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Advice for Moms Advice for Moms

I need help...

Posted by on Jun. 25, 2013 at 5:40 PM
  • 5 Replies

I need advice on a few things I think... 1st of all, my son is 1 1/2... He is a complete charmer most of the time, but when he gets mad, my god does he get mad. I feel I personally deal with it calm and effectively. I put him in his room if he doesn't stop like I ask him to (he does know what stop means). I tell him its not okay to act like he does, and he needs to stay in his room to calm down. It works after the 2nd or third attempt in a row and then hes back to being fine... I don't need help with his tantrums... Hes very intelligent, I know he understands me. but now I am dealing with my mother constantly criticizing me, and no matter how often I ask her to stop, she doesn't get it. I mean I really put my foot down and she just gets super pissed off at me. Then she gossips about my behavior to my husband. Its causing a lot of marital issues because hes gone 10 hours a day and doesn't seem to know who to believe. My son also seems very possessive of me.... to the point of hitting anyone I interact with besides him. I tell him hitting is mean and he isn't supposed to do it, then I make him sit down to cool off.  I am aware that he is at an age where he pushes the limits to see what he can get away with, but in my entire family, i'm the only one who seems to be aware that it is very normal for him. He listens to me and gives everyone else hell. My husband also thinks he can come home and change the rules my son lives by on a daily basis, which I think adds confusion. I ask my husband not to, but then he thinks im taking away his parental rights. My husband also complains because he isnt as advanced as other kids in language, but hes very physically advanced, I try to explain to him all children are different... but then an arguement insues because he is so positive if i worked and he stayed hom, our son would be an einstein by now... I am at my wits end....

by on Jun. 25, 2013 at 5:40 PM
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Replies (1-5):
frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Jun. 25, 2013 at 5:46 PM
1 mom liked this

You need to both sit down and discuss calmly what rules you want implemented for the whole household.  He should be backing you up as the mother and his wife, not the mother in law.   Does she live with you?   Start working with him on gentle touch rather than saying no hitting.   Any concerns about speech need to be addressed with his doctor and possible evaluation by a speech therapist.   Everything you mentioned sounds par for the course and he will be approaching "terrible toddler" if he isnt in the phase already.

LoreleiSieja
by on Jun. 25, 2013 at 7:14 PM
Holy cow! You have a lot to deal with! Your real problems seem to be a lack of communication between you and your family members, and not anything to do with your son. You seem very wise and well-informed about young children! I'd say that what you are doing for your son seems right on. However, having your mother and husband disagree can undermine your authority, create confusion for the child, and chaos for the home. Do you live with your mom? Is she over often? I'd advise starting with a family counsel. Right now, your son is too young to participate, but by the time he's about three or four, let him join. You and your husband (and mom if she lives with you) need to meet once a week to have a counsel. You will discuss issues, brainstorm solutions, keep records, make plans, and schedule family outings at these counsels. For your first counsel, keep it short. Set an "end" time, maybe about an hour or two. You have a lot to get through, but you want this to be a positive experience, and not a blame game. Pick one or two issues to discuss first. Let your husband know a week in advance about the upcoming family counsel, so he has time to prepare for it emotionally. Then, when your son is napping, set out a cup of coffee, a plate of cookies, or margueritas if that's more your style - and begin discussions. When you make a statement, talk about "I feel" instead of "You always." Making I statements are truths - they are non confrontational. Where as you statements can start fights. "I feel as though my opinion isn't trusted when it comes to raising our son." Or whatever it is you feel. One thing that you can really focus on is the house rules. Discuss your son's poor behaviors, and how you think they should be dealt with. For example, when he throws food on the floor, do you wipe it up and give him more, or do you get him out of his high chair and tell him that he's done eating? Make a list of rules and a list of consequences - so that everyone is on the same page - so that everyone who takes care of your son follows the same procedures. Finally - it sounds like your husband is wanting to be a stay-home dad? Did I read that right? Why? Do you believe him? Does he have a job? Is his income necessary for the family budget? I know that stay-home dads are a growing trend, but I'm afraid that some dads are just dead-beat dads and think it's fine if mama works and supports him, but he's a lousy parent and the home isn't safe for the child. Your husband is wrong if he thinks it's important for your son to be an Einstein. We have to allow our children the opportunity to be themselves! However, your son would benefit from a loving stay-home parent, if the budget can afford that. A loving parent can do a lot more for the child than even the best day care. But it's important that your husband realize what is "normal" for children, and that he not push your son to excel. There are five year olds with ulcers because their parents were too pushy. Good luck!



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Mamamanic
by Gold Member on Jun. 25, 2013 at 9:43 PM

The tantrums are likely because of the language barrier. He is trying to comunicate and you do have to push some to get him to use his words. You could try sign language for basic things also. While your saying words to him use the sign also. With the possesive thing, I would totally not give him what he wanted if he was not nice. You don't want to be nice to aunt beth, well you can't sit on my lap then. Really time-outs are not going to have much impact yet, but having a logical consequence will. Ex-you hit someone with that toy, you don't get to play with it.  If he really understands the time-out concept that is great, usually a 1.5 yr old will forget why they were even there though. As far as your dh and yourself, take him to the doc appointement with you so he can hear the doc for himself. Every child develops diffrent and he may be a listener and waiting to talk until he has it right. My youngest dd was like that and still is a little perfectionist. At that age i would catch her babbling in a corner when she thought no one was listening. 

Mom2Just1
by Mom2boys on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:24 AM


I agree with this.  Present an united front or this bite you in the ass come teenage years.

Quoting frndlyfn:

You need to both sit down and discuss calmly what rules you want implemented for the whole household.  He should be backing you up as the mother and his wife, not the mother in law.   Does she live with you?   Start working with him on gentle touch rather than saying no hitting.   Any concerns about speech need to be addressed with his doctor and possible evaluation by a speech therapist.   Everything you mentioned sounds par for the course and he will be approaching "terrible toddler" if he isnt in the phase already.



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connie45
by Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:57 AM
Is your husband a member of Mensa? No? Not surprising.

And if he believes your mother over you...then he's at strike two.
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