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in need of a friend and advice

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I need a friend to talk to someone who is not judgemental I'm going through a lot and its very hard I'm depressed and have no one please help
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 8:26 PM
Replies (11-20):
TigerMomLove
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 10:53 PM

I'm no expert but I want to say SOMETHING to make you feel validated or better. Totally makes sense that you wouldn't want him to be around her. It's hard enough that he cheated and having a child  with her brings on a whole new level of hurts... so I'm so sorry! Take the time to heal and I recommend therapy for you ALL! No one wants to hurt an innocent baby, but in order to salvage your marriage and protect you, and your children, definetly lay down some unbreakable rules - like not allowing him to have contact with the mother unless you are present (e-mail?) and setting up visitations once the baby is old enough or when it's agreed upon in a location where they are never alone. You may have to have some kind of relationship with this person ... hopefully she's another nice girl who screwed up and feels bad for what has happened.  Wishing you peace from God mama. :(

guinnmom3
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 8:37 AM
Thank u its hard bc my husband is to nice he distant want to sound mean to get but didn't realize what it does to me instead i have no idea how I'm going to get through this I don't want to have to"share" my husband and I don't want my kids to have to share their dad eitheri don't blame the baby at all I no its not that kids fault
guinnmom3
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 9:15 AM
This is so hard for me I haven't talked to my husband since 730 last night and it want much of a conversation Imiss him and I'm horrified he dosnt want to b with us now that the other baby is here so depressed and don't want to get out of bed but since I hav boys I have to I can't b strong anymore I've been trying to b strong since I found out and now that the baby here it much harder
DaniandTom
by Bronze Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 10:07 AM
1 mom liked this

I can't imagine how hard this is on you! My heart goes out to you. 

I think it's important for you to stop letting him call the shots. Right now he's pouring salt in your wounds by being by HER side the same way he would be if they were together. I don't think he should be thinking about her and their baby right now. Not if he wants to salvage his marriage. I agree with pp that you need to lay down some rules that he cannot break--"deal-breakers" I call them. Things that if he doesn't abide by, you will file for divorce. Otherwise, he (and she) are going to do whatever they want as far as seeing each other under the cover of "visitation". He's already shown you he is capable of infidelity. Now he has to show you he is capable of putting YOUR needs first and right now you need reassurance. You need to feel like you and the kids are his #1 priority and NOTHING will come between you ever again. You can't feel that when he's constantly "going to see his baby". 

Have the two of you talked about what you're going to tell your kids about this new sibling? How you're going to handle the questions? This is what people don't think about when they screw araound like this..what it does to the kids. 

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this and I think it's admirable that you're trying to salvage your marriage. I just hope it's not at the cost of your emotional stability. I think it can be done but it's much harder than anyone thinks--especially with a baby that will have to be sacrificed for both financially and emotionally and who is a constant reminder of what he did. As someone who is dealing with $1300 a month in cs for my husbands children from his first marriage, I can tell you that when you have to worry about how you're going to pay for a new furnace and meanwhile she is taking that $1300 and partying with it or bragging about her new home with her 27x15 master bedroom....well it's tough to swallow. That's just one more thing he signed you up for with his infidelity. 

I don't know you and I can't tell you what is right for you. I can only tell you what I think as it would apply to me. I think right now you're scared and hurt and panicky because you have 3 kids and feel like you're not equipped to deal with single parenthood. You love the man you married but can't see how he kept an entire side of him secret from you--his ability to disregard your feelings and cheat on you. I think the loss of your dreams with this man is crippling you and possibly blinding you to some very harsh truths. Don't allow yourself to be destroyed by this man (or anyone!). You deserve much better than what you're getting right now and it's high time you demand something from him other than that he just stick around. Counseling is just the start--you need to set the rules and if he doesn't like it, tell him he can try paying child support on 4 kids and alimony. Tell him he needs to win back your trust before he's going to be back in your heart again and stick to that. You need to be able to call him WHENEVER you feel like it and he better answer! If he doesn't, he better call back within 5 minutes or be unconscious in the hospital.  Right now you need to take back your self respect and self esteem. You're the boss until he proves to your satisfaction that he is trustworthy. All contact between him and this woman needs to be open to you--phone calls should be on speaker, emails should be to an account that you have ready access to, texts should be shown to you, etc. They've proven already they cannot be trusted to act morally so they will be treated like the sneaky teenagers they're acting like. Right now, he OWES you. Time for him to pay up. And if he doesn't like your terms,-like I said- he can like paying alimony and child support on 4 kids. Don't allow him to treat you like a doormat...you deserve better! 

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. You're in my prayers, sweetie. ♥HUGS♥

Saharra
by Bronze Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 10:13 AM
I'm praying for you today! For peace that only God can give. Sometimes it is really hard when we go through the dark valleys in life to know that it will work out. Maybe not how we think it will, but in some ways, if we hand it over to God, He will hold out hands and walk us through it. The Bible says-"When I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil. For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. (Psalms 23:4 ISR98)". To me, this means no matter what I go through, good or bad, I'm not alone. I don't have to be afraid of what ahead, because He already sees it and knows how it will work. (And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 ESV)) So, He can see the BIG picture while we just get a scene at a time. Just like a movie, this scene will pass and we get to go to the next one :) But, if you are able to hand it over to Him, it will have a good ending. I can promise that with confidence! Don't hang onto it and let it eat you. Hand it over to God and let Him deal with it... Praying for you
AmaliaD
by Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 10:59 AM
When he gets home I would be setting one thing straight, he was good to go for the birth of his kid and he will always owe his kid his attention but as far as the woman goes, she's second fiddle, and of her needs wants, whatnot don't matter anymore, she get CS, he gets to visit the kid, and not hurting Or being mean to u must come as first priority for a very long time. U are a very strong person,i couldn't handle that.
coreynlala
by Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 11:08 AM

Oh hunny, (((BIG HUGS))) Mine cheated a lot!!! Luckily no babies resulted. I absolutly would not have stayed if so. I still haven't really forgiven him for everything else, don't think I'd forgive at all. But we all handle situations differently. I wish you the very best of luck. You are one strong woman to stick with him. 

yorkiemaz
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 11:15 AM

i be ya friend. n u can talk to me anytime hun...

guinnmom3
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 11:27 AM
I don't know what to do he won't talk to me I have been texing him all day and when he finally text back he said hello now shut up I don't want to leave but maybe I have to I can't put my kids through this
ss_mom_of_four
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 11:49 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this...You are a very strong unselfish woman to be able to stay and still love your husband after all of this. I wish you the best and I hope you can find happiness once again. Don't be too hard on yourself for any negative feelings you are having or any decision you might make. Just know that whatever you do in the future it is the right thing to do. 

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