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Need advice. At a road block.

Posted by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:50 PM
  • 7 Replies

My name is Kaycee and I am the mother of a 3 year old boy. 

I just recently started dating this wonderful guy a little over 2 months ago. Things are going great! Couldn't be more in love with him. Anyway...he has an 8 year old daughter. Her and my son get a long great! Already acting like siblings :) the only issue that we're having is with his daughter. She's having a hard time with sharing her dad's affection with me. She's wanting more attention then she has ever wanted from him before. I talked to him about it and asked if he was spending less time with her and he said no. Everything's the same except now I'm in the picture. So instead of him just sitting on the couch watching a movie and her in her room doing her thing, I'm out there on the couch too and she feels left out. We include her in everything and try to make sure she doesn't feel left out. But she's super clingy, more so than she ever has been before. She cries about everything. Things she's never cried about before. She'll ask for a juice box and he'll tell her no and she just has this break down. Or she'll want to play with him and he's just not in the mood or exhausted from working all day and he'll tell her not right now and she runs to her room bawling. I don't know what to do. I feel like this is all my fault. That the loving, awesome relationship they had before is crumbling and I'm the reason for it. His daughter says she just wants to spend time with him. That's basically what it comes down to. He'll talk with her and when it gets down to it, she just wants to spend more time with him. He tells her that he isn't spending less time, she's just wanting more. And she realizes she's being ridiculous sometimes and over exaggerating things. She just doesn't know how to cope with it. 

I guess I should also mention that my boyfriend has been divorced for 6 years. And that I'm his first serious relationship since. His ex-wife is barely in the picture which is part of the issue too. His daughter misses her mom. But mom doesn't seem to care a whole lot. See's her maybe once a month. She's also engaged to some other guy and has 2 kids with him. I think its hard for her to see me with my son. He always has his mom. But he also doesn't have his dad. She doesn't understand that though. 

I should also mentiong that she's bee wanting him to have a girlfriend for awhile. That this is something she has wanted for him.

I guess I'm asking for advice on how to deal with this. More so not on my part. More so on my boyfriends part. He can't take the crying and clingyness anymore and he's starting to stress out about it. He's at a loss on how to deal with it. I need help!!

by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:50 PM
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Replies (1-7):
SewingMamaLele
by Bronze Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:55 PM
I think they need to begin going to counseling together to work through these issues. She's having a lot of conflicting feelings and she's not old enough to understand them, let alone deal with them.
CorpCityGrl
by Bronze Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:57 PM

I feel like there isn't much you can do but your bf needs to talk to her.  Maybe the two of them going to counseling together may help.  This would be a good way for her to talk out her feelings in a non-threatening environment with an unbiased person and allow them to work through it together.  It's clear that she is jealous because she feels like she may be losing her father to you and it's not the case.  She's at an age where she may have all these feelings but don't know how to deal with it all. 

krudell
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:57 PM

My boyfriend had actually mentioned that last night. He doesn't want this to be traumatizing for her.

jackiewal10
by Gold Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 2:02 PM

Well, tired or not, he NEEDS to play with her.  My DH is the same.  Works 55+ hour weeks.  There are days he doesn't even get to see the kids, but really...how much energy does it take to play a game??  From reading this, it does sound like he puts her off more than he might have a year or so ago.

Also, I think you need to talk to him about taking his DD out for father/daughter time.  Breakfast on a Saturday or a movie or something.  Or maybe you should go hang out in a different part of the house while the two of them watch a movie together.  You don't ALWAYS have to be there, ya know.

krudell
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 2:07 PM

I'm not always there. I watch her for him a couple times a week when he's at work since I'm off for the summer. And I take my son to my parents house a couple times a week as well. I run errands and babysit. So I'm not always there and they have time together when I'm not there. And I make an effort to go to the store or something and take my son with me so they have time together as well. I was gone for a week in Cali and the day I came over after getting back, it was the same thing. I just don't know what to do...I've told him to have a day where they just do something and he's been doing it. It's just not enough for her.

SpiritedMom2
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 2:16 PM
1 mom liked this

I feel for you and for your bf but mostly for the little girl. My 20 year old step daughter went through a trauma when I got married to my dh - so I can imagine how traumatizing it must be for her. This is completely normal part of the whole cycle - so Im not worried about it - but yes , she and all of you definitely need help. What she needs is very very simple- and Im talking from experience - she needs  a WHOLE lot of love, she needs to feel safe , she needs reassurance that she is loved and that her dad is not going to leave her for you. There is a LOT you can do to help her - and what you do is going to be the key in the whole thing. You need to spend time with her, be extra nice to her, take her out for alone time together (if you can leave your son with a baby sitter or friend for an hour or so a week) - take her shopping, take her to the park, spend time with her doing nothing, or just building a relationship with her, reassure her that you are not going to take your dad away but that you have come to provide additional loving and caring for her. Also build her relationship with your son - take them both for outings together. But dont overwhelm her with your presence and your love - approach her sideways (as the Prince did with the Fox in the book "The little Prince")

If you keep up the love, sooner or later shes going to start viewing you a friend, not a threat. Taking her to a therapist might make her feel theres something wrong with her. I wouldnt recommend it unless her behavior is disturbing or violent. From your post - I feel its just a normal little girl who's going through a phase where she fears her dad might be taken away from her and she feels unsafe and un-loved. Its an irrational fear but its normal - shes just a child. Give her time and love and gentleness - she will be ok.

kaybreezii
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 2:39 PM
1 mom liked this

I was this kid with my dad. My mom was very involved in my life, but my dad not so much, he was there but not.. if you get what I mean.. So when I was around him, I'd do the same things. I know it's a completely different situation, but I was that jealous little girl. She will eventually, as she becomes more comfortable with you, be okay. Try getting closer to her, making her feel good and let her know that you guys can be friends too.

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