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Please help me! Urgent! Can't walk away from my mental / emotional / sexual abuser...

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Please help me. I have been in a relationship for four years. He and I share two children and I am currently pregnant with our third. He is 52 and I am 28. I am madly, blindly in love with him and he seems to love me too. The problem is, he doesn't trust me. He interrogates me relentlessly, makes me feel guilty for no reason at all, he talks down to me and makes me feel worthless. He perpetuates my own insecurities. he actually exploits them. It hurts me to be intimate with him and so I do not enjoy it. If I refuse to be intimate with him, he breaks up with me and tells me that he will find someone who will satisfy his needs as a man. He shows up at different locations to verify that I am where I say that I am - work, doctors appointments, the gas station etc. He makes me show him receipts and paperwork that is time stamped to cooberate my stories. I am not allowed to have male friends, and if he thinks that I am looking at another man, such as a waiter in a restaurant, he "punishes" me by having forceful sex, giving me the silent treatment or breaking my heart completely by breaking up with me. I always end up apologizing profusely because I love and miss him so much that we have fallen into this dangerous cycle of break-ups and make-ups. We do not live together, but he had told me jokingly on many occasions that if I ever hurt him or leave him, he will "blow my head off". He owns a gun so although he says it jokingly, I am fearful. He is a doctoral candidate, so I feel like he would be smart enough not to throw it all away on hurting me. I feel like I should hurt myself. I'm lost because I love him, completely, despite his treatment towards me. What can I do to walk away...and stay away for good?

by on May. 18, 2013 at 10:12 PM
Replies (21-30):
Angela6812
by Member on May. 20, 2013 at 8:11 AM

Right now you are reading all these replies and thinking "I can not leave him, I love him so much and he loves me. He shows me every day when he makes sure I am where I say I am, that I am faithful to him. He loves me so much that he is scared I will leave him and then no one will love him." This is all brainwashing, Hun and you need to seek proper help. Call the help line 1-800-779-safe ASAP! Do not delay, your life and the lives of your children depend on it. Your are thinking "What if I behave better, then he will not get angry at me? What if I leave and he finds me, he will be so angry at me he might really hurt me?" Forcing you to have painful sex with him is NOT A SIGN OF HIS LOVE! It is his way to show he is more powerful than you. So what if he has an advanced college degree and you do not. That does not give him the right to treat you this way! Get up and get ready for the day the way you always do, get the children ready and then leave the house like you are going to work and taking the children to school or where ever you take them. Then go to the Police Station and file a Rstraining Order! Call the number and get yourself and your children to a safe place ASAP and get counseling now, please. For yourself and the children. It will be ok.

ThinkAgainMom
by on May. 20, 2013 at 10:11 AM

Clearly there are TWO voices in your head.  One tells you he loves you - (this is NOT love, however) - the other tells you he is your "Mental/emotional, sexual abuser" (as you entitled this post).  Listen to THAT voice, the second one.  He is a mental, emotional and sexual abuser and things will get worse if you stay.

DO NOT allow the first voice to even speak to you. If it says a thing, literally tell it "NOT NOW", whatever it has to say will still be there after you have done the right thing.. Simply look for a battered women's shelter in your area, take your children and GO THERE.  Once you have gotten their support, with the help of a therapist, you can listen to everything the voice that says he loves you and you love him says.  Until then, just know that voice is as CRAZY as he is. Listen TODAY to the part of you that says THIS IS NOT SAFE.  If you can't do this for yourself, leave him for your childrens' sake.  They deserve better.

 

Bellmont
by on May. 20, 2013 at 1:55 PM

 

I went was that way for 5 yrs. Then he almost killed me. This is what you need to do for this kids.  

Quoting Angela6812:

Right now you are reading all these replies and thinking "I can not leave him, I love him so much and he loves me. He shows me every day when he makes sure I am where I say I am, that I am faithful to him. He loves me so much that he is scared I will leave him and then no one will love him." This is all brainwashing, Hun and you need to seek proper help. Call the help line 1-800-779-safe ASAP! Do not delay, your life and the lives of your children depend on it. Your are thinking "What if I behave better, then he will not get angry at me? What if I leave and he finds me, he will be so angry at me he might really hurt me?" Forcing you to have painful sex with him is NOT A SIGN OF HIS LOVE! It is his way to show he is more powerful than you. So what if he has an advanced college degree and you do not. That does not give him the right to treat you this way! Get up and get ready for the day the way you always do, get the children ready and then leave the house like you are going to work and taking the children to school or where ever you take them. Then go to the Police Station and file a Rstraining Order! Call the number and get yourself and your children to a safe place ASAP and get counseling now, please. For yourself and the children. It will be ok.


 

newmom121812
by on May. 20, 2013 at 1:59 PM
oh god here we go.


i am sorry this happened to you.
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SexyTeacher
by Gold Member on May. 20, 2013 at 5:37 PM

Get a gun and learn how to use it. Take 3 suitcases -one for each of you and a bag for some toys and leave! Make sure you have wiped the bank account clean or have money put away and just leave. DO NOT go to parents or friends unless he has no idea where they live. If you have to trade the car vehicle you have and do it fast. And file a restraining order! Plus, if has a gun you can take his or throw it off a bridge/dumpster or possibly pawn it. GET OUT NOW!!!! TODAY!!!

anotherandree
by Inga on May. 20, 2013 at 5:43 PM

He does NOT love you.  He OWNS you.  He manipulates you and your children are watching this.  You're right that this is a VICIOUS cycle that will only continue until it ends in violence, either by your hand or his.  You need a plan before you end this relationship because he WILL try and "punish" you.  Your plan needs to include:  family, friends, the police, a restraining order, and a women's shelter.  This is NO JOKE.  I have worked with SEVERAL WOMEN with stories just like yours.  Please get help and GET OUT.

whyamiabadmom
by on May. 20, 2013 at 6:06 PM

Leaving takes careful planning.  Call the crisis center in your area or the numbers provided here to help you find one.  DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CONFRONT HIM ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR THAT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE.  If what you are saying is true then you have very valid fears about leaving him. Start listening to your intuition and make a plan.  Don't let those fears be what keeps you with him.  Let them strengthen your resolve.  Delete the history of this post from your computer just in case he checks because chances are he does and contact your local crisis center to develop a safety plan.  Get all of your paperwork, ss cards, id's, birth certificates in order and hide them in a safe place.  Ask a friend to help you but ONLY if you trust them 100% to keep their mouth shut.  Loose mouths sink ships and if he gets even a hint that you are about to leave him then your danger level increases.  Do I sound paranoid?  Yes... but paranoia is what keeps women alive when leaving an abusive relationship. 

whyamiabadmom
by on May. 20, 2013 at 6:09 PM

Another thing.. you are pregnant?  Has your doctor or nurse asked if you are in an abusive relationship?  If not then tell them anyways and ask for help.  Are you having your baby in the hospital?  That would be a perfect time to get out of the situation but only if you plan carefully. 

flaquitabss
by Member on May. 20, 2013 at 6:30 PM

Listen, really listen... You have what it takes to protect your children.   You do.  You are a coreagous woman, and you are THE ONLY ONE who will protect your babies.  Your children need their mommy.  DO NOT LET ANYONE take that away from them.  He does not Love you.  And you know this, deep inside.   He wants to own you.  And you deserve to be loved and respected.  If you stay with this looser of a man, he will destroy you, and your children, and you will never find true love.   You are worth sooooo much more.  Pray.  Get the strength and walk away now.  He doesnt deserve you, your children and you are important and special and deserve better than this crap man.  Show your kids, what a strong mommy they have and move on.  You can do this!!!!

daytonbaby210
by on May. 20, 2013 at 10:07 PM

I agree with most of the previous posters. I would talk to the cops about the threats file a restraining or order of protection. I would call the hotline that people have been talking about. Your children nor you deserve this and you need to get them out or it could be fatal. I have seen it quite a few time and lost a friend to this and it is not worth it.

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