Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Advice for Moms Advice for Moms

Manipulation from teens

Posted by on Aug. 14, 2013 at 7:45 PM
  • 13 Replies

What is the best way to deal with my SS manipulating? I have heard communication, but there is no communicating with this teen child. My husband and I have a strong bond, and when I bring up things that are going on, he agrees, yet then seems to fall for it every time, even when it involves pushing me out of the circle. Any parents been here, done that, suggestions?!

by on Aug. 14, 2013 at 7:45 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
-42-
by Bronze Member on Aug. 14, 2013 at 7:46 PM
You two need to be a team or it will never stop. As long as dad ends up falling for it, it's working.

Have a serious sit down with your husband.
strictmomhere
by Platinum Member on Aug. 14, 2013 at 7:48 PM
My step daughter tried this my hubby saw what she was doing and put a stop to it:)
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
lkrayne
by on Aug. 14, 2013 at 7:57 PM

We have had several sit downs and talked about it...I think it just catches him off guard and he falls for it every time. Then when I bring it up, he notices it then. But its too late. His son knows what his dad has always wanted to hear, so when he says things, his dad gets so excited just to get that opportunity and goes right with it. *Eye roll* and i stand back and watch it all unfold to another disappointing time. We have talked, but the more I try to tell him, the more I wonder if I really am the problem or if I am the one trying to stand between them. But in all honesty I want my husband happy, and he is happy one minute and heart broken the next b/c of this teen that I believe is really trying to stand between us, and manipulate his dad to believing I am the bad guy.

Bmat
by Barb on Aug. 14, 2013 at 8:17 PM

It sounds as though you and he need counseling.

funhappymom
by Bronze Member on Aug. 15, 2013 at 10:38 AM

I'm sorry, I don't have any experience with step children. I think you and your husband have to be united in things though or it will continue. It's also very possible that your husband doesn't see it like you do. Have you talked about it?


lkrayne
by on Aug. 15, 2013 at 4:10 PM

He does not see it. When I do bring it up he will notice it and agree. But will then say, but now he wants to do this...or that, and it is what I have been asking him to do with me for the past 5 yrs, or 2yrs or all summer and he hasnt wanted to, and now he does, so I feel bad telling him no now. So it is good for a day hearing that, then the SS says he doesn't want to, or wont do it, or wont do what we ask of him, and then his dad is mad again. Its constant.


Quoting funhappymom:

I'm sorry, I don't have any experience with step children. I think you and your husband have to be united in things though or it will continue. It's also very possible that your husband doesn't see it like you do. Have you talked about it?



 

butzi
by Member on Aug. 15, 2013 at 4:20 PM

My daughter got really offended one time when I called her on her manipulative behavior, in front of her therapist. I explained it to her like this. "I am not judginging you, merely pointing out a fact. In the preschool world we talk about how children deal with "manipulatives" what we are talking about is that the children learn to move objects around, in order to make them work in any given situation. You have seemingly not moved out of this stage. At some point you had sucess trying to move the peoples behavior and expectations, in order to make your life work. People who have developed more appropriately, understand that they need to use their own behavior and expectations to make their lives work. " Manipulation is a maladaptive skill and new appropriate skills have to be taught to replace it. Her therapist said that was the best explanation she had ever heard.

HopeAlive
by on Aug. 15, 2013 at 4:57 PM

I'm really sorry... I can hear your frustration. In what ways is your SS manipulating?

a_and_j_momma
by Gold Member on Aug. 15, 2013 at 7:01 PM
What are some examples?
lkrayne
by on Aug. 16, 2013 at 7:20 AM

Quoting HopeAlive:

I'm really sorry... I can hear your frustration. In what ways is your SS manipulating?


There are a few examples that happened recently: -He came over on Wednesday, after a weekend where he was told to work, refused to do anything, and knows that I am very upset. His dad for YEARS has asked him to go play golf, go to a movie, go hiking/hunting/fishing, everything! the SS comes running in, his usual attitude is "Higher than thou" "Im too smart for you" (these are personalities his own father says) and yet runs in and says "Dad! Dad! I want to spend your off time with you, lets go play golf! Can you call in on Friday and come play with me, then this weekend lets play, I want to spend my time with you, we never have any time together!" This child has not played golf since he was 7, he is asked very other weekend what he wants to do, where he wants to go, eat...we plan the weekend around him, and instead of enjoying, or trying to have fun he is cynical and rude. But now that I am upset, he runs to his dad, and tries to get on his side. His dad did call off today to go golfing "It is what I have wanted to hear for the past 8yrs, I have always wanted to have a relationship, so I don't want to say no" -Sunday we asked him to go fishing and spend the day on the boat, go to breakfast, lunch....well he refused. So we said ok lets change up plans. His dad came again to him and said we are just going to go for breakfast, we would like you to come too, and then I would like to go play golf with you. SS said no, I don't want to. So we went to breakfast and we had to hurry home RIGHT AWAY! no bonding time for us! We got home around 11a, SS wasn't home. Here he called his grandparents. "They told me they do not want to spend the day with me, they are going out fishing and told me I was not invited", So they took him out shopping, lunch, breakfast, dinner. -Sat when asked to work-sweep, clean litter box, windex storm doors. He called his mom saying the only reason he is here is to work, that he doesn't like me, and we never do anything fun. So his mom then calls his grandparents, and his grandparents come over to "talk". His is given options, suggestions and asked to offer suggestions for activities. We work full time, run a farm, so sat or sun we try to catch up, and the other day is 100% dedicated to fun. Well they came and picked him up...he went to their house and spend the day on the computer.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)