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Is my husband right?

Posted by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 1:55 PM
  • 9 Replies

My husband was adopted when he was 7. He was adopted into his foster family - they had 1 other biological child, but through the years had about 13 foster kids in and out. My husband is thankful for his parents. He came from a real bad (drug/abuse) family and was lucky to be adopted. But, my husband has always felt like his parents never believed in him and felt like he was always treated differently. A few examples, to name a few - He was responsible for most of the chores, his sister's college was paid for (she ended up dropping out), but he didn't get anything (which is why he joined the military), he had to pay for his cars, she's never paid for one, They always comment about his successes, like it wasn't expected, his mom left her job when his sister got pregnant to care for her kids (she's just always been spoiled). But, even when it comes to our kids, when we go visit, they definitely get attention, but when we aren't there, they never get called, my husband rarely would get calls, if he doesn't call them, they would go a month easy without talking. Sometimes they will get a Christmas present, but no birthday calls or anything. This is the first yr my 11 yr old got a birthday card. FAST FORWARD: His parents had told us for years that they would love for his to move out there. We went back and forth for 2 years about it. Finally we decided we would go, all we asked of them was to stay with them until we could establish ourselves, jobs, house/rental, etc. We had money saved so we weren't really depending on them financially. Well, they told us we had to come in the summer months without committing 100% (my husband is usually off) to see what we could find. Well, we knew with moving to another state it was either all in or all out. We didn't want to be in limbo, plus driving back and forth would cost us more money. In addition, my husband had signed up to work that summer in an effort to save more money to move. Long story short, his parents said summer or not at all. There reason was because they already committed to remodeling their kitchen so they couldn't afford to have us there. This through me completely off because we didn't need support financially AND they had been telling us for years how bad they wanted us to move there. I was really confused. My husband ended up not talking to them for a few months, he was hurt by this. We spent so many hours, days, months, coming to this decision so to have them turn us down after practically begging us to move was like a punch in the stomach. Well, he finally e-mailed his Mom and told her how he felt and how hurt he was and was willing to put the past behind. She told him that he was just being a baby and wallowing. Well, they talked it out and things were getting better, then he started getting messages from his sister scolding him for things (random crap). Well, he got pissed because it seems like she was just trying to stir the pot. He ended up getting into it with his Mom again because she was pretty defensive of his sister - when she was just making crap up. He hasn't talked to them in about 3.5 months but it sucks. I do like his family, I always have. They are great to his sister's kids and I wish my kids had grandparents like that. My husband won't budge though, he said he's tried and isn't willing to do it again. He won't even talk about it with me anymore. He just says "my parent's are dead" (both his biological parents are deceased). It hurts me to hear him say that, but I can see why. My heart breaks. He's an amazing man. He wanted nothing more than to raise our kids where he was raised and be able to help his parents, even with simple things like cutting grass. He has a big heart but feels like they completely shut him out. I just don't know what to do about this situation. Any advice would be helpful. 

by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 1:55 PM
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Replies (1-9):
Babicakes32
by New Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 2:04 PM
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I would say just continue to pray for them and trust me God will move mountains. Sometimes we have to do the right thing regardless of how others are. I know it hurts but even if he don't want too,then as his wife you pray for all of them..good luck and God Bless
JennasMom2
by Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 2:21 PM
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Thanks. I've always been the one to mediate, but the last time I got involved his Mom basically said thanks but no thanks. So, not much more I can do. I only got involved that time because his sister made a comment "how dare I allow my husband to act that way" (because he wasn't talking to his Mom). He's a grown man and will make his own decisions. I tried. 

Quoting Babicakes32:

I would say just continue to pray for them and trust me God will move mountains. Sometimes we have to do the right thing regardless of how others are. I know it hurts but even if he don't want too,then as his wife you pray for all of them..good luck and God Bless


sabrtooth1
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 2:29 PM
Moving without jobs for both of you, and without a place to live, is just stupid. No matter what you say, it looks like you intend to leech. Saying Move closer to us, is not the same as Move in with us.
UpSheRises
by Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 2:38 PM
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My DH has a ver similar kind of relationship with his mom. Other than being adopted a lot of the things you describe are very similar.

It used to really bother me too but i let it go. He doesnt want to put in the time and effort it would take to repair the relatioship and to be honest, i don't think MIL is capable. I'd rather have him spend his time and energy and things that make him feel "whole"...having a relationship with his mom just makes him feel like a jerk.

JennasMom2
by Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 2:40 PM

How would we be leeching? They told us we could stay with them when they asked us to move -  we even offered to pay rent but they said it wasn't necessary. We had enough money saved to support our family for over 6 months. Have you ever looked for a job in another state? Sure, we could have easily found SOMETHING, but not exactly what we needed to support our family. We needed to be there to interview. In today's market- no one is going to sit and wait for the "out-of-towner" to fly in for an interview. 

Quoting sabrtooth1:

Moving without jobs for both of you, and without a place to live, is just stupid. No matter what you say, it looks like you intend to leech. Saying Move closer to us, is not the same as Move in with us.


SpiritedMom2
by Bronze Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 2:41 PM
1 mom liked this

Aww - my heart goes out to the both of you. Your husband sounds like a caring man and having had that childhood, I'm sure he feels abandoned on all counts. Youre doing all that you can honey, doesnt look like there's anything much you can do- except love him as much as you can. if you try to mediate any more - it might make things worse instead of better. I know we all wish for things that we dont have - I wish my kid had g'parents - but my parents live far away - we barely see them once a year - and my dh's parents are no more - but i do talk to him about them all and I know they all do and would have loved him. Kids survive the lack of g'parents and your kids will too - so long as you keep showing them that they are loved. The absence of parents is something that your husband will need to  learn to survive as well - with some external help (cousneling) if you can afford it - and if not, then simply with a whole lot of love from your side. I'm happy he has you in his life - he'll get through it. Re - your financial situation - you will just need to proceed as though his parents are not a factor that could be considered in this situation.

JennasMom2
by Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 2:50 PM
1 mom liked this

Thanks! That lifted my spirits. :) I have stepped back from the situation and I don't really even bring it up to my husband anymore as it just upsets him. My husband does still want to move (maybe not there, but away from here) and we have no issues in doing it on our own. It was just truly disappointing. There is a reason it didn't work out, perhaps it was for the better. 

Quoting SpiritedMom2:


Aww - my heart goes out to the both of you. Your husband sounds like a caring man and having had that childhood, I'm sure he feels abandoned on all counts. Youre doing all that you can honey, doesnt look like there's anything much you can do- except love him as much as you can. if you try to mediate any more - it might make things worse instead of better. I know we all wish for things that we dont have - I wish my kid had g'parents - but my parents live far away - we barely see them once a year - and my dh's parents are no more - but i do talk to him about them all and I know they all do and would have loved him. Kids survive the lack of g'parents and your kids will too - so long as you keep showing them that they are loved. The absence of parents is something that your husband will need to  learn to survive as well - with some external help (cousneling) if you can afford it - and if not, then simply with a whole lot of love from your side. I'm happy he has you in his life - he'll get through it. Re - your financial situation - you will just need to proceed as though his parents are not a factor that could be considered in this situation.


sabrtooth1
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 3:38 PM
1 mom liked this
Quoting JennasMom2:

How would we be leeching?


all we asked of them was to stay with them until we could establish ourselves, jobs, house/rental, etc. This does not sound like they asked you to move in and live with them till WHENEVER.  It sounds like you asked them. 


his parents said summer or not at all.  So they DID offer for you to come, but you threw a fit because it wasn't when YOU wanted to go???


In today's market- no one is going to sit and wait for the "out-of-towner" to fly in for an interview.  Sorry, you are wrong.  ONE year ago, my niece found marketing a job in San Francisco, while living in Chicago.  They told her the day they wanted her to come in for an interview, so she flew herself there.  Unless someone calls and wants you to come interview in an hour, you can get where you need to be within a day.  No one has to "wait" for you. 

One of my daughters found a legal assisting job in Norfolk, Va while living in Chicago, and a couple years later, found a better job back in Chicago while still living in Va.

My SIL-to-be (who grew up in Maryland) was told by his step-father that the family did not have enough money to send three kids to college.  He went into the service when he graduated from HS, for the express purpose of paying for college.  He applied to, was accepted into college, found a job, and a place to live, all in Chicago while still in Iraq, finishing up his tour.  He used his GI benefits, worked part-time, and ran track for his tuition and room and board.  He graduated with a degree in softwear engineering, got a full time job, and now makes 6 figures.  He owns his own house, car, motorcycle and a bunch of other "toys".  He is 31.  He also, can get a job anywhere, because he has skills employers want.


JennasMom2
by Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 4:46 PM


Quoting sabrtooth1:

Quoting JennasMom2:

How would we be leeching?


all we asked of them was to stay with them until we could establish ourselves, jobs, house/rental, etc. This does not sound like they asked you to move in and live with them till WHENEVER.  It sounds like you asked them.   Before we decided to move there, they told us if we came, we could stay with them. All we asked was to take them up on their original offer. 


his parents said summer or not at all.  So they DID offer for you to come, but you threw a fit because it wasn't when YOU wanted to go???  No, not quite. We have a family. We couldn't just up and go right then and there. My husband had already committed to working which would have allowed us to save more money to be used to support our family and our move (you know, so we didn't leech off his parents).  


In today's market- no one is going to sit and wait for the "out-of-towner" to fly in for an interview.  Sorry, you are wrong.  ONE year ago, my niece found marketing a job in San Francisco, while living in Chicago.  They told her the day they wanted her to come in for an interview, so she flew herself there.  Unless someone calls and wants you to come interview in an hour, you can get where you need to be within a day.  No one has to "wait" for you. 

One of my daughters found a legal assisting job in Norfolk, Va while living in Chicago, and a couple years later, found a better job back in Chicago while still living in Va.

My SIL-to-be (who grew up in Maryland) was told by his step-father that the family did not have enough money to send three kids to college.  He went into the service when he graduated from HS, for the express purpose of paying for college.  He applied to, was accepted into college, found a job, and a place to live, all in Chicago while still in Iraq, finishing up his tour.  He used his GI benefits, worked part-time, and ran track for his tuition and room and board.  He graduated with a degree in softwear engineering, got a full time job, and now makes 6 figures.  He owns his own house, car, motorcycle and a bunch of other "toys".  He is 31.  He also, can get a job anywhere, because he has skills employers want.

That's wonderful that they were able to find jobs, but it's not that easy. Finding jobs in a large city isn't as much of a challenge as a small town. In addition, flying back and forth was not an option, it's very costly and he didn't have the ability to take time off of work - He does have a family of 5 to support. If he was single, or it was just him and I, different story.

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