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Single mom needs advise about step moms

Posted by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 11:11 PM
  • 23 Replies

I'm a single mother of 2 boys ages 7 & 9. The kids father just got married in June to the women he's been with since a few months after our split. It's been about 4 years now since the split. So she's grown with the boys and loves them like her own which I am very thankful for. But, lately since the marriage especially, I am feeling like her attitude has changed and is now trying to one up me as a mother. My oldest has come home telling me he has over heard Step mom talking about me to her friends, she always posting stuff on Facebook about being a mother (she doesn't have her own children) she volunteers at the school on the PFO. I feel like on one hand I should be grateful because it could be worse, but as a child I had a step mom that would never do to my mother what this woman is doing to me as the birth mother. I'm so lost, and hurt, can't talk to the ex because he defends her, can't talk to her because she's the type that will post everything on fb and say I'm just being jealous... I don't know how to handle this. As the women who gave birth to these children, I honestly feel like she has no right to be so involved as she's trying to be. Be a step mom, that's fine, but know your boundaries and know that I will always be there one and only mother. How can I fix this without causing drama in our triangle. As the parents, we actually have a nice working relationship that has no drama, besides this.... I'm curious how other step moms act, and how other birth moms would handle this 

by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 11:11 PM
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Replies (1-10):
frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 11:17 PM

What exactly is she doing to make you feel less?  Women typically talk about each other anyhow and then add the stress of being a step parent it can bring out more insecurities.  If she doesnt have her own she could be feeling the green eyed monster so she will downplay that by being catty towards a woman who has 2 wonderful boys.

I am a step mom but to adult children my guy has.  Open communication is what makes everyone have a positive working relationship between us all.

Tckosdk.2012
by Bronze Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 11:18 PM

I'm a step-mom to a 12 yr old girl. I've been in her life since she was 6. I agree that your kids step-mom is over stepping her boundaries. This is a hard situation because as a mother I would be livid to hear someone talking about me & posting stuff on FB. That is also somthing I would never do as a step-mom. I always try to put my step-daughter before my feelings & I never, never, never talk about her mother when my step-daughter is here. If there is ever an issue I talk to my dh in private. I really think you need to talk to the step-mom. I understand how hard it is though. Mabey talk to the ladies in the step-parent group. They might be able to give you more insight. Good luck hun.

a_and_j_momma
by Platinum Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 11:37 PM
I am not understanding what she is doing to one up you. Can you explain?

Tyncjsmama
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 11:49 PM

Oh thanks, I guess I didn't search enough on the site to know there's a step parenting forum.

For instance, what triggered ssomething the other day that my oldest over heard was his step mom picking them up from school, she went to one of their teachers and told her that I'm taking the kids on vacation in December, so SHE would like to make sure to get the kids school work because she doesn't think I'll ask for it. Another, fortunately we live in the same apartment complex, which helps with the kids, my oldest dropped by his dads today on his way to his friends for 10 min. So she posted on fb something about loving when the kids stop by just to tell her they miss her and love her even though they're supposed to be with their mom. It's just stuff to make others think she's amazing at being a parent. Constantly referring to the kids as HER kids. And I would talk to her about this, but up until recently we've had a really good relationship, but the other week she crossed the line and I went off on my ex about something she did, so since then she has been ignoring my texts about the kids and doesn't even acknowledge me when she sees me. I guess all this has gotten worse since I told her off about another subject. I think I'm just lost on how to address this subject without sounding like I'm being jealous of "what she has and I don't" which is completely NOT the case. I don't know how to bring this up :( 

Tyncjsmama
by on Sep. 3, 2013 at 12:01 AM

I know im probably not describing the situation very well because its a lot to put into words without taking up too much of everyone's time to read. I just feel as a hard working mother, I feel like my right to be called their MOTHER is trying to be taken away by someone who wants to be perceived as "step mom of the year". It hurts me a lot 

Pincher
by on Sep. 3, 2013 at 12:51 AM
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Unless she starts trying to turn your kids against you - I would just ignore her. I would make sure teachers know that she can't make decisions about the kids as far as school goes. Your kids know who mom is. Let her make a fool of herself. I'd block her on FB so you don't see what she's posting and she can't see what you're posting (but don't unfriendly her as that wold just cause more drama). She's jealous of you, and trying to make waves. Just ignore her!

jlm425
by on Sep. 3, 2013 at 2:09 AM
Sorry mama that would be frustrating. I agree with this...


Quoting Pincher:

Unless she starts trying to turn your kids against you - I would just ignore her. I would make sure teachers know that she can't make decisions about the kids as far as school goes. Your kids know who mom is. Let her make a fool of herself. I'd block her on FB so you don't see what she's posting and she can't see what you're posting (but don't unfriendly her as that wold just cause more drama). She's jealous of you, and trying to make waves. Just ignore her!


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SallyB_LMT
by on Sep. 3, 2013 at 2:27 AM
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What did you tell her off about to begin with?  Could it be that she has an issue with you that she's holding a grudge from the previous incident and is retaliating by trying to piss you off and she knows you'll get irritated by her stepping on your toes?  I would definitely tell the teacher that she is not to be included in any decisions made about the boys' school situation, that is really overstepping.  I would also tell your xdh that she is not to be involved in the school situation either. 

It is not her place, no matter how much she loves your kids, to have any say in how they are educated.  You and your xdh are the only ones with any say and should be the only ones involved with the school, she can come to functions or pick stuff up, but she should not be contacting the teacher on her own say-so or approaching the school to volunteer in their classes as a parent.  I would address this with your xdh and also with the school principal and teachers.

ETA I would be furious if anyone outside my dh and myself was trying to get involved with my kids' schooling.  The ONLY reason someone should do that is when the other parent is absent, dead, or rights terminated permanently.

Bleacheddecay
by on Sep. 3, 2013 at 12:40 PM

It's great that she loves the kids. It's not great that she is talking negatively about you and your kids know it. I highly recommend this book for action stradegies with your kids.

Divorce Poison New and Updated Edition: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing by Dr. Richard A. Warshak

venessaw04
by on Sep. 3, 2013 at 12:58 PM

Being a BM and a SM at the same time I think it is wrong for her to be talking about you infront of in a place the the kids can hear you.  Especially since you are verymuch involved in your kids life.  If you want to do the school activities then do so if you have a problem with her doing them then let it be known to the school.  my sm was a bitch without a doubt to my mom, And it soundlike that is what she is doing.  She wants to be made out that she is now married to your ex and helping to raise your kids but she doesnt understand how you feel because as you said she is not a BM.  My hubby and I raise my SKids Fulltime so it is a different situation for us as i go to confrences and dr appts as well and we have been together for 3 yrs now.  Bm was not there as much as we tried to have her be a part of their life and is not in jail.  The phase will pass with her hopefully sooner or later just keep your head up and know you are doing a great job she just needs to grow up, cause attacing you does nothing but attacking you in front of the kids is just not right no matter what 

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