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Expectant teenage mom..Advice?

Posted by on Jul. 4, 2013 at 1:50 PM
  • 45 Replies

My name is Rhianna and I am 17. I have just recently found out that my boyfriend and I are pregnant. It was not planned and I was on the pill. Though we didnt use any other method of contraception as we expected we would be okay with only the pill. Which obviously wasnt the case as I ended up pregnant. So far my boyfriend and my family have been very supportive in my decision to keep the baby. Though my boyfriends family havent been as understanding. His mom wants him to move with his dad who lives 2 hours away from me so he can go to college. Which means, for 5 days of the week I will be alone with a newborn baby. I'm feeling very trapped and confused about everything and this certainly doesnt help. I do believe both my boyfriends, and my education shouldnt be disrupted because of a pregnancy, though I dont understand why he has to leave me and his child to go to school when he can stay in the area and own up to OUR responsibility. I'm reaching out to see about any advice anyone of you may have for me, and I'm looking to meet others that are or have been in my situation for support and adice.

Thank you,

Rhianna


by on Jul. 4, 2013 at 1:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Katalina650
by on Jul. 4, 2013 at 2:41 PM

You can move with him....

Mom2Just1
by Mom2boys on Jul. 4, 2013 at 2:55 PM
Why not move with him?
bamababe1975
by Gold Member on Jul. 4, 2013 at 3:03 PM

Maybe the two of you could get a place together near his dad where he can go to school but you're still together?



MentorMom1
by on Jul. 4, 2013 at 3:19 PM
5 moms liked this

Rhianna, First of all, I know you are probably confused, excited, experiencing a host of emotions. In regard to your boyfriend going to college: It will be his responsibility to support the child, and hopefully support you as well, until the child reaches adulthood.  

If your young man is truly mature, he will marry you. A child needs a mom and a dad. He can still continue with his plans to support his family. One option you might consider is perhaps taking the longer route to a degree. You could get married, get an apartment in his college town, and both work, you full-time, him part-time, to support yourselves. He can take out college loans.

 It's hard to do it all with a baby.  You will qualify for various services for low-income folks. Apply for foodstamps, WIC - apply for everything.  It can work. But not without sacrifice. Having his family's support will certainly help. They need to know you're not running against their desires.

Having a family-supporting career should be the goal of any man who has a wife and kids. It's up to you to understand that  and support that decision. Without an education, without career planning, a trade, etc., your chances of having a comfortable life diminish dramatically. You don't want that. You want to be able to be proud of him and his ability to care for you in the way he needs to care for you, doing what he's good at and interested in.

So look at this through a long lens. What happens for the next few years will be short-lived compared with the rest of your lives. So help him get his degree. Do all you can. Put a smile on your face and get behind him. 

Seventeen is very young. And I imagine you would rather not be in this situation. If you are not able to face your boyfriend going to college due to your fears, lonliness, insecurity, jealousy, etc. maybe you're not ready to be a wife and mom. You can always talk to an adoption couselor - no commitment necessary just to have a conversation. Think about open adoption. It's always an option. Everything is going to be OK. Meanwhile, don't stress. Stress is very bad for unborn babies. Eat well. Be calm and happy.

If you insist on him staying there with you, when he and his parents had planned on college, you wil be fighting an uphill battle. No one will be happy. Better to gain their appreciation. Don't forget that you're having their grandchild. The four years he's in college will fly by. You might not think so now, but believe me, they will. Your attitude will make all the difference.






MentorMom1
by on Jul. 4, 2013 at 3:50 PM
2 moms liked this

I forgot to mention - DH and I had our first baby when DH was still in college.  We got married at ages 22 and 21 - he's a year younger. He had to had to take a few semesters off here and there to work. When I got pregnant at age 24 I was teaching school. I quit my job before the baby came to stay home. We lived on his student loans. No savings. No family support. Not ever WIC or food stamps. I cooked from scratch. No meals out. No pre-packaged fast food. All that would have cost too much money. 

DH tended bar  on weekend nights and had a work-study job at college. He finally graduated when our son was nine-months old. I got my OB care throught the county health clinic.

We had an old clunky car. A used couch we bought for $75. A rocking chair some friends gave us for a baby present, and bookshelves made of cinderblocks and boards. The nursery had a crib and chest of drawers from a garage sale. And we were very, very happy. 

Without his college degree he could not have gotten the jobs he did over the years. He would not have qualified. 

atlmom2
by Platinum Member on Jul. 4, 2013 at 5:40 PM
If you want a prayer of having money later he needs to go to college.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
jojo_star
by Jojo on Jul. 4, 2013 at 7:05 PM

Ok, please explain why he should support her? I get supporting the baby, but she's a capable young woman with plans to go to college, why should he support her? Especially after the child is in school. And why does he need to marry her, just because they had a child? If they want to, great, but marrying just because they had an unexpected pregnancy as teenager? Marrying because of a baby, at any age, is stupid and just sets everyone, including the baby, up for a a few years of misery while the parents try to stay together despite being incompatible in the long run. 


And OP, you do have other options. Depending on how far along  you are, abortion may still be an option, and adoption is an option, though I don't know how either one of those work in the UK. Whatever you decide, both about the baby and school, I wish you all the best!

Quoting MentorMom1:

Rhianna, First of all, I know you are probably confused, excited, experiencing a host of emotions. In regard to your boyfriend going to college: It will be his responsibility to support the child, and hopefully support you as well, until the child reaches adulthood.  

If your young man is truly mature, he will marry you. A child needs a mom and a dad. He can still continue with his plans to support his family. One option you might consider is perhaps taking the longer route to a degree. You could get married, get an apartment in his college town, and both work, you full-time, him part-time, to support yourselves. He can take out college loans.

 It's hard to do it all with a baby.  You will qualify for various services for low-income folks. Apply for foodstamps, WIC - apply for everything.  It can work. But not without sacrifice. Having his family's support will certainly help. They need to know you're not running against their desires.

Having a family-supporting career should be the goal of any man who has a wife and kids. It's up to you to understand that  and support that decision. Without an education, without career planning, a trade, etc., your chances of having a comfortable life diminish dramatically. You don't want that. You want to be able to be proud of him and his ability to care for you in the way he needs to care for you, doing what he's good at and interested in.

So look at this through a long lens. What happens for the next few years will be short-lived compared with the rest of your lives. So help him get his degree. Do all you can. Put a smile on your face and get behind him. 

Seventeen is very young. And I imagine you would rather not be in this situation. If you are not able to face your boyfriend going to college due to your fears, lonliness, insecurity, jealousy, etc. maybe you're not ready to be a wife and mom. You can always talk to an adoption couselor - no commitment necessary just to have a conversation. Think about open adoption. It's always an option. Everything is going to be OK. Meanwhile, don't stress. Stress is very bad for unborn babies. Eat well. Be calm and happy.

If you insist on him staying there with you, when he and his parents had planned on college, you wil be fighting an uphill battle. No one will be happy. Better to gain their appreciation. Don't forget that you're having their grandchild. The four years he's in college will fly by. You might not think so now, but believe me, they will. Your attitude will make all the difference.







Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Jul. 4, 2013 at 7:35 PM

I am mom to 2 college age boys, I can easily understand why your boyfriends parents aren't wanting him to give up his dream of going to college where he planned to. He needs to get that degree in order to pay child support for the baby's future. He is NOT obligated to do more than that. I certainly HOPE that he will step up and be a father but he may not. You are 17, you will do a ton of changing in the next several years, don't rush into marriage.

MentorMom1
by on Jul. 4, 2013 at 8:17 PM
1 mom liked this

Excuse me, but I believe she said he was her boyfriend. In that case, love may have something to do with it. I was fortunate enough to have a husband who believed it was his job to support his wife, so that I could care for our children.

If she doesn't love him, or vice versa, that's quite a different matter. 

I do believe children would be much better off if they could be nurtured by parents who love one another and who want them. Ideally, marriage offers such a caring arrangement. 

In addition, I find the business of kids having sex with no thought as to whether or not they can handle the responsibility of a child to be rather ridiculous. They shouldn't be having sex to begin with. It's isn't a right, know what I mean? 

Quoting jojo_star:

Ok, please explain why he should support her? I get supporting the baby, but she's a capable young woman with plans to go to college, why should he support her? Especially after the child is in school. And why does he need to marry her, just because they had a child? If they want to, great, but marrying just because they had an unexpected pregnancy as teenager? Marrying because of a baby, at any age, is stupid and just sets everyone, including the baby, up for a a few years of misery while the parents try to stay together despite being incompatible in the long run. 


And OP, you do have other options. Depending on how far along  you are, abortion may still be an option, and adoption is an option, though I don't know how either one of those work in the UK. Whatever you decide, both about the baby and school, I wish you all the best!

Quoting MentorMom1:

Rhianna, First of all, I know you are probably confused, excited, experiencing a host of emotions. In regard to your boyfriend going to college: It will be his responsibility to support the child, and hopefully support you as well, until the child reaches adulthood.  

If your young man is truly mature, he will marry you. A child needs a mom and a dad. He can still continue with his plans to support his family. One option you might consider is perhaps taking the longer route to a degree. You could get married, get an apartment in his college town, and both work, you full-time, him part-time, to support yourselves. He can take out college loans.

 It's hard to do it all with a baby.  You will qualify for various services for low-income folks. Apply for foodstamps, WIC - apply for everything.  It can work. But not without sacrifice. Having his family's support will certainly help. They need to know you're not running against their desires.

Having a family-supporting career should be the goal of any man who has a wife and kids. It's up to you to understand that  and support that decision. Without an education, without career planning, a trade, etc., your chances of having a comfortable life diminish dramatically. You don't want that. You want to be able to be proud of him and his ability to care for you in the way he needs to care for you, doing what he's good at and interested in.

So look at this through a long lens. What happens for the next few years will be short-lived compared with the rest of your lives. So help him get his degree. Do all you can. Put a smile on your face and get behind him. 

Seventeen is very young. And I imagine you would rather not be in this situation. If you are not able to face your boyfriend going to college due to your fears, lonliness, insecurity, jealousy, etc. maybe you're not ready to be a wife and mom. You can always talk to an adoption couselor - no commitment necessary just to have a conversation. Think about open adoption. It's always an option. Everything is going to be OK. Meanwhile, don't stress. Stress is very bad for unborn babies. Eat well. Be calm and happy.

If you insist on him staying there with you, when he and his parents had planned on college, you wil be fighting an uphill battle. No one will be happy. Better to gain their appreciation. Don't forget that you're having their grandchild. The four years he's in college will fly by. You might not think so now, but believe me, they will. Your attitude will make all the difference.









jojo_star
by Jojo on Jul. 4, 2013 at 8:32 PM
Uh huh. An unexpected teen pregnancy is just always all about love and a perfect setup for a long and happy marriage. If they love each other and don't just have a child, that is one thing, but you made it sound like marriage is a must, just because of the baby. Marriage is also no guarantee of loving parents. And, you can have loving parents without them being married. Having a husband who can support you is great. She doesn't have a husband, she is not his responsibility, and any smart and responsible woman is also capable of supporting not just herself, but her child/ren.
Since when is sex not a right? It's a normal human function. It isn't smart to have a child as a child, but you can have sex without getting pregnant.


Quoting MentorMom1:

Excuse me, but I believe she said he was her boyfriend. In that case, love may have something to do with it. I was fortunate enough to have a husband who believed it was his job to support his wife, so that I could care for our children.

If she doesn't love him, or vice versa, that's quite a different matter. 

I do believe children would be much better off if they could be nurtured by parents who love one another and who want them. Ideally, marriage offers such a caring arrangement. 

In addition, I find the business of kids having sex with no thought as to whether or not they can handle the responsibility of a child to be rather ridiculous. They shouldn't be having sex to begin with. It's isn't a right, know what I mean? 


Quoting jojo_star:

Ok, please explain why he should support her? I get supporting the baby, but she's a capable young woman with plans to go to college, why should he support her? Especially after the child is in school. And why does he need to marry her, just because they had a child? If they want to, great, but marrying just because they had an unexpected pregnancy as teenager? Marrying because of a baby, at any age, is stupid and just sets everyone, including the baby, up for a a few years of misery while the parents try to stay together despite being incompatible in the long run. 


And OP, you do have other options. Depending on how far along  you are, abortion may still be an option, and adoption is an option, though I don't know how either one of those work in the UK. Whatever you decide, both about the baby and school, I wish you all the best!

Quoting MentorMom1:

Rhianna, First of all, I know you are probably confused, excited, experiencing a host of emotions. In regard to your boyfriend going to college: It will be his responsibility to support the child, and hopefully support you as well, until the child reaches adulthood.  

If your young man is truly mature, he will marry you. A child needs a mom and a dad. He can still continue with his plans to support his family. One option you might consider is perhaps taking the longer route to a degree. You could get married, get an apartment in his college town, and both work, you full-time, him part-time, to support yourselves. He can take out college loans.

 It's hard to do it all with a baby.  You will qualify for various services for low-income folks. Apply for foodstamps, WIC - apply for everything.  It can work. But not without sacrifice. Having his family's support will certainly help. They need to know you're not running against their desires.

Having a family-supporting career should be the goal of any man who has a wife and kids. It's up to you to understand that  and support that decision. Without an education, without career planning, a trade, etc., your chances of having a comfortable life diminish dramatically. You don't want that. You want to be able to be proud of him and his ability to care for you in the way he needs to care for you, doing what he's good at and interested in.

So look at this through a long lens. What happens for the next few years will be short-lived compared with the rest of your lives. So help him get his degree. Do all you can. Put a smile on your face and get behind him. 

Seventeen is very young. And I imagine you would rather not be in this situation. If you are not able to face your boyfriend going to college due to your fears, lonliness, insecurity, jealousy, etc. maybe you're not ready to be a wife and mom. You can always talk to an adoption couselor - no commitment necessary just to have a conversation. Think about open adoption. It's always an option. Everything is going to be OK. Meanwhile, don't stress. Stress is very bad for unborn babies. Eat well. Be calm and happy.

If you insist on him staying there with you, when he and his parents had planned on college, you wil be fighting an uphill battle. No one will be happy. Better to gain their appreciation. Don't forget that you're having their grandchild. The four years he's in college will fly by. You might not think so now, but believe me, they will. Your attitude will make all the difference.










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