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Move away moms, help!

Posted by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 7:32 PM
  • 10 Replies

During the past several months, I have been seeing a guy that I have known for years.  I am from a small town, limited opportunities, and I am miserable.  The guy that I am currently seeing, we have always been interested in eachother however, we have been in relationships.  I have been there numerous times (500 miles away) as well as taken my daughter there.  Things have become serious to the point where he asked me to discuss with her father, me moving there.  This is something that I feel is right for me.  I talked with her father about it (I am 30, he is 44) and discussed the fact that I wanted her for the school year and he could have her holidays and the summer.  He was not in agreement with this and stated that he would reverse it.  I am nervous about it (as she is a girl, 3yrs of age) however, I have been miserable with my job, my town, everything.  I haven't felt this way about someone in a long time and am fearful that I may never have this again.  Question being, I am seriously considering moving and agreeing with his terms.  I do not want to get a lawyer and do not want to bring our relationship (father and mines) into something that it shouldn't (us hating eachother).  Has anyone else ever done this?  We have a good plan and I am not looking at just up a leaving anytime soon.  If anyone has moved away from their child, how was your experience?  Any advice would help!  Thanks in advance ladies :)

by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 7:32 PM
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Replies (1-10):
saraface5383
by Sara on Oct. 9, 2013 at 7:34 PM
I wouldn't move away from my child for anyone.
countrygirlkat
by Kathleen on Oct. 9, 2013 at 8:01 PM
1 mom liked this

It is just me but I could never move away from my children.  I could also never take my children away from their father.  They are close to both of us and it just wouldn't be right for me to do that.  Is there any way he would move closer to you?  If you have the child and such it would make much more sense for him to move then for you to move and have to leave her behind. 

Shannahnagem
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 8:17 PM

Hey countrygirlkat!  He has a 5 year old son and the economy in his area is a lot better.  There are other factors included in this that I failed to mention.  Her father and I have lived together for over a year due to financial reassons.  I have a college education as does he.  I am not looking to moving until the summer.  I am going to move out and we are going to start getting her aclimated to being with just one of us at a time and then progress into longer periods.  Of course if she were to display any anxiety, then we would re visit things and I would not move.  I live in a small town and I could make 10-15,000 more a year where he lives.  I would be able to provide for her financially as if I were to live on my own here, I would struggle a lot.  I want to be happy and I want her to be happy.  It is a hard decision to make.  Her father is a very good father and is very flexable.  A little background on him, he was married 12 years ago and I was the first person he dated since then.  Things did not work out and we decided that we should "seperate" but continued to live in the same home due to financial reassons.  He does not have confidence in himself to "find another" and he will not go and look for someone else.  He feels that his daughter is all that he has.  Honestly, this is the truth.  He discussed how I am still young, I have someone, and it would literally tear him apart to be without her for that long and this is the truth.  We talked about how I would be called into every conference, doctors appointment, and whatever major issue came about.  It is a stuff situation. 

Bleacheddecay
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:05 PM

No way I'd agree to losing my child over a man. Sorry. That just would NEVER be on the table. Kids love easily but they also feel hurt and abandoned easily. If you do this you will almost certainly estrange your child from you.

Shannahnagem
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:15 PM

I am not abandoning or losing my child.  I didn't want to post on sites like this due to being judge or told that I would be abandoning my child.  There is a difference between abandonment and moving away.  If I were abandoning her, then I would not put forth any type of effort.  As far as estrangement, I don't feel that it is necessarly the case.  This is more common than people may know.  I know of three other's that have done the same thing and their relationship was not jeprodized with their child as they were activlty involved in their life.  However, all of these were males.  I understand that everyone has personal opinions and that is fine.  I was looking to see if there were any mothers that have done this. 

adahmama
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:28 PM
2 moms liked this
Call it whatever you like, moving 500 miles away from your only daughter to be with a man because you don't think this opportunity will arise again isn't putting your daughter or her needs first.
offrdngal
by Terri on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:38 PM
1 mom liked this
Yes, there is a difference between moving away and abandonment..to an adult or a teenager. However, to a 3 year old, there is no difference. Five hundred miles is a long distance. I know you intend to try to be active in her life, but what do you consider "active"? How long before you are tired of driving 500 miles, to some activity or life event? How long before it turns into "I'll be there for the next one"?
I'm not trying to judge or bash you. I've seen this happen. The one who moves away gets tired of making the drive or their new life just starts to become more important (not necessarily intentionally) and the child "left behind" becomes an after thought. The excuses start to pile up..."my car broke down"; "I don't have money for gas"; "they're calling for bad weather"...etc., etc....and the child is left feeling like they've done something wrong to keep mom/dad from wanting to see them.
I'm not saying this happens all the time, but it does happen.
Food for thought. Good luck, whatever you decide.

cali_gurl
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:25 PM

I agree that a 3 year old girl will not see a difference. She will miss you terribly and you will regret this if you leave her. I know it is a terribly hard decision.


Quoting Shannahnagem:

I am not abandoning or losing my child.  I didn't want to post on sites like this due to being judge or told that I would be abandoning my child.  There is a difference between abandonment and moving away.  If I were abandoning her, then I would not put forth any type of effort.  As far as estrangement, I don't feel that it is necessarly the case.  This is more common than people may know.  I know of three other's that have done the same thing and their relationship was not jeprodized with their child as they were activlty involved in their life.  However, all of these were males.  I understand that everyone has personal opinions and that is fine.  I was looking to see if there were any mothers that have done this. 



a_and_j_momma
by Platinum Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:31 PM
I would never leave my child behind for a man you are dating from a distance. You said "past several months" and you live far. No way you can know how well you work together knowing each other for a short time and not seeing each other regularly
AM-BRAT
by Amber on Oct. 10, 2013 at 12:38 AM
Agree with all.
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