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How To Deal With My DD

Posted by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 12:58 AM
  • 14 Replies

My son is 5 weeks old


My Daughter will be four on August 13th



Lately, I think she's feeling some jealousy.  I have been so tired lately. My husband works for a juvenile placement facility and if he has a 3 day work week he's there for 3 days, if he has a 5 day work week, he's there for 5 days (doesn't come home each night).  My husband went to work on Thursday of last week, and will be home Thursday of this week.


Everytime I correct my daughter she yells at me that she hates me, wants a new mom, that I have no time for her, she wants to move without the rest of her family. I keep telling her that I love her, that it makes me sad to hear those things because she's so special to me. 

But I don't feel like I'm doing enough.  I'm just struggling to keep up with everything.  Trying to keep the house orderly, keep up with the laundry, tend to the newborn, and take care of my daughter.  We don't play games like we use to.  We sit and snuggle, but i'm so tired, and the last two days with these outbursts from her i've been so overwhelmed.

I know she loves her brother.  He responds to her voice before he responds to mine. He adores her.


But how do i deal with the attitude and the outbursts?

 I feel alone and isolated, and i'm starting to feel overwhelmed.

I love both my children, but I'm afraid the time it takes to care for an infant is causing me to lose my daughter.



by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 12:58 AM
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Replies (1-10):
frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 1:41 AM

What household tasks does she have to help out as well as show her abilities as a big sister?  Is there anyone else who could perhaps take her out for a big sister day or come into your home to help out with household tasks so you can take the time to play a game or read a book with her.  It is a balancing act for sure and you need to remember to take care of yourself as well.

atlmom2
by Ruby Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:19 AM
You need to discipline her. Let her know being jealous is ok, but bad behavior will not be tolerated. While your son sleeps do fun things with her. While he eats read to your 4 year old.
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idunno1234
by Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 11:00 AM
1 mom liked this

She needs mommy time with no baby in sight or earshot.  But she needs a fully engaged mommy, not a tired mommy and admittedly that's tough with a new baby.

  If you are overwhelmed, you need to figure out a way to get some relief from the baby, both for you and for your daughter.  If post partum is a possibility, you owe it to yourself and your kids to get help.

First, take a break for yourself to recharge, even if its only 10, 15 minutes.  Try meditation, yoga, eating healthy, staying hydrated and clearing your mind of stress whenever you can. 

I get your husband's schedule is tough but if he can't offer you the relief you need to take the time for both yourself and also yourself and your daughter, is there no friend, relative...nobody?  I feel so bad for women with no support system.    I sure wish you lived near me because I desperately need a baby fix- my baby is 12!

Remain patient and loving with your daughter- what an awful adjustment it can be to have a newcomer coming in and taking all of your mom's time and energy, the same mom who you didn't have to share just a short time ago.  Let her know that she doesn't need to use hurtful words to express her sadness and anger, that you understand how she feels but that doesn't give her the right to be hurtful.  You can let her know that you depend on her to help by being his big sister.  If she doesn't want to help, that's understandable too and I wouldn't push her.

 Let the house go a bit- that is the lowest thing on the priority list.  Laundry is easy if you don't worry about the folding and putting away part until you regain your energy. 

Your daughter is reacting in a totally normal and expected manner.  I never trust the parents who say that their previously only child is now ecstatic with the new baby.  If that's the case, that's great but the scenario for most kids is as you describe- an understandably tough adjustment for a child who didn't have to share you for the first almost 4 years of her life.

 Feel free to plug in any ipod type device, some headphones, tune her out for a while if she's ranting and when she's done, show her you're ready to hear her.  That saved my life and probably my kids at times when they were little.  Actually, even still now, lol.

 This gets easier, he's still so new and you are all still adjusting and you are apparently having to do it all by yourself.  Give yourself some credit.  Slow down, take deep breaths and realize that all you need to do is keep these two little beings alive and loved.  Everything else is secondary.

momof11995
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 11:07 AM

why not involve her with helping you with the baby? and why not spend some time with her by herself when the baby is sleeping? I know ts hard when you have more than one kid some jealousy will come out but it helps to involve her with the baby!

Retrokitty
by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 1:22 PM
This exactly. You need to create a new schedule so she gets some well needed family time.
Do you baby wear? Wrap baby up and go to the park.
Its okay to let the house a bit so your kids are taken care of. Once baby isn't so new it will be easier.


Quoting idunno1234:

She needs mommy time with no baby in sight or earshot.  But she needs a fully engaged mommy, not a tired mommy and admittedly that's tough with a new baby.


  If you are overwhelmed, you need to figure out a way to get some relief from the baby, both for you and for your daughter.  If post partum is a possibility, you owe it to yourself and your kids to get help.


First, take a break for yourself to recharge, even if its only 10, 15 minutes.  Try meditation, yoga, eating healthy, staying hydrated and clearing your mind of stress whenever you can. 


I get your husband's schedule is tough but if he can't offer you the relief you need to take the time for both yourself and also yourself and your daughter, is there no friend, relative...nobody?  I feel so bad for women with no support system.    I sure wish you lived near me because I desperately need a baby fix- my baby is 12!


Remain patient and loving with your daughter- what an awful adjustment it can be to have a newcomer coming in and taking all of your mom's time and energy, the same mom who you didn't have to share just a short time ago.  Let her know that she doesn't need to use hurtful words to express her sadness and anger, that you understand how she feels but that doesn't give her the right to be hurtful.  You can let her know that you depend on her to help by being his big sister.  If she doesn't want to help, that's understandable too and I wouldn't push her.


 Let the house go a bit- that is the lowest thing on the priority list.  Laundry is easy if you don't worry about the folding and putting away part until you regain your energy. 


Your daughter is reacting in a totally normal and expected manner.  I never trust the parents who say that their previously only child is now ecstatic with the new baby.  If that's the case, that's great but the scenario for most kids is as you describe- an understandably tough adjustment for a child who didn't have to share you for the first almost 4 years of her life.


 Feel free to plug in any ipod type device, some headphones, tune her out for a while if she's ranting and when she's done, show her you're ready to hear her.  That saved my life and probably my kids at times when they were little.  Actually, even still now, lol.


 This gets easier, he's still so new and you are all still adjusting and you are apparently having to do it all by yourself.  Give yourself some credit.  Slow down, take deep breaths and realize that all you need to do is keep these two little beings alive and loved.  Everything else is secondary.

kirbymom
by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 3:05 PM
I echo this advice.
Plus, if I were to add any of my own, it would be to tell you that you really do not need to spend most of the 24 hours of the day with your sweet pea. He wil be just fine. We moms get it into our heads that we are harming our kids if we don't spend the majority of the 24 hours with our newest baby. When I was in your place, I would put my newborn in their seat and in front of me while I sat with the older child(ren) and spent some quality time with them. I even had them help out with the new baby so that they felt like they were being the big, responsible sibling. If you cook, plan a meal or two that are based on what your daughter chooses as that will help her feel like all of your attention isn't being torn away from her. Make it a surprise. Do little odd surprises like this a few times a week and this should help some. No matter what, always keep trying. Even when you feel like giving up. It isn't easy but, it is well worth the rewards when you do finally start to find your center and gain some progress in learning how to get everything dealt with and in perspective. You CAN do this. If you need to vent, just message me anytime. I've been there x'a 7. lol Good Luck Sweety. :$


Quoting idunno1234:

She needs mommy time with no baby in sight or earshot.  But she needs a fully engaged mommy, not a tired mommy and admittedly that's tough with a new baby.


  If you are overwhelmed, you need to figure out a way to get some relief from the baby, both for you and for your daughter.  If post partum is a possibility, you owe it to yourself and your kids to get help.


First, take a break for yourself to recharge, even if its only 10, 15 minutes.  Try meditation, yoga, eating healthy, staying hydrated and clearing your mind of stress whenever you can. 


I get your husband's schedule is tough but if he can't offer you the relief you need to take the time for both yourself and also yourself and your daughter, is there no friend, relative...nobody?  I feel so bad for women with no support system.    I sure wish you lived near me because I desperately need a baby fix- my baby is 12!


Remain patient and loving with your daughter- what an awful adjustment it can be to have a newcomer coming in and taking all of your mom's time and energy, the same mom who you didn't have to share just a short time ago.  Let her know that she doesn't need to use hurtful words to express her sadness and anger, that you understand how she feels but that doesn't give her the right to be hurtful.  You can let her know that you depend on her to help by being his big sister.  If she doesn't want to help, that's understandable too and I wouldn't push her.


 Let the house go a bit- that is the lowest thing on the priority list.  Laundry is easy if you don't worry about the folding and putting away part until you regain your energy. 


Your daughter is reacting in a totally normal and expected manner.  I never trust the parents who say that their previously only child is now ecstatic with the new baby.  If that's the case, that's great but the scenario for most kids is as you describe- an understandably tough adjustment for a child who didn't have to share you for the first almost 4 years of her life.


 Feel free to plug in any ipod type device, some headphones, tune her out for a while if she's ranting and when she's done, show her you're ready to hear her.  That saved my life and probably my kids at times when they were little.  Actually, even still now, lol.


 This gets easier, he's still so new and you are all still adjusting and you are apparently having to do it all by yourself.  Give yourself some credit.  Slow down, take deep breaths and realize that all you need to do is keep these two little beings alive and loved.  Everything else is secondary.

coupon_ash_back
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 3:08 PM
Woah, she says that at 3? I agree with pp,def. time with just her is needed
Marimaru
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 3:16 PM

I've started taking my 3 year old on dates, just the two of us, or just her and her daddy.  She seems to like those.

rhiannon0207
by Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 3:28 PM

I do a lot of that stuff,  actually with my husband off at work she picks the meals most of the time...tonight it a little different because I've had far to many hotdogs in the past few days, she's getting chicken, carrots and rice.

She loves helping out with him, though she finds feeding him boring. We do things together, trips to the library, reading books together, crafts (not as many trips to the park as i'd like because it's either been too hot to be outside or it's been raining.)

I would like to do something her and myself, but it's not really a possibility.  When my husbands not home i normally don't even get to shower until the middle of the night.  When my son wakes up aroun 3 or 4 am for his feeding i often take my shower then and go back to bed.  I don't have time to myself and I don't have time where it can just be my daughter and myself.

She has had many changes in the past year.  My husband is technically her step dad but he's the only dad she's known.  She was a year old when I met him.  I grew up around here, but right before she turned a year old we moved to Louisiana.  My father and his side of the family are down there.  We moved back last june from Louisiana to Pennsylvania for me to marry my husband (my father in law was my highschool english teacher). June of this year my son came along.  So in the past year we've left what she's always known (north and south are different cultures), and gained two new people to our household.

This is the first change she hasn't just taken in stride...

la_bella_vita
by Gold Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 3:44 PM

 I would make sure to keep her involved as much as possible and remind her she is a big sister. My kid's loved when I would call them big brother or big sister. It must work because none of my children ever acted jealous. I would ask them to grab blankets, diapers or ask them things like is the baby asleep? Make sure to carve out some alone time as well.

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