Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Why does it hurt so much? Was I in the wrong?

Posted by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 6:27 AM
  • 32 Replies

So... I met this girl about 5 years ago, at a mutual friend's birthday party. (Keep in mind, I live in a very small town, everyone knows everyone & their business.)

Her & I hit it off right away... I've never "clicked" like this with another female. (EVER.)

We got along great, I considered her my best friend.  I cared about her & her children very much.

Well, as the years went by, she started revealing things to not only myself, but other mutual friends (including my sister) about her marriage.
Her now ex-husband was very abusive, physically, mentally, & emotionally.  

One day, after an attempt to leave her husband & going back to him, I confided in a mutual friend, (whom already knew the whole story) that I was extremely concerned for her & her children. 

She told us both a story about her ex grabbing her by her hair & repeatedly slamming her head into a desk while she was holding their daughter (who was about 2 at the time)  I was genuinely concerned for her & her children, I was afraid one day I would wake up, to find out she was dead & he killed her.

This is someone I loved, I cared about.

Well... apparently this mutual "friend" told some co-workers what I said, and it got back to the friend.

She got upset & although I never had a chance to speak with her myself, I heard things she said through my sister & She was PISSED because in her mind I was "gossiping" about her situation, & that she hated me.

I can't get this woman off my mind.... she has since left her ex-husband for good & has been dating a really great guy.  
I want so badly to re-gain our friendship.  But I feel like I destroyed any chance of that happening....

I saw her comment on a mutual friends' post, and I instantly broke down in tears. 

I miss her.  I miss her girls.  I miss the fun we had, the laughs we shared, the songs she played on guitar  & I sung for her..... I just miss her.
I sent her a message & told her I was sorry for the mis-understanding, & the fact we never had a chance to talk it out..... that I never intended to hurt her, & that I miss her very much.....

There is a feeling I can't get past, that she will not respond.   I don't know what I can say or do at this point for her to hear me out.  I didn't mean to hurt her, I didn't mean to "gossip", I was honestly concerned for her & her children, and the only reason I spoke of it, is because the friend already knew the whole story.....

Should I just let it go?  Should I fight for our friendship?  Was I wrong to speak about her situation?

I don't know how to fix this... or if I even can....

Any insight?  I'm a horrible sad mess right now.

by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 6:27 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 7:21 AM
4 moms liked this

Aw. I wish I had a good friend like you. I haven't since I was in high school. I think you should try again. It's human nature to talk things that are bothering us out with someone and while you obviously picked the wrong person to confide your fear in, you TRIED to do the right thing and not tell someone that didn't already know about it. I'd make sure to let her know you've learned a hard lesson and she would never have to worry about you talking like that again.

by Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 7:29 AM
4 moms liked this

Awwwww if she was ever a friend and she's worth your love, she will hear you out and forgive you!

by Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 8:07 AM
2 moms liked this

I would send her a letter (not FB or email). Explain what you did and why. Apologize. Ask if you can't find a way to make it up to her. Tell her you miss her.

Give her time to make her decision.

Good luck.

by Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 8:48 AM
3 moms liked this

You can write her a letter or call her, if you can get her number.  

If you call, ask her to meet somewhere so you can talk with her.  

When you meet with her, you need to apologize for ever discussing her situation with someone else.  You were truly concerned for her, but it simply wasn't your place to talk about her situation.  Period.  End of story.  

When you talk to her, don't fill it with "I was wrong, BUT" statements.  You shouldn't have talked about her and betrayed her confidence. 

If I were her, I'd bristle at "misunderstanding."   

by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 9:19 AM
3 moms liked this
Hun, you've already done all that you can do. You apologized and you were sincere. I hope she accepts and you can mend that friendship.
by Silver Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 9:24 AM
4 moms liked this
All relationships have to be two sided. If she doesn't want to discuss the situation and move forward there is nothing more that you can do.

I had a very similar situation happen 15 years ago. We parted ways. About 3 years ago we reconnected over Facebook and went out for dinner once... We have only connected one other time.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 11:09 AM
idk if my story will help you at all.. but I went thru sorta the same thing.. She was a neighbor across the street and we hit it off immediately. became really close. My bf and her husband became good friends too and we were constantly having dinner at each others houses. When my daughter was born she babysat for me. When I broke up with my bf, she let me stay at her house until I moved to my moms. The weekend after I left, she stopped talking to me.. I asked her what was up and she started accusing me of trying to fuck her husband and that I didn't do anything around the house to help out and said that I didn't pay her what I owed for babysitting. None of it was true.. I have no idea where it came from. apparently her husband told her I tried to fuck him so I know where that came from. but yeah.. I've tried talking to her.. I've tried being nice.. Apologized and tried to tell what really happened.. but she doesn't listen. It's over for us. As long as you have tried to communicate with her, and done your best, then idk what else to suggest. Eventually maybe she will think about it and maybe she will reach out to you too.
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 11:13 AM
1 mom liked this

Sometimes when people are in a bad situation, they lash out at people they care about. It's easier to lash out at you than at him. Now that they're divorced, she may have become so attached to her anger toward you that she has forgotten what a good friend you were to her. Write her a letter and pour your heart out just like you did here. Tell her how heartbroken you are that the friendship that meant so much to you, is gone. Explain how you feel so bad about hurting her and wish you could go back and change the past. Then it's in her hands. It may take her a while to reach out to you and she may not ever, but you'll at least have some peace of mind knowing that you have done everything you could. I hope she comes around and realizes that a good friend is hard to find. ♥Hugs♥

by Kathleen on Sep. 2, 2013 at 12:47 PM
1 mom liked this

That is tough.  I would say though that if you already sent the message saying you missed her and wanted to talk it out then it is in her court now.  If she responds wonderful and maybe you can work it out but if she doesn't respond I think you will have to let it go because if you keep pushing then chances are you will only make things worse. 

by Bronze Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 12:52 PM
1 mom liked this

Try taking to her in person.  Call her, see if she'll meet you. Some stuff is too important for a text or a FB message. If she will talk do you, do not be defensive, just explain that you talked because you were so worried for her, but that you won't do it again.  If she won't talk in person, try a letter. Good luck...she needs you right now. 

And yes, IMHO you were in the wrong. Even though you were motivated by the right reasons, what she told you in confidence is now "office gossip" and that is a break in trust.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)