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Need advice

Posted by on Aug. 16, 2013 at 11:05 PM
  • 6 Replies

This is my first time in a chat room but i figure hey what could it hurt lol

I have been with my boyfriend for a 1 and a half i have a 7 yr old daughter from a previous relationship the father shruggingisn't safe to be around my child. This is my first relationship in seven 51/2 years so i am trying to balance boyfriend time and daughter time, although he knows that she is my number one priority. He loves her i can tell that he does, he buys her birthday presents and he watches her here and there. My little issue is that she will want to cuddle with him on the couch or she will want his attention and affection and recently he said he feels smothered he isn't use to it. I can understand that but he has been around for the past year and a half and he said he would work on it. I guess I'm worried that he wont be able to love her as much as i do, she needs that affection shes soooo lovable. How can i make them bond and him not feel so smothered and is it bad that i want him to be more involved even though he isn't her father? lol

Am I horrible???

by on Aug. 16, 2013 at 11:05 PM
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by on Aug. 16, 2013 at 11:21 PM
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You are not horrible but you need to understand that it will take him time to adjust to her to, specially if he has no kids of his own.My DD is 8 and she's very affectionate with everyone not just her father and I.So maybe you should try to give him some space and time after all is better for her too incase it didnt work out with you 2:)Good Luck!!

by Platinum Member on Aug. 16, 2013 at 11:21 PM
1 mom liked this

This is a forum so welcome (not a chat room).  I think the two need to find a compromise that both are comfortable with.  Perhaps one movie night a week or a month that unlimited cuddles are allowed.  He has stepped into that role whether he likes it or not.  He is the male she sees all the time so he is becoming or has become her father figure.   You can also try board games as a bonding thing for them so that she isnt right on top of him yet still has his attention.    

A little girl i watched during the school year never saw her own father so she started calling my guy daddy since he was the consistent male figure in her life.  She could get real close to him and give lots of hugs.  Humans need alot of tactile stimulation to help them grow into healthy adults.

by on Aug. 16, 2013 at 11:25 PM

Thanks guys. She understands that her "father" isnt in he life and he has said that its up to her if she wants to call him dad he would be okay with it but it is a little weird and man relationships are hard lol

by Silver Member on Aug. 17, 2013 at 3:34 PM

Is there a male relative (uncle, grandfather, etc) that can be involved in your daughter's life as well so that she has an extra person to project some of her attention and love onto?  

I would never force a boyfriend or potential step dad to be more involved than he is ready to be.  It's not fair to either of them to do that.

by on Aug. 17, 2013 at 3:36 PM

Maybe talk to your daughter about having boundaries and how everyone needs them.

by Kathleen on Aug. 17, 2013 at 3:51 PM

Welcome to CafeMom and the Advice for Moms Group! 

It can be tough for everybody to adjust and even though a year and a half seems like a long time, it still is relatively new in terms of figuring it all out.  Does he live with you?  If he doesn't then I would just talk to her about boundries and how sometimes people want to cuddle and sometimes people don't want to and to be respectful of that.  If he does live with you then I think it either needs to be that he is all in or all out.  It is too hard on kids to have parental figures come and go from their lives and homes so either he needs to fully be a father and be part of it all or maybe living together isn't right yet until he is sure this is what he wants. 

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