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I Feel Like a Failure As A Parent (PIOG...potty training question in this vent)...

Posted by on Jul. 1, 2013 at 9:02 PM
  • 6 Replies

I am feeling like a total failure as a parent right now.  My 3 year old DD (3 yrs and almost 7 months to be more precise) is speech delayed, won't finish potty training (she'll pee but not poop in the pot), and still takes a pacifier.  I know I can't control the speech or the potty training but I've chosen to focus on those rather than the pacifier.  Right now my frustration is with potty training.  She seems to be opposed to pooping anywhere except in her panties.  She's also started taking her panties off when she poops and just leaves them wherever she is.  Lately she's been taking them off at daycare and running around naked outside.  Today she took her Pull-up off (she was in a Pullup because she'd already had one accident today) and smeared the poop on the playground equipment.  


While I understand that I can't control when/how long it takes to potty train I'm frustrated.  She isn't the only child in her class who has accidents but she seems to take pleasure in pooping in her panties.  I've tried reward charts (don't work), time outs (don't work), asking her to go more often (doesn't work), and I'm ashamed to say that I've even tried spanking at the advice of my mother.  She's a smart kid but seems to be a literal learner.  She no longer takes off her panties at home so I think the punishing has lead to her thinking that I'm upset because she's taking it off.  I've taught her how to clean herself up and get clean panties so I think that's part of the reason why she's taking her panties off.  I just want her to poop in the potty just like she goes and pees in the potty.  I'm afraid her daycare is going to move her back to the 2 year old room because the 3 year olds are expected to be a bit more independent.  Today the teachers and assistant director looked like they wanted to tell me to take my kid and never come back.  I'm sure they weren't happy about having to cut outdoor time for the other kids to clean up the playground equipment after my DD.


I've scoured Cafe Mom and other kiddie sites and don't see anything I haven't yet tried.  Does anyone have any tips on what I can do to get her to poop in the potty and/or not take her panties off and play in the poop?  I understand that she'll finish potty training in her own time but right now I'm convinced that she's going to be the one 18 year old wearing a diaper at graduation.  


Feel free to bash me if you want because my child isn't potty trained (or still taking a pacifier) but please give me any tips that might help. 

by on Jul. 1, 2013 at 9:02 PM
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Replies (1-6):
frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Jul. 1, 2013 at 9:06 PM

Talk to her doctor and perhaps look into a one on one childcare solution rather than the group setting.  You are not supposed to use any punishments for accidents since that could cause them to have more.   DD was a late trainer and due to that she was not able to go to any formal preschool.   She was trained fine by kindergarten with quite a few months to spare.   For us we made it all about her choice.  If she had to poop and didnt want to use bathroom, then we  used a diaper and showed her where that poo went instead of garbage.  We were lucky she never pooed in her panties except for when she was sick.

Shaei
by Member on Jul. 1, 2013 at 9:26 PM

Thank you for the advice.  I've thought for a while that we needed to involve her pediatrician because she's a smart girl but developmentally seems to be about a year to a year and a half behind where her peers are.  She just seems to have no interest in being a big girl.  She prefers to be carried (I don't still do that), she won't use a fork or spoon, still has a fit over her pacifier.  I think that a lot of it is ineffective parenting or coddling too much so I've been cutting back on what others have called spoiling her.  She's my only child and it just seems natural to do whatever I need to go do to get through the day and make her happy.  It just seems like I'm holding her back in some ways.  She still cries at drop off although she's been going to daycare for almost 2 years (2 different centers), she doesn't seem to want to do anything I ask her to do like say her name or tell me her age but her teachers at school can get her to do it.  I really do feel that I'm the one who isn't effectively teaching her but the problem is....I don't know how to help her when she seems to not want my help.


I know I'm rambling so I'll stop.  I want to help her but the more I try to more she pulls away from me.  Because I work she has to go to daycare and I don't want to spend what few hours we have in the evening arguing with her or engaging in a battle of wills.  I'll definitely check with her pediatrician and see what he says.  


Quoting frndlyfn:

Talk to her doctor and perhaps look into a one on one childcare solution rather than the group setting.  You are not supposed to use any punishments for accidents since that could cause them to have more.   DD was a late trainer and due to that she was not able to go to any formal preschool.   She was trained fine by kindergarten with quite a few months to spare.   For us we made it all about her choice.  If she had to poop and didnt want to use bathroom, then we  used a diaper and showed her where that poo went instead of garbage.  We were lucky she never pooed in her panties except for when she was sick.



frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Jul. 1, 2013 at 10:42 PM

Yes  I know that feeling.  I was lucky that when dad came out to visit he really helped encourage her independence on things and if i started hovering or doing too much he would scold me LOL.  With the different delays she gets help at school for them and this coming fall she will be in 2nd grade.  Each year brings new challenges on how to be a good parent w/o hovering or being too involved.

DoubleK9
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 7:17 AM
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I'm reading your post and knodding because I'm going through it too. My daughter doesn't do the smearing of the poop like yours, but she does refuse to go poop in the potty claiming "it's too hard". We decided to bribe her by saying "if you poop in the potty every night you can pick the treat on Saturday". She usually picks ice cream. And then we keep reminding her.

One red flag I saw when you write your post though is the speech delay combined with the pacifier. Does your child need Occupafional and Speech Therapy? There may be another issue there such as a sensory issue. She could have a sensory issue to touch and that's why she smears the poop. (She also could be doing it for attention.) My daughter does have a sensory issue and that's why she hates to poop in the potty (the toilet flushing is too loud for her) so if she goes I tell her I'll flush for her.
Shaei
by Member on Jul. 2, 2013 at 3:59 PM

I'm going to give her pediatrician a call to ask him about sensory issues (thank you for asking about it).  I'm sure that there's something going on but I don't know what it is.  Even with normal toddler stubborn-ness it seems like there's more at work with her.  


She doesn't have any issues with loud flushing.  She actually likes to flush but just won't poop on the potty.  We've tried a regular toilet with a kid sized seat (she likes climbing up there but won't go there) and we've also tried a potty chair for her.  She just seems resistant to this part of potty training and I'm not sure of why.  Thank you for suggesting looking into sensory issues though.  I'll give her doctor a call and see what he thinks given this behavior.  She's also a super picky eater so I've wondered if it's all related before.


Quoting DoubleK9:

I'm reading your post and knodding because I'm going through it too. My daughter doesn't do the smearing of the poop like yours, but she does refuse to go poop in the potty claiming "it's too hard". We decided to bribe her by saying "if you poop in the potty every night you can pick the treat on Saturday". She usually picks ice cream. And then we keep reminding her.

One red flag I saw when you write your post though is the speech delay combined with the pacifier. Does your child need Occupafional and Speech Therapy? There may be another issue there such as a sensory issue. She could have a sensory issue to touch and that's why she smears the poop. (She also could be doing it for attention.) My daughter does have a sensory issue and that's why she hates to poop in the potty (the toilet flushing is too loud for her) so if she goes I tell her I'll flush for her.



iamcafemom83
by Mariah on Jul. 2, 2013 at 4:29 PM
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Dont feel bad! You'll get this:)

If I may, I would suggest getting rid of the paci now. If she has it in her mouth, she will not communicate well with you. We loved thr binky, too , but at this point, it is goong to hinder instead of help. Just toss them cold turkey. She will be not happy for a couple days, but I promise you, she will quickly.move on.

As far as the potty training goes, I would go back to every 30 minites on the pot. Whenever they regressed, I went back to this and it helped bring awarness back about the potty.

If you dont already, have her help you pick out undies with her favorite characters....tell her "xxx doesnt like to have poopoo on them, can you make it to the potty?" And if she doesnt, just keep trying until she keeps them clean :)

I would also ditch the pull ups asap. They will prolong toilet training. Keep her in undies or naked instead.
And sorry, but avoid soanking if she has accidents....just clean up while you out her back on the pot.
Jist remember.....one day at a time. It will be messy. You can do this!
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