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PLEASE HELP need major advice and help

Posted by on Oct. 27, 2013 at 10:35 AM
  • 28 Replies

Hi Parents!

Im in dire need of some advice

My daughter is 5 years old and for some reason she has a fear of my cousins boyfriend. She has known him since she was about a yr old. Shes always been rather strange with him. At the age of 1 alot of kids are shy with people they dont know so nothing came of it. my cousins boyfriend didnt come to every family function and they were always breaking up and getting back together so it wasnt like she saw him that much. But when she did she would hide her face and not look at him or anyone around she started doing this at the age of 2. i would take her in other rooms to get her away from him but she always seemed upset still.. months have passed and she seemed to be over it, she wasnt ever friendly with him she just didnt hide or shy away as much. we my cousin and her bf broke up for awhile so my child did not see him. once they got back toegther it started all over again and now shes 5 and isnt showing signs of getting better. my husband and i have told her not to bring him around my daughter , we had a family party at  my parents house and we wanted to make sure our daughter felt comfortable there so we asked nicely for him not to come to my parents house. my cousin was extremely upset with me that we said something and a huge fight broke out and we havent spoken since (3months its been)

my issue is that my sister (who i am extremely close with) is having her sons(my nephew) 1st bday party this weekend, what am i suppose to do about my 5 yr old? is it wrong that i dont go? my sister understands what we have been going through but i feel bad not attending his 1st party. im not sure if my cousin and her bf are even going but i cant ask her bc its such a sensative situation and we dont speak anymore.

others have said to just leave my 5yr old home with my husband but his issue is that since our youngest seems so upset over this guy that i shouldnt take my oldest (8yrs) around him either. my 8yr old has never been shy of him. she doesnt care about him one way or another.

 

sooo lost and confused!! please help with any advice.

we have spoken to a therapist but she said it would take along time to figure out what her issuse is with my couins boyfriend.

by on Oct. 27, 2013 at 10:35 AM
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Replies (1-10):
sheather
by on Oct. 27, 2013 at 10:49 AM

BUMP!

sara170
by Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 11:04 AM

Children have a sixth sence that most older people loose. I would listen to your child, there is probably something not right with this guy. I would just steer clear. Set your priorities, who comes first? Your children or your cousins feelings?

silverdawn99
by Bronze Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 11:05 AM
Have you asked her why she didn't like him?
Saharra
by Bronze Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 11:37 AM
I agree. She's old enough to talk to you about it. Maybe she won't be able to say completely, but you should know her well enough to help her a bit.


Quoting silverdawn99:

Have you asked her why she didn't like him?

nuts4scouts
by Bronze Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 11:49 AM
2 moms liked this

So, from age 1, every time your child would not look at this guy, you would go into hyper mode, cuddle, and take her away for private mommy and me time?

No wonder she is still reacting "strangely" to this guy. You have taught her (for 4 years) that she gets extra attention if she behaves this way.

Was your daughter ever alone with this guy?

Is hiding her face all that happens? Is there a yelling tantrum involved also?

At 5 years old your daughter can communicate fairly clearly with you (and you with her).

Talk to her about why she acts the way she does. If there is no valid reason for it, then talk to her about behavior expectations/consequences - and stick to them.

Meanwhile - don't expect her to give this guy a happy hug every time she sees him, or sit next to him. At family gatherings a 5 year old should be playing with the other kids, not hanging around the adults. Simply ask your cousin to steer her bf away from your daughter.

If your daughter throws a tantrum at the sight of him on the other side of the property, remind her of her behavior expectations, and stick to any consequences you have put into place.

sheather
by on Oct. 27, 2013 at 1:31 PM

i agree with you about the 6th sence thing. my cousin and some family members think i should just blow it off and ignore her feelings.. that really upsets me and makes me mad

sheather
by on Oct. 27, 2013 at 1:35 PM

 it wasnt from age 1 till now that she hid her face .. at age one she would just act shy

but now at the age of 5 things have gotten worse.

i did not in any way try to give her extra attention when this guy comes around..but by the way she was acting i would let her know shes safe and talk to her. and she deff isnt looking for extra attention. if shes off playing with her other cousins who are around the same age and she sees this guy walk in and will run away and come find me. she doesnt feel safe when hes around. my husband and i have try numerous times to ask her what  bothers her about him and she will simply say " i dont know" shes not very willing to talk about the issue. she gets up set when asked about it.


Quoting nuts4scouts:

So, from age 1, every time your child would not look at this guy, you would go into hyper mode, cuddle, and take her away for private mommy and me time?

No wonder she is still reacting "strangely" to this guy. You have taught her (for 4 years) that she gets extra attention if she behaves this way.

Was your daughter ever alone with this guy?

Is hiding her face all that happens? Is there a yelling tantrum involved also?

At 5 years old your daughter can communicate fairly clearly with you (and you with her).

Talk to her about why she acts the way she does. If there is no valid reason for it, then talk to her about behavior expectations/consequences - and stick to them.

Meanwhile - don't expect her to give this guy a happy hug every time she sees him, or sit next to him. At family gatherings a 5 year old should be playing with the other kids, not hanging around the adults. Simply ask your cousin to steer her bf away from your daughter.

If your daughter throws a tantrum at the sight of him on the other side of the property, remind her of her behavior expectations, and stick to any consequences you have put into place.


 

sheather
by on Oct. 27, 2013 at 1:37 PM

 

yes, my husband and i and family members have all asked her even her family dr has asked her. she gets very upset and says she doesnt know. im at a lost here on what to do and how to handle this situation. should i just keep her away from family functions all together when hes going to be around? i dont know what the right thing to do is.

Quoting silverdawn99:

Have you asked her why she didn't like him?


 

anotherguatmom
by Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 1:46 PM

There are people I'm not comfortable around.  I would take her but, tell her if you don't fell comfortable around him then don't go near him.  Like the others have said I would trust her 6th sense.  Just be aware of where your children are at all times when he's around.   

silverdawn99
by Bronze Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 1:46 PM

sounds like he touched her and she doesnt remember. has she ever been left alone with him? no dont penalize your dd. just reassure her that she doesnt have to go near him

Quoting sheather:


yes, my husband and i and family members have all asked her even her family dr has asked her. she gets very upset and says she doesnt know. im at a lost here on what to do and how to handle this situation. should i just keep her away from family functions all together when hes going to be around? i dont know what the right thing to do is.

Quoting silverdawn99:

Have you asked her why she didn't like him?




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