Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Why doesn't my other Daddy help me live? *RANT*

Posted by on May. 31, 2013 at 11:24 PM
  • 12 Replies

"Why doesn't my other Daddy help me live?" My oldest DS actually said that to me tonight. I wanted to cry, to crumble up in front of him anything but answer him. All I could come up with, the best answer I had was, "I'm sorry, I don't know Boubbi, but Daddy and I will always be here for you, no matter what."  He overheard DH and I talking about how his bio dad lost his job (of a whole 2 mths) again and me freak out of the hefty cancellation fee for the dentist appt he has on Monday for which he no longer has insurance to attend. Granted we were talking softly 2 rooms away, he still heard and was concerned. Bio Dad tells me no job=no CS payments the day before I have to register DS for soccer, which he agreed CS payments were going to pay for.

We've tried to teach him(DS) that he is special because most kids only get 1 Daddy but he has 2. We've tried to teach DS that just because DH has had to move a lot because his job with the Navy, that his bio Dad still loves him and wants to be there but can't because it costs a lot of money to travel. Truth is DH is the only Daddy he has ever had. Bio Dad doesn't want any actual contact with DS, BUT refuses to sign over his rights so DH can adopt or at the very least I can give DS my last name and be done with it.  He(bio dad) doesn't want contact(hasn't seen him in since '08), he  makes sporatic  CS payments if any, but calls himself a Daddy.

I am sooo sick of making excuses, of assuring DS that bio dad loves him, of picking up the pieces bio dad breaks over and over again, without cause or care. I just want bio dad to be a Father or go away. He lends nothing beneficial to DS, why is he lerking around? Stop building his hopes up only to crush them in a single blow. Bio Dad didn't do the late night feedings/diaper changes, the teething, the bad dreams, the potty training, the difficulties at school, the skinned knees, he didn't do the downs to deserve the ups how can he still call himself a Daddy?! DH has been there since DS was 6mths and bio-dad was using me and almost DS as a punching bag. I've given bio dad 6 yrs to grow the fuck up and move on, but he doesn't. WTF! Bio Dad won't give up rights and leave us alone, won't have any contact with DS and/or pay CS, I don't know what to do. Everytime he lets DS down, I feel like I'm still stuck in that abusive, emotional, roller coaster relationship. Any advice on maybe just keeping my sanity?

by on May. 31, 2013 at 11:24 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
jackiewal10
by Gold Member on May. 31, 2013 at 11:30 PM
1 mom liked this

If there is no contact, how does your son know about him?  Is there visitation or anything? If *I* were in that situation, I would start going about life as if bio-dad didn't exist.  Start protecting your son (not that you don't know, I don't want it to sound that way).  Keep this guy out of your minds, off your tongues, etc.  

Angelanscalf89
by on May. 31, 2013 at 11:34 PM
Some people dont agree with me or may think Im wrong but THIS is why my daughter doesnt even know her bio father exists and shell be 6 in august.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
AM-BRAT
by Amber on Jun. 1, 2013 at 12:57 AM
1 mom liked this
Idk how you deal mama. Maybe it is time to cut ties...
mommyof2kids401
by on Jun. 1, 2013 at 1:05 AM
We have filed court papers to take SD's bio-moms rights away.She has never been a mom to him. She has let us have him and when we did let him go visit her she ended moving and not telling us only for us to get a call 3 months later from her mom telling us she was in jail and to come get him. That was over a year ago. She has seen him twice.
Momofmenagerie
by on Jun. 1, 2013 at 1:23 AM
Honestly, you can change the last name regardless of giving up rights. It isn't hard. And just quit depending on C.S. altogether, if it shows up great! But I wouldn't even bother with it. Good luck.
lidibolton
by on Jun. 1, 2013 at 2:01 AM
1 mom liked this

unfortunately you can't do anything but love and be there for your child. be supportive to him. Many men try to call themselves dads but in reality they aren't they are sperm donors. My ex hardly calls, doesnt really send money, etc, but in the long run he's affecting his relationship with his kids.

One thing though is obviously if your childs bio dad isn't reliable with CS, or anything in general I wouldn't rely or expect his help in any way shape or form. That's one thing that has helped me. If my kids want/need something I do it, and if I get help from him I do, if not it is what it is. I'm not goign to let my kids go without if i can find a way to do it. Sometimes unfortunately I have to tell my kids I'm sorry but mommy just doesnt have it. It's part of life, isn't fair, but I try to make it up in another way if i can doing something extra special with them.

NutsMomma
by on Jun. 1, 2013 at 2:12 AM
Idk what state you're in but in ohio no contact/ cs for 12 months is abandonment and you can have his rights forfeited.
GoddessOCakes
by on Jun. 1, 2013 at 10:32 AM

Thanks ladies. Bio Dad had visitation in '08 DS was 2. Bio Dad made minimal attempts at contact. He has the option for supervised visitation, but hasn't taken it since '08. When bio dad got this new job I ignored him for weeks, but this was the 1st job he had where he actually provided the court ordered insurance for DS. Bec of the insurance we had to communicate about providers, insurance details the customer service line wouldn't tell me because I wasn't on the plan, and for all visits I had to have bio dad's soc and dob.

DH and I have provided and shielded DS for so long it was nice to finally get some help. I thought bio dad was really getting his shit together for DS and I was excited for them both. In light of him "getting his shit together" I offered bio dad info about DS, how he was doing in school, how docs visits went, etc. I was trying to reward him for doing what was expected of him, to entice him to continue not fucking  up.

For 2 years I didn't so much as utter this sperm donors name. Everybody was happier for it. We opened a new CS case to get it where we live instead of where DS was born, about a month ago. Once that is in motion we'll have more options. And in a lot of states CS payments are considered contact, even if they are erratic and varying amounts.

We'll figure something out thanks for letting me vent ladies.

Quoting jackiewal10:

If there is no contact, how does your son know about him?  Is there visitation or anything? If *I* were in that situation, I would start going about life as if bio-dad didn't exist.  Start protecting your son (not that you don't know, I don't want it to sound that way).  Keep this guy out of your minds, off your tongues, etc.  


GoddessOCakes
by on Jun. 1, 2013 at 10:38 AM

For a contested name change we've been told it was in the ball park of $5000! If you know of another way please share. I'm very interested!!!

Quoting Momofmenagerie:

Honestly, you can change the last name regardless of giving up rights. It isn't hard. And just quit depending on C.S. altogether, if it shows up great! But I wouldn't even bother with it. Good luck.


GoddessOCakes
by on Jun. 1, 2013 at 10:44 AM

That's really sad. I'm sorry for him. At least he has you there for him. :o)

Quoting mommyof2kids401:

We have filed court papers to take SD's bio-moms rights away.She has never been a mom to him. She has let us have him and when we did let him go visit her she ended moving and not telling us only for us to get a call 3 months later from her mom telling us she was in jail and to come get him. That was over a year ago. She has seen him twice.


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)