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Am I overreacting toward my husband?

Posted by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 10:53 PM
  • 23 Replies

First, a quick background...I am a SAHM who does a little freelance work from home.  My husband works full time.  The money I do get each month goes on groceries and anything our 18 month old daughter needs (clothes, diapers, wipes, utensils, toys, and so on).  I never consider buying for myself because I was brought up by parents who always made sure my needs were met and went without new things so I could have what I needed.  My husband (whose pay more than doubles what I make) pays bills.

Ok...now on to the issue at hand...my husband informs me today that he bought his brother a "just because" gift for his jeep.  His brother mentioned to him that he wanted one of these and my husband takes his time to go online, hunt it, and buy it.  A little info about his brother (he doesn't work, stays home with his kids (one of which isn't his), lets his parents help pay his way through life, yet they all think the world of him).  He NEVER takes the time to hunt our daughter anything and buy it.  He told me once that his way of providing for her is by paying power and water (all his other bills are for himself...she doesn't use phone, internet, or even watches tv).  I can't recall the last time he gave me something just because.  We haven't even had a date since our daughter was born.  

The fact that he did this for his brother is really bugging me.  I can care less if he can't take an interest and ever buy me anything, but seriously you buy for your brother and not your daughter.  I want to say something to him, but not sure if I could.  I am sure his motto will be "I work for the money, so I can spend it as I wish."  Plus, if I talk to him I will turn out being the bad guy some how and he will not see it my way and go days without talking to me.  We have had issues about him and his brother in the past, and he thinks so highly of his brother and gets mad at anyone who remotely says something about him.  I thought about writing him a letter and leave it for him after work because sometimes it may be taken more serious that way.  Am I overreacting?  Should I just let it go?  Am I being jealous?  I know once I say something he is going to be unhappy about it, but I am unhappy about it now.  Any advice will help.

by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 10:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
crwspringer
by Silver Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 11:05 PM
1 mom liked this
I would be jealous too.

I deal with the same issue on a different level..... My husband has time for and does things for everyone except the people who he claims to love the most.
He sits with an ex coworker for 2 hours working on job stuff, he loans everything we own to who ever and never asks for it back... Yet if I ask him to take his plate to the sink all I get is bitching. Or if I ask him to help dd w/ homework while I work.... You would think I asked him to donate a kidney (who he would probably give to a stranger, but not me)
jen_sc
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 11:26 PM

I feel you.   Mine is the same way...always too tired to do something with me, but jumps whenever someone else needs him...it doesn't help we live next door to all his family...surrounded by them...they call and he drops it all to go to them.

jesusgirl76
by on Oct. 25, 2013 at 11:50 AM
You are not over-reacting at all. My hubby and I would have a loud fight and the "just because" gift would go back. Some men are just clueless when it comes to priorities. I wish you the best.
goddess99
by on Oct. 25, 2013 at 11:52 AM
1 mom liked this

If it was expensive I would say something like in his face say something. Don't let him treat you and your dd like that. If it was just some stupid $10 crap I wouldn't bother Ok I would but I wouldn't be as aggressive about it.

precious54
by on Oct. 25, 2013 at 12:00 PM

talk to him and let him know how you feel

SamMom912
by Silver Member on Oct. 25, 2013 at 12:42 PM
5 moms liked this

I think perhaps you should commend your hubby on his thoughfulness, his care, concern for his brother. I think you should point out how sweet a gesture it was. How genuinely moved you are that he would take that kind of time to do that for him, how special you hope his borther feels when he recieves the gift.. and then ask him to make sure when your birthday or holiday rolls around that youre hoping he will do the same for you... oh, and DD.. cause wow, you're impressed with how great this whole scenario went... and how you're hoping that you'll get that same white glove treatment... AND LEAVE IT... dont be sarcastic, dont be petty or jealous.. just state facts.
Thats what you want.. you want him to do the same for you... so, praise him for doing it.. ask him to do it for you.. then dont nag or belittle him. cause NO one wants to have to ASK for a gift or to be treated well... and when you open the dialogue, if you're not accusing him of NOT doing it-- he may give you a reason why he hasnt done this.. "Oh, well you always take such good care of DD.." or I find you SO hard to buy for..." there may be a very valid reason (in his mind) why he hasnt done this for you... IM doubting he is selfish or lousy... you wouldnt have married him..right?. LOL...

spizzarks1978
by on Oct. 25, 2013 at 12:58 PM
1 mom liked this

This is good advice.  Kill him with kindness!  A little reverse psychology. 

Quoting SamMom912:

I think perhaps you should commend your hubby on his thoughfulness, his care, concern for his brother. I think you should point out how sweet a gesture it was. How genuinely moved you are that he would take that kind of time to do that for him, how special you hope his borther feels when he recieves the gift.. and then ask him to make sure when your birthday or holiday rolls around that youre hoping he will do the same for you... oh, and DD.. cause wow, you're impressed with how great this whole scenario went... and how you're hoping that you'll get that same white glove treatment... AND LEAVE IT... dont be sarcastic, dont be petty or jealous.. just state facts.
Thats what you want.. you want him to do the same for you... so, praise him for doing it.. ask him to do it for you.. then dont nag or belittle him. cause NO one wants to have to ASK for a gift or to be treated well... and when you open the dialogue, if you're not accusing him of NOT doing it-- he may give you a reason why he hasnt done this.. "Oh, well you always take such good care of DD.." or I find you SO hard to buy for..." there may be a very valid reason (in his mind) why he hasnt done this for you... IM doubting he is selfish or lousy... you wouldnt have married him..right?. LOL...


LoreleiSieja
by Bronze Member on Oct. 25, 2013 at 1:00 PM
1 mom liked this

You are in a delicate situation.  You have a right to your feelings, but do you want to be "right" or be happily married?

You mentioned that everyone thinks so highly of this brother.  The fact you don't is jealously.  You wish your husband paid you as much attention as his brother, and rightly so. But instead of confronting your husband, you should try praising him.

Tell him how sweet it is that he remembers his brother, how kind of him to gift his unemployed brother with this thing for his truck.  Tell him how much you love his ability to give to others so selflessly.  If you want him to give YOU gifts, you need to praise his gift-giving tendency! If you critisize him, he may stop giving gifts alltogether.

This is the unique catch-22 to understanding men. Whatever quality you WANT them to exhibit, you praise them for.  If you want him to be more romantic, then anytime he does something the slightest bit romantic, you PRAISE him for it.  Not overboard.  Don't gush in nauseum, and make him feel that you are manipulating him.  But if he brings you home a flower he picked up from the roadside ditch, praise him. Tell him how much you love getting flowers, and that was so sweet of him to think of you, and stop.  Then he will feel good about himself.  he will feel proud that you recognize his "good" qualities, and he will want to feel good again.  Next time he might actually pick up flowers at the gas station or florist!

As for your feelings of hurt that he pays more attention to his brother than his daughter, it could be a matter of a lack of communication.  He sees you buying things for the girl, and maybe he feels that you have it all covered.  Maybe he feels that you have spent too much on her... maybe he doesn't understand what she needs or wants from him.

Giving her gifts is not the issue. Being a good daddy is.  Encourage him to spend time with his daughter, and praise him when he does.  Ask him if he would rather read her the bedtime story, or give her a bath while you do up the dinner dishes.  Give him a choice of two activities - don't ask him if he'd like to play with the baby and give him the option to say "no".  He might be afraid of being a dad.  He might be avoiding the baby because he doesn't want to screw up.

If he reads to the baby, praise him.  Tell him what a good dad he is.  Tell him how much you love the time he spends with his girl.  He will come to have wonderful feelings about his child once he feels confident.  Guys don't like to feel incompetant.  As long as he's uncomfortable around the baby, he'll continue to avoid her.  

Don't let jealousy guide your actions.  You are wise to step back, and try to get some perspective on this.  you can help your husband become a wonderful, loving and thoughtful man that you want him to be.  It takes time and patience, and love.

http://raisingcreativechildren.com/nail-biting/


DaniandTom
by Bronze Member on Oct. 25, 2013 at 1:00 PM

If it was a one time thing, I don't think you should worry much about it. If he does things like this all the time, then yeah, you need to talk to him. For him, he IS doing things for you and dd all the time-paying the mortgage, the power bill, the phone, etc. To him that is showing how very much he loves you. That's how HE shows his love. It may not be how you want him to, but we each show it in different ways and you need to appreciate his way. He can't pay his brother's power bill because he doesn't have one. But he can buy him a gift. If you get upset about it, TO HIM it is saying that you don't think his brother should be important or that he should show him love. TO HIM it is saying that you don't appreciate the way he shows his love for you and your daughter. That's not the message you want to send to him. At the same time, you need to be heard. So talk calmly to him when all distractions are gone--baby is sleeping, TV is off and it's just you two. Tell him that you think it's wonderful how he has taken care of you and your daughter. Tell him it was sweet what he did for his brother and how you love little surprises like that so you really hope his brother appreciated what he did for him. Let him draw the conclusion that he should do something like that for you or dd. Praise his thoughtfulness and kindness and love. Make the conversation about HIM and how good he is. People love doing things for others when they feel appreciated and men are no exception! Try to see things from his unique perspective. Imagine how you would feel if you lovingly made a nice dinner for him and he complained about it because you didn't make the rolls he likes...or there was no dessert. You'd be hurt. You'd feel like you never wanted to do anything for him again! Yeah, I get it...the brother is a lazy jerk who gets everything handed to him on a silver platter. He's a slug. But honestly, how do you think the brother feels about himself? Men identify themselves by what they do for a living. He does nothing--therefore in his own eyes, he IS nothing! He may hide it but he feels it. Instead of making dh feel lousy about himself for doing something nice for his brother, praise him for it. Let him know that even if the brother doesn't appreciate him, you do! He's not stupid...he'll see the light. 

kailu1835
by Member on Oct. 25, 2013 at 1:06 PM
Or it could be that he is not worth high esteem in the first place. My cousin is a total douche. He was rotten to his sisters, way above and beyond sibling rivalry, went AWOL in the military, and started many many fights he couldn't finish. Yet his parents think SOOOO highly of him. I don't. I have no respect for him whatsoever. That doesn't make me jealous that makes me sane.

Quoting LoreleiSieja:

You are in a delicate situation.  You have a right to your feelings, but do you want to be "right" or be happily married?

You mentioned that everyone thinks so highly of this brother.  The fact you don't is jealously.  You wish your husband paid you as much attention as his brother, and rightly so. But instead of confronting your husband, you should try praising him.

Tell him how sweet it is that he remembers his brother, how kind of him to gift his unemployed brother with this thing for his truck.  Tell him how much you love his ability to give to others so selflessly.  If you want him to give YOU gifts, you need to praise his gift-giving tendency! If you critisize him, he may stop giving gifts alltogether.

This is the unique catch-22 to understanding men. Whatever quality you WANT them to exhibit, you praise them for.  If you want him to be more romantic, then anytime he does something the slightest bit romantic, you PRAISE him for it.  Not overboard.  Don't gush in nauseum, and make him feel that you are manipulating him.  But if he brings you home a flower he picked up from the roadside ditch, praise him. Tell him how much you love getting flowers, and that was so sweet of him to think of you, and stop.  Then he will feel good about himself.  he will feel proud that you recognize his "good" qualities, and he will want to feel good again.  Next time he might actually pick up flowers at the gas station or florist!

As for your feelings of hurt that he pays more attention to his brother than his daughter, it could be a matter of a lack of communication.  He sees you buying things for the girl, and maybe he feels that you have it all covered.  Maybe he feels that you have spent too much on her... maybe he doesn't understand what she needs or wants from him.

Giving her gifts is not the issue. Being a good daddy is.  Encourage him to spend time with his daughter, and praise him when he does.  Ask him if he would rather read her the bedtime story, or give her a bath while you do up the dinner dishes.  Give him a choice of two activities - don't ask him if he'd like to play with the baby and give him the option to say "no".  He might be afraid of being a dad.  He might be avoiding the baby because he doesn't want to screw up.

If he reads to the baby, praise him.  Tell him what a good dad he is.  Tell him how much you love the time he spends with his girl.  He will come to have wonderful feelings about his child once he feels confident.  Guys don't like to feel incompetant.  As long as he's uncomfortable around the baby, he'll continue to avoid her.  

Don't let jealousy guide your actions.  You are wise to step back, and try to get some perspective on this.  you can help your husband become a wonderful, loving and thoughtful man that you want him to be.  It takes time and patience, and love.

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