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Advice for Moms Advice for Moms

Kids relationship with the step parent

Posted by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 8:36 PM
  • 3 Replies

Hello group, This is my first time posting anything on a group page. But I am not sure what to do anymore. 

I have been with my husband for almost 5 years. I have 5 children, 2 are my husbands and live in another state, 2 are mine that live with me, and my husband and I have one together. I am not sure how to help my husband and my children get a long. He is very strict, and they each have their own issues. My daughter is bipolar and my son is impulsive. My husband is a great man, he cooks cleans takes the kids to after school activites. But he talks with a bit of a loud voice, that comes across as yelling. He expects a lot from the kids. Which I understand he wants them to grow up to be respectable adults. But at the same time I do not feel like he is letting them be kids. My daughter is 11, and she can have a bit of an attitude. She can also be the sweetest kindest thing.  She had a really bad self esteem and I am afraid all of the punishing and negative feedback she gets is not helping to make it any better. My son is constantly in trouble, he has been grounded for the last month. And when he is grounded he can't do anything but sit in a chair. I am feeling like he doesn't care if he behaves, because it will never be good enough anyway. 

I try talking to my husband about this, but then all we do is argue. He doesn't like to be told that his way may not be the best way. He gets really pissed when I disagree with him. I don't do it in front of the kids, I wait until they go to bed, so that they don't see that we are not a united front. But then that makes them resent me, because they feel like I never stick up for them. 

I love my husband to death, we have a great relationship, and if we ever fight it is only because of the kids. I want nothing else for the kids to have a good relationship with him as well. I wish they could see the good he does for them, and I wish he could see the good they do. 

What am I to do?? I don't want a divorce but I don't want my kids to grow up in a home where they feel they are not good enough either. I don't feel like we will ever come to an agreement. 

Am I wrong for thinking this could ever work? Am I wrong for wanting him to praise the kids or have a normal conversation with them? 

Please help!

Thanks

by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 8:36 PM
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Replies (1-3):
frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Jun. 12, 2013 at 8:49 PM

I am thinking family counseling is in order for everyone to learn their roles in the family.  I do not like that the children are still separated into his, mine, ours.  That can make the children feel resentful of each other.  A 3rd party would be helpful so that they can tell him what they observe or notice w/o making him feel you are being overly sensitive about things.  It is my opinion once there is a marriage all the children become "our " children unless said children are of adult age and independant.  I grew up feeling not very good about myself due to moms husband forever trying to put me down or punish me for things others did.

Bleacheddecay
by Gold Member on Jun. 12, 2013 at 9:11 PM

I agree.

Quoting frndlyfn:

I am thinking family counseling is in order for everyone to learn their roles in the family.  I do not like that the children are still separated into his, mine, ours.  That can make the children feel resentful of each other.  A 3rd party would be helpful so that they can tell him what they observe or notice w/o making him feel you are being overly sensitive about things.  It is my opinion once there is a marriage all the children become "our " children unless said children are of adult age and independant.  I grew up feeling not very good about myself due to moms husband forever trying to put me down or punish me for things others did.



tpatterson
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 8:03 AM

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunatly we have tried family counseling. But my husband is very set in his ways and he thinks the counselors are full of crap. Actually my kids are both in counseling every week. Also we do call all 5 kids ours. I just put the difference in this post, to help explain the step father situation. 

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