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locking a 2 year old in bd for punishment!

Posted by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 3:35 PM
  • 28 Replies

I have been extremely patient with my 2 year old daughter since she was born. She had always had sleep issues, like real big ones, where for months, she would go to sleep at 5 am in the morning, and she would skip naps, etc. etc. we, the parents are partly to blame for this, but she is generally a difficult child. when she started her tantrum phase, ive always chose the gentle way and distracted her, or changed location etc. instead of letting her cry and ignoring her. it took a lot of patience, but it worked. i developed strategies over time to make it work. ofcourse, from time to time, she had to cry for long periods of time, or was punished in ways i did not approve, by my husband. he and i do not share the same principles when it comes to raising a child. he was much more stricter but i think over time i've actually taught him to show some compassion, though it's nowhere near my standards and what i expect from him.  anyways, today, my daughter(27 months old), got up around 8 am, had small breakfast, and played a little outside. But I wasnt feeling well(3 weeks pregnant), so I brought her back home, I had no patience to convince her, so she cried for awhile. until around 2 pm, she wached cartoons, bc i needed to cook, clean, and have a nap(i only sleep 3-4 hrs at night due to pregnancy, usually no naps during the day, but today i needed one).  so i know she was very bored staying home, and not doing anything for awhile, her dad was on his computer the whole time when i was taking a nap, so she didnt get much attention. she was also verry sleepy but was insisting on not sleeping. as we are trying to clean our living room, she starts to playfully take things out of their place, or sit on the fan, little things like that but when we say no, she just really insists on it. and this slowly turned into a tantrum, i knew it would because she was tired and sleepy, but was really not interested in sleeping at all. so she pushed all our buttons, and ofcourse her dad being short tempered, locked him into our bedroom while she was crying. his main reasoning was she didnt do as we said, she didnt go on the stroller so we can take her out, so she can nap, and she started throwing things on the floor. so she satyed there for maybe like 20 minutes, crying hysterically nonstop! normally i wouldnt let this happen, but i guess she really pushed all my buttons too today and i lost patience. i went upstairs periodically askin him to release her, cause she has cried far too long, and i dont think its right to lock a 2 year old in a room. but he didnt. i really feel like we somehow damaged her psychology, her wyes were swollen red from crying, she looked very upset and scared. constantly wanted to hug, and soon after fell asleep. i feel soooo bad, my baby, she still makes small crying sounds and heaves a sigh  in her sleepfrom crying so long. i am so mad at my husband, but what else could we have done to stop her, and im so tired of her skipping her naps, and getting overtired at night and not sleeping until 2..


update: due to this locking up incident the other day, my daughter now doesnt want to be alone with her dad. she constantly wants me. i went into the the bathroom, she cries hysterically, nonstop. i go downstairs tog rab something, she cries,"come back up", i tell her, you need to come downstairs, i'm working on something here" etc.,  but she insist that i go to her feet wherever she is. this happened several times today, and no matter what i did (calmly explained to her i have stuff to do downstairs/upstairs, you can come with me, when that didnt work, i just let her cry, nothing worked), i cant constantly be with her, moreover i cant go wherever she wants instantly, she's welcome come near me. she doesnt seem to accept it, and cries for very long periods of time, doesnt give up, and its not your whining type of cry too, it's pretty horrible. dh is home all day and just continues to threaten her at every little thing with locking her. i think she wants to feel safe by being with me. i just dont know what to do, any suggestions? i am so stressed by all this, i really feel like i am about to go into labor any minute.

by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 3:35 PM
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Replies (1-10):
butzi
by Bronze Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 3:53 PM
2 moms liked this
I think you and your husband should get professional help to get on the same page. Neither of you is right or wrong, but you are being incredibly inconsistent for your daughter. It would seem that perhaps she is not sure what to expect from one moment to the next. Frankly, it also seems that she is manipulating you as well. I would look maybe at the super nanny websight for some good positive discipline techniques dealing with time out and bedtime.
buttersworth
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 4:29 PM
4 moms liked this

What is the matter with you people?

I know you're looking for someone to make you feel better...and I'm not perfect myself. We all do things that later think, 'hmm..what's a better way?"

You know what, I've got 3 children and they all get their chance to be 'difficult'. One really is more 'difficult' than the others. Well i think about it a lot, and it seems he's the smartest one, though their all smart. And so from there you keep thinking and thinking what does this child want and what does this child need?

If your punishments aren't working then you have to regroup and look at the behavior again. Ask yourself where did it start, why did it start, and AM I BEING UNREASONABLE ?

And you know what? If you don't know the answer to that, well, it's better off to save the rod and spoil the child just until you can figure out if you yourselves are justified. You don't experiment with a child's head.

You and your husband have to be in sync. You're both gonna be different but when it comes to dealing with your child, especially punishment, you HAVE to come to some agreement to be CONSISTENT...and it can't be just one parent acquiescing to the other.

Now that I've said all that, i wonder if this is your first child, and I'm thinking you've never been around children much!

Kids GROW OUT OF NAPS.

Some kids grow out of them at 4 or 6 years old. Some kids are earlier.

What you're daughter is doing with naptime is exactly what ALL 3 OF MY CHILDREN did when they were outgrowing their naps.

They ARE tired. They DO need them. But slowly they outgrow them. How did you think this happened? At the turn of a specific birthday, at some magical age, they suddenly stop? NO!!!!!

Now be proactive. First -

Fix this situation by hugging her more often lately and being ultra nice and forgiving and ...patient! She isn't 12 yet! Omg, wait until she is 12! What the hell are you going to do??? Just give her lots of attention for a bit until she gets back to normal and do not make a deal about this naptime crap again. She is probably going to get scared every day at the naptime time for a while.

Second, don't ask your husband for help. He knows less about child psychology than you do, and if you've got to say he's learning to be compassionate..that's a red flag because you should just HAVE it already for a baby of 2 years old. Yes, she's still a baby for crying out loud. And I don't care if it sounds sexist, but he's a man and he's clueless, and moreso than some other.s

Third,  deal with her not napping. You guys were annoyed because YOU and HE needed her to nap. I know she was tired, but she is growing out of it. So not her problem. Your's.

Fourth, give her quiet time. Call it quiet time, not a nap. A nap instantly means she wants to resist taking one. Quiet time is for book reading (first you read her one then let her look at pictures herself), coloring, playin with playdough, puzzles or legos, watching tv shows that are just enough captivating so she'll stay on the couch but boring enough (with volume low enough) so you MIGHT get to lull her to sleep.

If you do not get her to sleep: the important thing is, she relaxed.

during this time, you take the opportunity to snooze on the couch. Make sure the area is blocked off or she's safe toddling around the living room while you snooze there. She might want to curl up with you.

I dont' care what books say or these soldier-like pediatricians. Kids are people too. Human beings don't just fall asleep on demand.

And now....the most important word of advice...YOU NEVER LET A CHILD CRY WITHOUT COMFORT WHEN IT GETS HYSTERICAL

Why on earth would you tell your husband to go get her and not just use your mother's instinct to immediately rush to her yourself?

You need mega confidence. some of us need more confidence, you need a serious dose of it. You're the mother! GO GET your crying child! Look, I'm all into the husband is the head of the house thing, but not as bad as you...wow you're taking it to a way new level. You're the mother. It's your job, honey...he just wants her to be quiet so he can do whatever he wants to without the noise.

You've got a kid. Get used to it. And you're having another. Loosen up. You're house is going to be noisey, at times disorganized, more cluttered than you like, and not perfect. If you try to obtain a quiet, orderly and perfect house all the time, you're going to have miserable screwed up kids. And you'll go nuts trying to have it that way.

You started your post saying you've been extremely patient...but that would only be true if you were talking about being patient with an adult...which she is not. She's 2!  At this age, she is not reasonable herself. She doesn't always understand what you want from her, and she inherently places self needs and wants above others, because her mind is still growing. She doesn't understand why you punished her.  So it's not productive to punish her like that.

Bleacheddecay
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 4:51 PM
2 moms liked this

Time out for a 2 year old should be two minutes. Period.

Times outs don't work so well at 2, usually redirection works better and distraction. Your husband is way off track on this. I would NOT allow that at all.

countrygirlkat
by Kathleen on Oct. 9, 2013 at 6:46 PM
1 mom liked this

You and your husband have to get on the same page.  While 20 minutes of punishment is too much for a 2 year old, your DH is probably furstrated at your lack of discipline and that she walks all over you so he is going the extreme the other way.  She is the child.  She does not get to make the decisions in the house.  Of course you listen to her and try to meet her needs and wants when you can but you can't let her decide all the time.  If she is throwing a fit she needs to know that isn't okay.  If she is refusing to nap, and still needs one, she needs to know that isn't okay, she has to have quiet time.  It sounds to me like you are so intent on meeting her needs constantly that she is so used to always getting her way so when you have a day when you can't do everything her way(which will happen more and more when the new baby comes) she throws major fits and is out of control.  While fits are normal in a 2 year old to some extent, they have to learn that behavior isn't okay, and you constantly distracting them doesn't teach them, it only prolongs the problem.  Your DH shouldn't have locked her in there for so long, but he had the right idea to remove her and let her realize what she was doing is wrong.  When my 2 year old will throw a fit we will take him to his room and tell him he can come out when he is ready to act nice.  He will scream for a few minutes and then come out and as long as he is calm and not screaming he is welcome to join us again.  If he is still screaming he needs to go back and calm down. 

thislittlegirl
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 6:55 PM

Quoting buttersworth:

What is the matter with you people?

I know you're looking for someone to make you feel better...and I'm not perfect myself. We all do things that later think, 'hmm..what's a better way?"

You know what, I've got 3 children and they all get their chance to be 'difficult'. One really is more 'difficult' than the others. Well i think about it a lot, and it seems he's the smartest one, though their all smart. And so from there you keep thinking and thinking what does this child want and what does this child need?

If your punishments aren't working then you have to regroup and look at the behavior again. Ask yourself where did it start, why did it start, and AM I BEING UNREASONABLE ?

And you know what? If you don't know the answer to that, well, it's better off to save the rod and spoil the child just until you can figure out if you yourselves are justified. You don't experiment with a child's head.

You and your husband have to be in sync. You're both gonna be different but when it comes to dealing with your child, especially punishment, you HAVE to come to some agreement to be CONSISTENT...and it can't be just one parent acquiescing to the other.

Now that I've said all that, i wonder if this is your first child, and I'm thinking you've never been around children much!

Kids GROW OUT OF NAPS.

Some kids grow out of them at 4 or 6 years old. Some kids are earlier.

What you're daughter is doing with naptime is exactly what ALL 3 OF MY CHILDREN did when they were outgrowing their naps.

They ARE tired. They DO need them. But slowly they outgrow them. How did you think this happened? At the turn of a specific birthday, at some magical age, they suddenly stop? NO!!!!!

Now be proactive. First -

Fix this situation by hugging her more often lately and being ultra nice and forgiving and ...patient! She isn't 12 yet! Omg, wait until she is 12! What the hell are you going to do??? Just give her lots of attention for a bit until she gets back to normal and do not make a deal about this naptime crap again. She is probably going to get scared every day at the naptime time for a while.

Second, don't ask your husband for help. He knows less about child psychology than you do, and if you've got to say he's learning to be compassionate..that's a red flag because you should just HAVE it already for a baby of 2 years old. Yes, she's still a baby for crying out loud. And I don't care if it sounds sexist, but he's a man and he's clueless, and moreso than some other.s

Third,  deal with her not napping. You guys were annoyed because YOU and HE needed her to nap. I know she was tired, but she is growing out of it. So not her problem. Your's.

Fourth, give her quiet time. Call it quiet time, not a nap. A nap instantly means she wants to resist taking one. Quiet time is for book reading (first you read her one then let her look at pictures herself), coloring, playin with playdough, puzzles or legos, watching tv shows that are just enough captivating so she'll stay on the couch but boring enough (with volume low enough) so you MIGHT get to lull her to sleep.

If you do not get her to sleep: the important thing is, she relaxed.

during this time, you take the opportunity to snooze on the couch. Make sure the area is blocked off or she's safe toddling around the living room while you snooze there. She might want to curl up with you.

I dont' care what books say or these soldier-like pediatricians. Kids are people too. Human beings don't just fall asleep on demand.

And now....the most important word of advice...YOU NEVER LET A CHILD CRY WITHOUT COMFORT WHEN IT GETS HYSTERICAL

Why on earth would you tell your husband to go get her and not just use your mother's instinct to immediately rush to her yourself?

You need mega confidence. some of us need more confidence, you need a serious dose of it. You're the mother! GO GET your crying child! Look, I'm all into the husband is the head of the house thing, but not as bad as you...wow you're taking it to a way new level. You're the mother. It's your job, honey...he just wants her to be quiet so he can do whatever he wants to without the noise.

You've got a kid. Get used to it. And you're having another. Loosen up. You're house is going to be noisey, at times disorganized, more cluttered than you like, and not perfect. If you try to obtain a quiet, orderly and perfect house all the time, you're going to have miserable screwed up kids. And you'll go nuts trying to have it that way.

You started your post saying you've been extremely patient...but that would only be true if you were talking about being patient with an adult...which she is not. She's 2!  At this age, she is not reasonable herself. She doesn't always understand what you want from her, and she inherently places self needs and wants above others, because her mind is still growing. She doesn't understand why you punished her.  So it's not productive to punish her like that.


I am surprised how much you misunderstood my post. I told you I feel what he did is very wrong, it is wrong to lock up any age child in a room, and i am very against cry it out. it is instinctively wrong. but i have to make it clear, my husband physically prevents me from opening the door, and getting her out of the room. first he yells and starts a huge fight, which i do not want my daughter to hear and witness, she gets very influenced by this. any time we start raising our voices to argue, she loudly says, be quiet to us, this has started months ago, when she was much younger. anyway, i've always had to fight my husband's ways, to not punish her, to not yell at her, to not let her cry, to not ignore her, and i am sooo tired, and physically do not have the ability anymore(i cant carry/remove my daughter from the situation since i am 37 weeks pregnant and huge). it is our first child, and i mostly like to follow my motherly instincts. for the last week, i saw the signs that she is outgrowing naps, however, her body still needs them because what happens is she gets exhausted by 6 or pm and falls asleep if the environment allows her, and her body thinks it's naptime not nightime sleep. and she gets up in a few hrs and stays up allnight. since she did not sleep well last night, and got up early today, from experience, i figured she is able to, and wants to take a nap, and i was right. it is true we are being inconsistent with her, im way too gentle, very relaxed, im not the type of person who wants her house spotless, in fact i have chosen to live much differently than i used to, to let her grow in a relaxed environment, heck i dont even yell at her when she colors the walls (yes i try to teach her it is wrong, but never by yelling or punishing). on the other hand, my husband is much more strict, actually most would call huim the normal one. for example, my daughter is quite the artist, but she likes to draw on herself a lot, and dh punishes her for this!! to me this is absurd and cruel. no matter what i do, i cant reason with him, he is very very stubborn, but on the other hand, their father daughter relationship is great, they love each other. i am soo tire of being in between.i actually notice that my daughter is very smart, apart from being a difficult sleeper and all, she has an amazing personality and her development is great. sometimes the things she says really surprise me. anyway, i really think we dont know how to handle her. well i actually feel that i do, but dh doesnt!
thislittlegirl
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 7:01 PM

Quoting countrygirlkat:

You and your husband have to get on the same page.  While 20 minutes of punishment is too much for a 2 year old, your DH is probably furstrated at your lack of discipline and that she walks all over you so he is going the extreme the other way.  She is the child.  She does not get to make the decisions in the house.  Of course you listen to her and try to meet her needs and wants when you can but you can't let her decide all the time.  If she is throwing a fit she needs to know that isn't okay.  If she is refusing to nap, and still needs one, she needs to know that isn't okay, she has to have quiet time.  It sounds to me like you are so intent on meeting her needs constantly that she is so used to always getting her way so when you have a day when you can't do everything her way(which will happen more and more when the new baby comes) she throws major fits and is out of control.  While fits are normal in a 2 year old to some extent, they have to learn that behavior isn't okay, and you constantly distracting them doesn't teach them, it only prolongs the problem.  Your DH shouldn't have locked her in there for so long, but he had the right idea to remove her and let her realize what she was doing is wrong.  When my 2 year old will throw a fit we will take him to his room and tell him he can come out when he is ready to act nice.  He will scream for a few minutes and then come out and as long as he is calm and not screaming he is welcome to join us again.  If he is still screaming he needs to go back and calm down. 


i think you are right in that my husband is frustrated that she walks over me, and doesnt listen to me, but at this point i do not know how to discipline her without being mean. when she was locked in the room, we told her sveral times if she doesnt scream and cry, she will come out, but she didnt stop, and at one point dh opened the door and asked if she will be quiet, and she said no i wont!. i mean i think its wrong for him to try to reason with her when she is so frantic, but it seemed like she will not just have a quite time, no matter what we told her.
thislittlegirl
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 7:09 PM



Quoting Bleacheddecay:

Time out for a 2 year old should be two minutes. Period.

Times outs don't work so well at 2, usually redirection works better and distraction. Your husband is way off track on this. I would NOT allow that at all.

redirection and distraction is what i am using, it will work 85% time, but some days, i dont have the energy to redirect/distract or she is too tired and stubborn etc. some ppl are completely against the idea of distraction/redirection, they think the child learns nothing from it. honestly i dont see the point in time outs, bc she doesnt know why she is having the time out, she doesnt really understand. for ex: dh started this locking up in a room thing maybe 1-2 weeks ago, and until today, she thought it was some sort of game, and happily went into room, but today, since she went into the room crying, and wasnt calm to begin with, she had problems. also last night, at 2 am, when she resisted sleeping and staying in bed, dh closed the door, we co-sleep, and said we're all sleeping. she cried some, and her nose was running, so she said i need to get out to get a tissue for my nose. dh said, ok i will open the door but only iof you promise to come back to bed once you wipe your nose. she promised. and ofcourse she didnt keep her promise, and dh put her in a room for like 1-2 minutes. when she came out, i asked her, why did dad do that, why was he punishing you? to see if she really understood the point. and she said, "because my nose was running"!!!!!!! OK, so she is really not understanding the point of punishment here. so anyways, i torally think this is very wrtong, but i cant stop dh from doing it, we end fighting in front of her, and its just worse.


countrygirlkat
by Kathleen on Oct. 9, 2013 at 7:52 PM

It can be hard to see our children upset or hurt so all of us have a first instinct to want to avoid that.  You have to get through your mind though that teaching her right and wrong and disciplining her is not mean but is best for her.  By letting her walk all over you, it just makes you feel better in the moment because you don't feel mean but it is hurting her and her learning and growing up to be a nice productive kid and adult.  So even if you feel mean, you have to remind yourself that if you don't teach her you are only hurting her in the end.  Know what I mean.  She threw such a big fit this time and lost it because she isn't used to being told what to do and it actually being followed through with.  For awhile that is what will happen because she figures if she throws a big enough fit and looses it enough you will give in like you usually do.  Hang in there though and continue to let her know you love her but will not accept that behavior.  When she is being good and listening show her with extra love and extra praise.  She will learn that it is easier to behave then to misbehave and slowly she will learn cause and effect.  Like I said, it will be harder at first because she is testing it but if you two are consistant she will get tired of throwing the fits and figure out it is easier not to. 

Quoting thislittlegirl:


Quoting countrygirlkat:

You and your husband have to get on the same page.  While 20 minutes of punishment is too much for a 2 year old, your DH is probably furstrated at your lack of discipline and that she walks all over you so he is going the extreme the other way.  She is the child.  She does not get to make the decisions in the house.  Of course you listen to her and try to meet her needs and wants when you can but you can't let her decide all the time.  If she is throwing a fit she needs to know that isn't okay.  If she is refusing to nap, and still needs one, she needs to know that isn't okay, she has to have quiet time.  It sounds to me like you are so intent on meeting her needs constantly that she is so used to always getting her way so when you have a day when you can't do everything her way(which will happen more and more when the new baby comes) she throws major fits and is out of control.  While fits are normal in a 2 year old to some extent, they have to learn that behavior isn't okay, and you constantly distracting them doesn't teach them, it only prolongs the problem.  Your DH shouldn't have locked her in there for so long, but he had the right idea to remove her and let her realize what she was doing is wrong.  When my 2 year old will throw a fit we will take him to his room and tell him he can come out when he is ready to act nice.  He will scream for a few minutes and then come out and as long as he is calm and not screaming he is welcome to join us again.  If he is still screaming he needs to go back and calm down. 


i think you are right in that my husband is frustrated that she walks over me, and doesnt listen to me, but at this point i do not know how to discipline her without being mean. when she was locked in the room, we told her sveral times if she doesnt scream and cry, she will come out, but she didnt stop, and at one point dh opened the door and asked if she will be quiet, and she said no i wont!. i mean i think its wrong for him to try to reason with her when she is so frantic, but it seemed like she will not just have a quite time, no matter what we told her.


Bleacheddecay
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:35 PM

I try to find times when we are both calm to talk about things that are highly emotionally charged like this. I would have to put my foot down with my husband.


Quoting thislittlegirl:



Quoting Bleacheddecay:

Time out for a 2 year old should be two minutes. Period.

Times outs don't work so well at 2, usually redirection works better and distraction. Your husband is way off track on this. I would NOT allow that at all.

redirection and distraction is what i am using, it will work 85% time, but some days, i dont have the energy to redirect/distract or she is too tired and stubborn etc. some ppl are completely against the idea of distraction/redirection, they think the child learns nothing from it. honestly i dont see the point in time outs, bc she doesnt know why she is having the time out, she doesnt really understand. for ex: dh started this locking up in a room thing maybe 1-2 weeks ago, and until today, she thought it was some sort of game, and happily went into room, but today, since she went into the room crying, and wasnt calm to begin with, she had problems. also last night, at 2 am, when she resisted sleeping and staying in bed, dh closed the door, we co-sleep, and said we're all sleeping. she cried some, and her nose was running, so she said i need to get out to get a tissue for my nose. dh said, ok i will open the door but only iof you promise to come back to bed once you wipe your nose. she promised. and ofcourse she didnt keep her promise, and dh put her in a room for like 1-2 minutes. when she came out, i asked her, why did dad do that, why was he punishing you? to see if she really understood the point. and she said, "because my nose was running"!!!!!!! OK, so she is really not understanding the point of punishment here. so anyways, i torally think this is very wrtong, but i cant stop dh from doing it, we end fighting in front of her, and its just worse.




2lilmamas
by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 1:16 AM
So wrong in so many ways 20 mins for a 2 years......I feel so bad for her...
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