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Help! What do I say to my daughter's ex-bf's crazy mom?

Posted by on May. 29, 2013 at 12:01 AM
  • 19 Replies

This is so weird.

Basically, I'd been uncomfortable with my daughter (11) associating with a boy for the past two years that they liked each other and considered themselves boyfriend/girlfriend. His home situation was no stranger to drugs, alcohol, violence, homelessness, untreated mental illness, and a lack of any child supervision or care.

I'd tried to be understanding because the boy seemed like an exception to his family, but he'd also been prone to hitting my daughter in the arm, kicking her in the shin or pouting for days if she talked to a boy he didn't like or did or said something he didn't like.

Finally, it'd just gotten too much and I said, "Enough." I'd tried to be supportive of this boy. When his family had an emergency (the step-father's grandfather had died and they needed a place for him to stay while they went to the funeral), we rearranged our rooms to allow him some space, fed him, cared for him, made sure he got his homework done and took care to make sure he didn't cross any lines. He respected our house rules and behaved very well, like a normal 11 year old. We've gone to his soccer games (sometimes driving him to practices so the coach wouldn't bench him for games) and he'd gone to church with us.

But he continues to get into fights with other kids, he continues to push the boundaries with my daughter. The boy's mom just recently wanted him to come stay with us again so she and her husband could get away for their anniversary and get wasted. o.O She asked me at 11:45pm the night before the day she wanted to drop him off. She really didn't understand that their anniversary drugfest getaway wasn't the exact same thing as an out-of-state family funeral. It was just enough and I couldn't, as my daughter's mother, allow it to continue.

My daughter was cooperative. She'd been feeling exhausted by him for a while but felt obligated to stay supportive of him. I really wanted to make it clear that she is not obligated to stay with anyone who exhausts her! The people in her life should add to her life, just the same as she should add to their lives.

But now the boy's mom is texting me wanting to know why. What do I say that won't end up with a rock through our front window?

by on May. 29, 2013 at 12:01 AM
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Replies (1-10):
terpmama
by Bronze Member on May. 29, 2013 at 12:05 AM
1 mom liked this

It's not a good time for us... 

lightning918
by Member on May. 29, 2013 at 12:09 AM
1 mom liked this
Just text her back and tell her straight that you can't watch him. It's too short notice and its not a family emergency. Do you have a number for a babysitter that you could give them?
frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on May. 29, 2013 at 12:09 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree.  Say this is not a good time for us and leave it at that.  It stinks when a child does not come from a stable home and it effects all their friends and the friends' families.

happybooklady
by on May. 29, 2013 at 12:32 AM

No, no. I had no problem saying "no" to the request for him to stay with us and I made it clear that I only did it because it was a family emergency before. It's just that was the final straw for me.

She wants to know why I've stopped my daughter from having a relationship with her son.

conniejo75
by Bronze Member on May. 29, 2013 at 12:42 AM
2 moms liked this
Um how about cause she's too young?


Quoting happybooklady:

No, no. I had no problem saying "no" to the request for him to stay with us and I made it clear that I only did it because it was a family emergency before. It's just that was the final straw for me.

She wants to know why I've stopped my daughter from having a relationship with her son.


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wishonme_2000
by on May. 29, 2013 at 1:21 AM
I would let her know thats its too short of notice and rec a baby sitter its one thing if its a family emerg but not for a date night
happybooklady
by on May. 29, 2013 at 1:27 AM

Crap. I am so bad at confrontation. The boy's mom started messaging me on Facebook (I'd already removed her but hadn't blocked her) talking about how she's crying on her anniversary and how I'm being unfair. She going on about some infantile thing about her talking to my daughter's step-mother, which I couldn't care less about, and how she thinks that's behind my decision.

I said, "I'm sorry you're upset that I've removed you from my friend's list. I don't see how that should impact your anniversary at all. My daughter is young and I have to make decisions that I believe are in her best interests. Since these types of situations are rarely simple, you still do not have the complete reasoning behind my decisions nor will you. Just continue doing the best you can for your kids and I wish you all well."

I have social anxiety. I don't like confrontation at all. I don't even like it when people raise their voices on tv. I'm very uncomfortable with this. I hope what I've said will end this, otherwise I'm just going to block her and hope there's no escalation. These aren't the classiest bunch of people.

newlife2013
by on May. 29, 2013 at 5:41 AM
You have been more than kind to them considering he was hurting your child, you don't need to explain to her, state it clearly and don't reply again, some people no matter what their situation is should never be let in your home unfortunately. She sounds totally unstable and is harassing you.
zacmacsmomm
by on May. 29, 2013 at 8:42 AM

He's been hitting your daughter and kicking her in the shin?  Am I getting this right?  I wouldn't allow that child near mine and I would just tell the mom NO.  It sucks, you can't save every one

happybooklady
by on May. 29, 2013 at 11:18 AM

She's still arguing with me. There's no boundaries with her, I swear. I told her I was not available to argue my parenting decisions and she's already too upset just based on her assumptions, kids are resilient, my daughter's already over it and if her son isn't, he will be soon. I said there was nothing more to say so I wouldn't respond. Then I blocked her.

Who gets that wrapped up in their tween's love life? Ugh.

Thank you for the support. Yes, he has been hitting and kicking her. It's not been constant, but he's done it. She's tougher and stronger than him but chooses not to react violently in return because we don't do that. She just repeatedly told him that was unacceptable, he'd apologize but then the next time he got upset, he'd do it again. So I will not miss that at all.

On the bright side, my daughter and I have talked about that and other behavior exhibited by the family that are unacceptable so she won't tolerate that in future relationships, especially after seeing first hand that the behavior never changes. I hope that helps her make better choices in the future.

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