Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Advice for Moms Advice for Moms

Mommy hit a breaking point.... :/

Posted by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 2:35 AM
  • 30 Replies

This is NOT a simple situation, and if it was it would already have been done... but i couldnt imagine :/

My 3yrdd's dad and i are NOT together havent been since she was 3 months old, well i met this guy just before she turned a yr and that summer July 4,2011 DD was with her dad watching fire works, DH(now) and i were out to a peaceful dinner, and my phone vibrates, its HER dad.... OMG its the 4th is she ok..... is went through my mind......i picked it up and the text read "I am taking you to court for full custody(insert DD's name)" andi flipped.... he only did this because he found out DH and i were getting married and he didnt want him to adopt her. so as the months pass we fight through our lawers. it came down to HIM putting this in HIS statement, No less than 3days a week, 351.00 CS, and for me to have Sole Full Physical Custody and him Joint Legal.....i agreed i was ok with that, she needs her dad... ALL GIRLS NEED A DAD. and i grew up without mine,and i hate him for it! everything had been going GREAT until a few months ago he fell behind on CS so we agreed upon ORS, so we did. Then he got hurt at work he was out 3 weeks, went back got hurt again and has been out since about mid dec, hes supposedly on their disability thing right now. well he missed her 4th of july parade for a meeting with his work, he told me it went great and he would be back to work the end of next week. well since about early june he has talked to me seriously 3-4 times (over the phone) i have seen him ONCE!!! No he doesnt come and pick her up HIS wife does. she asked last night for dad to come pick her up so i said i would tell them, found out he was fishing all night (he does this every sunday and has for the past idk month i think) and so he doesnt come get her monday... he then text me at 130 today and said that he was hurting too bad to come and get her, and so i told him how heart broken she was and that all she wants is him to come get her on HIS days and thats all she has asked for,for a few weeks... well not even five mins later did i get a knock on my door, and it was his wife to get her, i like her shes a good mom (Has one of her own and one on the way) well the convo escaladed (i did NOT whatsoever bring up CS) he said he was dealing with mental and physical things right now and etc etc and then said he wasnt going back to work due to his unjury  and blah blah blah, so i said well u need to call ORS to  tell them u will make payments so he doesnt lose his license and he said hes sick of people only using him as a paycheck and that i made him feel like a POS and that it makes him angery that i told him how his daughter feels and that i make him feel worse etc etc.... i dont want to take her from him thats not fair he is a good dad and she loves him a lot and yeah DH loves her like his own (we have one together) and she knows that but she needs HER dad..... idk what to do i just wannt climb under a rock and not come out, all my point to him was HE needs to come get her cause it kills me to see the look on her face when he doesnt and the disapointment in her voice and those teary eyes... :/ i know that feeling. it sucks my poor baby girl :/ 

My Crazy Khaotic Upside Down Loveable World! <3
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 2:35 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 3:06 AM

How is there 2 different custodies set up?  I am confused on that.  And he wants you to pay child support towards the child you have physical custody of?  I would personally find a lawyer of my own to find out what can be legally done so that my child is not short changed anymore than she is.   If he is truely in pain, I can understand him not wanting to drive but he should be at least in car to pick her up.  If work knows about the fishing then any claims he has made could be voided as in he is not hurt too bad to fish so he can still work.

mousesmommy5610
by Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 4:55 AM
No no. The custody is sole full physical with joint legal.... He has ONLY joint legal. He pays cs not me. And if I turned him.for all the shit I KNOW he's doing behind works back he would lose everything and sadly so would I. :/ my lawyer is now a distric judge in my county for family court. So I can't use him lol although he'd rule in my favor, I'm not looking to take dd away from him. I want him to realize he isn't just being an ignorant ass to me but my girl as well. And that's all I ask is him to BE there for help sakes I can take her to the car and buckle her in.... He doesn't even need to get out, just call and say he's here..... But he thinks im bitching cause of cs and that's not what this is about. An I can't drop her off to him or she throws a screaming crying sobbing unbelievable fit that I'm leaving her..... So he has to.come get her. And that's all my.point to him was. Is she is now old enough.to realize he's not there....she gets upset and teary and says she doeant waNt to go cause he isn't picking her up. Mama is and she hatea that. She loves her mama but hates when she picks her up. and I don't blaMeh her one bit..... :/ so lost
Ihatelaundry
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 5:15 AM
3 moms liked this

  Your situation teaches a very important lesson when it comes to a split family. It will drive you crazy if you cant accept the fact the your ex is going to do things you have no control over. He is responsible for HIS actions and you should not try to hard to interfere. Yes it's awful to watch your child's heart break when something her dad was suppose to do falls through. And of course you can express your concern but making a big deal out of it won't change his mind. The child WILL NOT blame you. In fact the kiddo will absolutely understand that dad dropped the ball. I don't remember how old your kiddo is but at a young age they understand more than we think. 

   My family is like yours. My husband has two kids from his ex and I have one from mine. My son also has a half brother from his dads now wife. With all of these parents trying to do what they think is best ends up causing issues. Some of which I had a problem with and I expressed my concern and offered a different idea but his dad kept with his plan and my seven year old knows it was dads decision. 

   Comfort your child when parental disappointments happen and always try to make it positive. Maybe you can convince the wife to make a card or draw a pic for your child she can give to her when she picks her up or visa vera, that way the kiddo has something fun to look forward to. I think any little extra something would work like a new car game to play every week or something. 

Good luck. I understand your frustration you are not alone, not in the least. ;)

mousesmommy5610
by Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 5:30 AM
Thank you, and most times idc who comes to get her cause dropping her off at their house is a nono she throws this huge fit like I'm never coming back. It's heart breaking and I know sm cany handle it with her screaming an 11mo AMD being 8 months pregnant.... But HE has a responsibility to his daughter even he was in the. Car idc. And idc what heck does on his time all my dd asks of him is five mins. He doesn't work but he finds time to fish all night, ya she has told.me she doesn't like when he can go fishing but not pick her up. And I try to explain to her that its not her fault that dad gets busy but maybe next week he will and that when u come home I will snuggle and love u aNd watch a movie but that doesn't help.... I don't get it but whatever, I think if it continues I will enforce my court custody agreement stating that no third party can pick up or drop off period or I can keep her until he comes and technically since ima sahm if he's gone more than four hrs on his days I can go pick her up. It's in the papers. And I've bent over backward for them. I've helped them I've done a lot and my dd poor girl gets the short stick!!! It's sickening to think its so easy for him to spend all his time else other than with his daughter.... But I know I can't change that and it never will an I know she knows its his choice and not mine that he does these things.... I might just have to become a bitch again and be strict again with him.... Blah thanks I know I'm not alone but I sure feel that way.... Ha but what do u do other than fantasis about the mofia killing them off and dropping them in the camima desert????

Quoting Ihatelaundry:

  Your situation teaches a very important lesson when it comes to a split family. It will drive you crazy if you cant accept the fact the your ex is going to do things you have no control over. He is responsible for HIS actions and you should not try to hard to interfere. Yes it's awful to watch your child's heart break when something her dad was suppose to do falls through. And of course you can express your concern but making a big deal out of it won't change his mind. The child WILL NOT blame you. In fact the kiddo will absolutely understand that dad dropped the ball. I don't remember how old your kiddo is but at a young age they understand more than we think. 

   My family is like yours. My husband has two kids from his ex and I have one from mine. My son also has a half brother from his dads now wife. With all of these parents trying to do what they think is best ends up causing issues. Some of which I had a problem with and I expressed my concern and offered a different idea but his dad kept with his plan and my seven year old knows it was dads decision. 

   Comfort your child when parental disappointments happen and always try to make it positive. Maybe you can convince the wife to make a card or draw a pic for your child she can give to her when she picks her up or visa vera, that way the kiddo has something fun to look forward to. I think any little extra something would work like a new car game to play every week or something. 

Good luck. I understand your frustration you are not alone, not in the least. ;)

anxiousschk
by Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 9:29 AM

1.)  I don't understand that he took you to court b/c he didn't want your DH to adopt your kid.  Just b/c you're married doesn't mean adoption and he (your ex) would have to sign off on any adoption.

2.)  What's ORS?  

3.)  I'm a little confused.  What license would he lose by not making payments? 

4.)  Her seeing him and him paying CS are two different things.



EarlGrayHot
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 11:07 AM

He's got it all wrong.  He's letting his daughter down and trying to put the blame on you.  You are not taking advantage of him-HE is obligated to pay for his child. ANd if he can fish then he can get his ass up and come to pick up his daughter.  Enforce it.   I wondered what ORS is as well.

WatchmansMoon
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 12:28 PM

I feel for you.  It must be heart-breaking to see your daughter so sad on a weekly basis.  She's made it clear what's important to her, and it's not an unreasonable request on her part (dad picking her up himself.)  You're doing your best, but as others have said, you can't blame yourself for his poor decisions.  There's a paragraph titled "Encourage the discussion of feelings" in the article "Successful Co-Parenting" (http://bit.ly/17eEmsc) that you may find helpful.  At this point, the best you may be able to do is help your daughter work through her feelings of disappointment.  Do you think that you're carrying over some of your own pain and anger that you felt against your own dad?  Is that possibly affecting how you communicate with your daughter?  HUGS to you and your little one.

LindaClement
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 12:30 PM

All you can do is help your daughter handle what happens to her in life. That is the limit to your control over the universe, I'm sad to say.

You can't control him, but trying is what is making you crazy. It's not that he's unreliable that's making your (or dd) crazy, it's that you want him to be other than he is and for him to make the choices YOU prefer. If he were ever going to do that (or be that guy) you'd still be together.

The first rule of broken families is: you get to co-parent with the guy you left. If he was a stellar and fantastic, upstanding dude, you wouldn't be sharing custody with him, you'd be with him. Which, becuase he isn't, you're not. So, it's a bit silly to complain about how he's STILL not, how he's STILL the same jerk you didn't want to be with 3mo into the whole mess ... why would he be anything else?

I get that it would be super-convenient to you if he were otherwise, but what's in it for him to please you?

littlepinkrose
by Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 12:42 PM

Have you tried talking to the Dads wife?  Does she know that daughter does not like being picked up by her that she want's her dad?  I would try and see if they could find a time to  sit down with you and your husband and if all four of you could work out a solution that works best for the child.  If the wife is as nice as you say then I am sure she would be open to this the thing is to convince the dad.

Decemberlov
by Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 12:50 PM

I say choose your battles. Is it really all that important who picks her up for the car ride to dads? I would let it go.....there are people in much worse situations.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)