I'm no expert but I want to say SOMETHING to make you feel validated or better. Totally makes sense that you wouldn't want him to be around her. It's hard enough that he cheated and having a child with her brings on a whole new level of hurts... so I'm so sorry! Take the time to heal and I recommend therapy for you ALL! No one wants to hurt an innocent baby, but in order to salvage your marriage and protect you, and your children, definetly lay down some unbreakable rules - like not allowing him to have contact with the mother unless you are present (e-mail?) and setting up visitations once the baby is old enough or when it's agreed upon in a location where they are never alone. You may have to have some kind of relationship with this person ... hopefully she's another nice girl who screwed up and feels bad for what has happened. Wishing you peace from God mama. :(
I can't imagine how hard this is on you! My heart goes out to you.
I think it's important for you to stop letting him call the shots. Right now he's pouring salt in your wounds by being by HER side the same way he would be if they were together. I don't think he should be thinking about her and their baby right now. Not if he wants to salvage his marriage. I agree with pp that you need to lay down some rules that he cannot break--"deal-breakers" I call them. Things that if he doesn't abide by, you will file for divorce. Otherwise, he (and she) are going to do whatever they want as far as seeing each other under the cover of "visitation". He's already shown you he is capable of infidelity. Now he has to show you he is capable of putting YOUR needs first and right now you need reassurance. You need to feel like you and the kids are his #1 priority and NOTHING will come between you ever again. You can't feel that when he's constantly "going to see his baby".
Have the two of you talked about what you're going to tell your kids about this new sibling? How you're going to handle the questions? This is what people don't think about when they screw araound like this..what it does to the kids.
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this and I think it's admirable that you're trying to salvage your marriage. I just hope it's not at the cost of your emotional stability. I think it can be done but it's much harder than anyone thinks--especially with a baby that will have to be sacrificed for both financially and emotionally and who is a constant reminder of what he did. As someone who is dealing with $1300 a month in cs for my husbands children from his first marriage, I can tell you that when you have to worry about how you're going to pay for a new furnace and meanwhile she is taking that $1300 and partying with it or bragging about her new home with her 27x15 master bedroom....well it's tough to swallow. That's just one more thing he signed you up for with his infidelity.
I don't know you and I can't tell you what is right for you. I can only tell you what I think as it would apply to me. I think right now you're scared and hurt and panicky because you have 3 kids and feel like you're not equipped to deal with single parenthood. You love the man you married but can't see how he kept an entire side of him secret from you--his ability to disregard your feelings and cheat on you. I think the loss of your dreams with this man is crippling you and possibly blinding you to some very harsh truths. Don't allow yourself to be destroyed by this man (or anyone!). You deserve much better than what you're getting right now and it's high time you demand something from him other than that he just stick around. Counseling is just the start--you need to set the rules and if he doesn't like it, tell him he can try paying child support on 4 kids and alimony. Tell him he needs to win back your trust before he's going to be back in your heart again and stick to that. You need to be able to call him WHENEVER you feel like it and he better answer! If he doesn't, he better call back within 5 minutes or be unconscious in the hospital. Right now you need to take back your self respect and self esteem. You're the boss until he proves to your satisfaction that he is trustworthy. All contact between him and this woman needs to be open to you--phone calls should be on speaker, emails should be to an account that you have ready access to, texts should be shown to you, etc. They've proven already they cannot be trusted to act morally so they will be treated like the sneaky teenagers they're acting like. Right now, he OWES you. Time for him to pay up. And if he doesn't like your terms,-like I said- he can like paying alimony and child support on 4 kids. Don't allow him to treat you like a doormat...you deserve better!
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. You're in my prayers, sweetie. ♥HUGS♥
Oh hunny, (((BIG HUGS))) Mine cheated a lot!!! Luckily no babies resulted. I absolutly would not have stayed if so. I still haven't really forgiven him for everything else, don't think I'd forgive at all. But we all handle situations differently. I wish you the very best of luck. You are one strong woman to stick with him.
i be ya friend. n u can talk to me anytime hun...
I am so sorry you are going through this...You are a very strong unselfish woman to be able to stay and still love your husband after all of this. I wish you the best and I hope you can find happiness once again. Don't be too hard on yourself for any negative feelings you are having or any decision you might make. Just know that whatever you do in the future it is the right thing to do.
Only CafeMom members can vote on polls. Click here to login or register.
Connect with CafeMom:
Switch to Mobile Site
Getting Started Guide
Frequently Asked Questions
Part of the CafeMom family
© 2014 CMI Marketing, Inc. All rights reserved.