him. He would beat me,didn't care if I had a kid in my belly or on my hip. This went on for 5 years, until I finaly told myself that I was better then that. I took my kids & left. Never went back.to this day no man has ever hit me.(43 yrs later) I went and got my GED even went to collage. I know have 5 grandchldren & 2 great grandchlidren. I have told them all NEVER let any one HIT on them.

Please for your child & yourself get away from the abuse.

jabs54
by Platinum Member on May. 12, 2013 at 10:01 AM

 I would insist on marriage counseling.  Good luck!

Basherte
by Bronze Member on May. 12, 2013 at 10:21 AM

This probably won't be the most popular response. I might get bashed for this, but I don't care.

If the man has told you not to corner him when he's pissed, then the being pushed while holding your daughter is your fault. Period.

You shouldn't have cornered him, and you shouldn't have been holding your daughter when you went to confront him either. 

When he's calm again, maybe you could suggest counseling for the both of you and counseling for him for his anger. 

You escalated the issue and the problem over something that you yourself said was not a big thing. 

He may need help with his anger, but you also  need help with your need to control where he is and where he goes.

CafeMom Tickers
sandysl
by New Member on May. 12, 2013 at 10:56 AM
How is it her fault,no matter What a women does she does not deserved to be pushed like that.the father should never of pushed her espically while holdinf her daughter.u r messed up for saying that.for the mom in this situation i know what its like to have fights with childs father and for it to be physical.its bot good for any of u in this situation.i understand y u dont want to leave him,i know it woukd b very hard to do thaf but if he cannot control his temper u really have to leave him.it will get worse before it gets better,u guys should try counseling or he should get help for his temper.the most important thing is your daughter is being put into the middle of this and if it continues as she geta older she will think thats how a man treats a women and go for abusive men.next time u guys fight let him go calm down even if that means hes leaving for a lil while.i know u wanna talk it out with him but one someone is angry its best to leave it alone till they calm down.fu ever want someone to talk to bout this and since ive been through these things with my baby daddy please send me a message.i would love to help if i can and share my story with u and how all rhe fighting affected my son.i hope the best for u.


Quoting blessedmommie07:

Personally I think it's your fault he pushed you especially if he has told you repeatedly not to back him in a corner when he's angry. I think you are one who put your daughter at risk.



And I am a person too that when I get angry I NEED to be left alone. I NEED time to calm down and I leave the situation, room or house so I won't become so upset I do or say something I'll regret. I had a similar situation a couple years ago but it was my husband getting in my face and not letting me leave because he thought I was "running away" and we had to talk it through then with both tempers running high. And yes I did push my husband to try and get him out of the way because I felt threatened being backed in a corner.



Personally I think you both need help. He obviously knows when he gets real angry he needs to leave to calm down and you need to respect that he is being smart doing that. And I think you both should think about couples counseling and work out your issues in a safe environment and it can help you how to approach a situation like that. DH and I want to counseling after that for a little while and haven't had arguments like that since. So it can really help.

Momforhealth
by on May. 12, 2013 at 11:14 AM
Wow. I can not believe everyone is blaming you. Sounds like you guys have some maturing to do. Maybe a little guidance would help. Have you talked with your parents?. Maybe you guys could sit down together and talk about how much money goes to fun. What nights you go out. How it makes each other feel when you treat each other a certain way and what you need instead. Swap parenting time. Each of you are still individuals and should have some say in their own life but both need to remember your commitment to each other and your baby. He sounds like he just needs some say. My husband and I bicker...get it out...walk away...have time out..then forget...kiss n make up.
Diane1223
by Member on May. 12, 2013 at 7:12 PM
Sounds like a bad situation, I think y'all should talk to someone
aasmith88
by Member on May. 13, 2013 at 9:34 AM

Geez, first off it is NOT your fault he pushed you while holding your guys' daughter. Did you place yourself there knowing how he may get? Yes, but that is no excuse to get aggressive with a child in your arms. 

I think you both need some help.. But he needs immediately guidance. If you can't control your anger to the point where you are acting out with a child present.. That's messed up. 

I don't care if "you need cool off time" what happens when the daughter is super fussy and won't stop crying and your not home? Is he going to leave because he can't handle it? Or what if she's super clingy and whiny for whatever reason? Is he going to push her down too? 

Be careful. When it comes to safety... Money is nothing. Talk to your parents before he makes an angry decision and you can't take it back. ...even if you feel you might be over reacting.. You're not. He needs to know how serious you are about him controlling his anger. 

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HIM GETTING PHYSICAL WITH YOU N YOUR DAUGHTER! NONE! I DON'T CARE UF YOU WERE "in the way". A PARENT SHOULD HAVE MORE CONTROL THAN THAT. 

ginamom512
by on May. 13, 2013 at 9:53 AM

You guys sound toxic I think it would be beneficial to seek counseling. 

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