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Please help me! Urgent! Can't walk away from my mental / emotional / sexual abuser...

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Please help me. I have been in a relationship for four years. He and I share two children and I am currently pregnant with our third. He is 52 and I am 28. I am madly, blindly in love with him and he seems to love me too. The problem is, he doesn't trust me. He interrogates me relentlessly, makes me feel guilty for no reason at all, he talks down to me and makes me feel worthless. He perpetuates my own insecurities. he actually exploits them. It hurts me to be intimate with him and so I do not enjoy it. If I refuse to be intimate with him, he breaks up with me and tells me that he will find someone who will satisfy his needs as a man. He shows up at different locations to verify that I am where I say that I am - work, doctors appointments, the gas station etc. He makes me show him receipts and paperwork that is time stamped to cooberate my stories. I am not allowed to have male friends, and if he thinks that I am looking at another man, such as a waiter in a restaurant, he "punishes" me by having forceful sex, giving me the silent treatment or breaking my heart completely by breaking up with me. I always end up apologizing profusely because I love and miss him so much that we have fallen into this dangerous cycle of break-ups and make-ups. We do not live together, but he had told me jokingly on many occasions that if I ever hurt him or leave him, he will "blow my head off". He owns a gun so although he says it jokingly, I am fearful. He is a doctoral candidate, so I feel like he would be smart enough not to throw it all away on hurting me. I feel like I should hurt myself. I'm lost because I love him, completely, despite his treatment towards me. What can I do to walk away...and stay away for good?

by on May. 18, 2013 at 10:12 PM
Replies (11-20):
by on May. 19, 2013 at 1:30 AM

This is an abusive relationship. He sounds dangerous. I think u will need to leave him. It will be hard, but u and you're children deserve to be safe and happy. But if or when u do leave go about it very carefully and make sure to have a foolproof plan.

by on May. 19, 2013 at 1:33 AM
2 moms liked this

Congratulations to you for reaching out. You are on your way to getting the help you need. Just don't stop here. Keep the momentum going.

I agree with the previous replies. You must get out and have nothing further to do with this man.  But about restraining orders: sometimes they are ineffective, especially with men like this one, and even if you place a restraining order against him, he can find you. He is such a sick man, such a thing might just make him violent.

This is why you must protect yourself and your children. It's important to stay alive. He's a ticking time bomb. He will eventually find a reason to hurt you if you stay with him.  

Report his threats to police ASAP. Tell them you need help to find a women's shelter where he will not find you. There are places especially for women like you, hidden from public view.  And contact CPS. Let them know your children may be at risk. It will be hard, but you can do it. 

Please don't be a statistic. 

by on May. 19, 2013 at 1:43 AM
You are a beautiful young woman, you deserve better! Please be careful, and let the police know what's going on. I wish you and your children the best! God bless! Your all are in my prayers! ((((HUGS))))
by on May. 19, 2013 at 2:40 AM
1 mom liked this

I was recently in a similar situation.  I am currently going through a divorce and the last year has been awful due to the shit this guy pulled.  17 years, 3 kids...I had decided to see a psychologist, to work on the marriage.  After about 8 sessions, I asked him what can I do, will he change?  His reply, "nothing, he is not going to change" hit me hard and I hated him for saying it.  How can he say that to me?  doesn't he want me to work things out?!!  Fortunately, it sunk in and he was so right.  He was never going to change.  This kind of behavior is not something that changes.  He will never, ever accept responsibility for his actions.  It will always be your fault, what you did, what you said, what you wore, who you looked at, etc.  Having someone be so blunt with me was just what I needed, HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE, EVER.  You owe it to yourself and your kids to get out of this relationship NOW.  Love your children more than you think you love him.  A big motivator for me was looking at my 2 beautiful daughters and knowing that if I didn't get away from him, they would think this was all normal and they would end up in a relationship with someone just like him....and I worreid that my son would grow up to treat women the same as his dad.  Get help now, this is abuse, he is an abuser and you are being abused.  He belittles you and he controls you.  Please, google domestic violence and read and please get some help now.  I went right to Battered Women's Services.  Their counseling and legal help saved me.  You deserve better than this and your children need to know this is not acceptable.  Good luck, I know this is hard but you owe it to all of you.

by on May. 19, 2013 at 2:50 AM

I want to add a few more things...I agree with what many people said about getting an order or protection and contacting CPS.  You may be afraid to  do that and too hopeful this may work out...or maybe you just don't want to piss him off.  If you do nothing, he eventually will.  My lovely man had me removed from my home twice.  He went to family court and filed for an order of protection.  They give these out like lollipos and you end up having to prove the accusations wrong.  I finally did but spent a long time away from my children. I gave up going back to my house becasue I could not risk being away from them again.    I would never have believed anything like this could happen.  I was naive.  If you don't make a move, he will and then you will be in the same position I was in...proving you are a good mom and he is a liar. 

by on May. 19, 2013 at 4:13 AM
This for starters. Change ur name for another.

Quoting Bookoholic:

I would move since you don't live together, file a restraining order and make sure the police know these treats. Other then that I'm not sure.

by on May. 19, 2013 at 4:21 AM
1 mom liked this
I will be praying for you and your children.

Dear God, I ask that you be with this young woman and her children in this time of need. I pray that you guide her in the right direction. I pray that u keep them safe. I pray that you give this woman the courage and strength she needs to leave. I pray that these deathly threats against her are empty threats. I just ask you God to lay hands on this woman and wrap her in ur embrace, to give her knowledge. I pray in the name of the Lord Almighty, Amen.

I hope this prayer does not offend you and I don't normally write prayers for comments but I felt compelled to do so. I will be praying for you. **Big Big hugs** I hope you find the strength you need.
by Gold Member on May. 19, 2013 at 6:48 AM

call 1-800-799-SAFE   they can help you make a plan and stick to it..  what you describe isn't love, it's a serious addiction you need help to overcome.  That number can give you all the help you need in regards to making plans, getting out, a place to go, a job, education, training, etc, etc....

by on May. 19, 2013 at 7:55 AM
Yep ! This!

Quoting mamaanl:

Do NOT EVER move in with this guy first of all.  And if this all is really going, then you need to get out of the relationship asap...for your sake and for you children's sake! There are many shelters you can go to...and I'm not talking about run down shelters for homeless people...there are nice homes that help other women in your situation.  And if he has really threatened your life then you get a restraining order against him...I understand you have children together but that's when you go to court & get those thing legally taken care of...If this is truly happening then GET OUT NOW!  There are people that can help you.  He is not worth it.  If he is abusive like this then it will only get worse...He obviously doesn't care about you and love you.  Someone that truly loves you would never treat you like that.  

by Bronze Member on May. 20, 2013 at 7:23 AM

Realize that your kids are learning that this is the correct way to treat a woman. That this is the type of relationship they will think of as normal. 

You need to speak to the police and let them know that he has threatened to blow your head off if you leave him. No matter how he "says" it, it is not a joke. No man who loves you would threaten to kill you if you left him. NO MAN.

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