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Husband Problems

Posted by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 3:38 PM
  • 13 Replies

the problem we have is that my husband works (not hard) so he doesnt feel that need to have any responsibilities when he gets home i.e. helping with the kids, house work, or anything at all actually. since he pays all the bills, he says he doesnt have  to do anything he doesnt want to. 

funny thing tho, this is a recent change... i used to be the only money maker in the relationship but since it was only a receptionist job, he said i sat on my ass all day so he expected me to still do everything when i got home because he was with our son all day. i would eat something and then play with our son and then when bedtime rolls around, i was told it was only fair that i stay up with him all night (or whenever he woke up) because he had him all day... so i would work all day (11 hour shifts every day) and come home and be expected to make dinner, stay up all night, etc. etc. the only thing i give him credit for is he's really good with our boys when he plays with them.

when he first got his job, he was a hard laborer so i didnt really mind doing most things because his job required running and heavy lifting (10hour shifts, 6 days a week at first, now only 5 days). after getting his promotion, he now sits at a desk and does statistics for the company. i've tried telling him he needs to do more now because he's just sitting at a desk all day and he said it doesnt matter because he pays for everything so if he wants to go to bed at 8pm and the kids are up til 11 then i dont get any help because he's sleeping (btw we have 2 kids now, i had a baby 4 months ago) i'm a little helpless at the moment being a stay at home mom and trying to launch a business i can do from home so i can be home with our amazing boys and not have him be the only bread winner. 

another funny thing... i supported the both of us from day one. we met and about 8 days later i was pregnant and guess who got her shit together? me! and guess who didnt... him. i supported us for the 3 years we've known eacthother up until last May when he got this job

so now i have double the kids and less husband and i'm driving myself crazy because i've even gone as far as pouring water on him to wake up and help me in the middle of the night and he won't even move or he'll take the blankets and move somewhere else in the house... even while theres screaming children... 

why on earth would he argue with me while the kids are screaming? and how the hell do i get him to stop this nonsense? i dont have the heart to argue extensivly while they need a bottle but he will just sleep or ignore them completly so i always am forced to give in and just do it myself.

hes a very difficult person to reason with, hes very inward and gives short answers that dont really ever answer my questions. he never raises his voice or anything and it just seems like he doesnt care. i feel like he should want to do these things for his kids because they are our kids! i'm doing so much i feel like i'm starting to be like him and not wanting to do anything which wouldnt be happening if there was some mutual respect and effort. i feel like i'm becoming a worse parent because i'm so tired and irritable and i just want to cry.

thats another thing, i was told i tested very high for post partum depression after my second son and when i shared this with my husband, he said 'you should really talk to someone about that' and thats it, thats all he said! the nerve!

anyway, i need some help. are there any mothers out there that have husbands out there that theyve had these problems with ? i need things like ultimatums or things i can say he needs to do or ill do this, kinda thing. or if theres any other suggestions i'd be happy to hear them. nothing seems to get through to him. if i tell him to do something, he just wont. and i cant physically force him which is the only reason i'd turn to trying an ultimatum. especially in the middle of the night when he just ignores everyone and doesnt get up to help with anything. thanks for any help.

by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 3:38 PM
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by Member on Nov. 29, 2013 at 3:47 PM
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I get the same argument from my DH 'I pay the bills so I don't have to lift a finger at home' so he doesn't except to mow the lawn and he's gone for 2/3 of the week anyway so I'm used to doing it all but I agree it would be nice to be able to ask occasionally 'hey Hunny, could you start the laundry while I bath the kids please?' or something
by Amber on Nov. 29, 2013 at 4:05 PM
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Tough and all responses will be different.

When we first made a family we had a very "traditional" home life, *I* made the home and and he was mostly always gone for work. We both tried to make things as easy as possible for eachother, since we were both doing heavy tasks.

However- we both work ft now, and have adjust home roles accordingly. It takes a good team to make both feel appreciated and supported.

Start with a good talk, maybe sometime after good sex and good food- and be open to what he made need from you as well. 

Gl mama. Finding balance can be tough!  :)

by Barb on Nov. 29, 2013 at 4:11 PM
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I thought my husband should help more with the children and home until he pointed out to me that not only did he work at his job a full day but he mowed, did household repairs, kept up the cars. And I realized that even though I had a hard job keeping the house and raising the children, that he did, too.  He was willing to read to the children every night, and while he did this I was able to work on cleaning up. But I didn't feel that I could ask him to get up with sick children since he had to get up and go to work. At the time I hadn't thought that I had a 24 hour a day job, which is what it is. These days I'd try to hire someone to help out a couple hours a day, or even trade sitting with another mom for a couple hours a day so that I'd have some time on my own.  Also, we are entitled to a morning or afternoon, or evening, once a week, off of the job. If you husband isn't willing to take over for a few hours once a week while you leave the house and shop or meet with friends, then see if you can hire someone, and if the budget is tight, trade sitting with another mom.

by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 10:02 PM
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Men who have that mindset don't change! Good luck! My hubby doesn't cook clean do laundry ect because he works so I care for the house but the kids are ours and its a team effort!
by Kathleen on Nov. 29, 2013 at 11:22 PM

I see a multitude of problems here.  While I think his attitude about it all isn't good, yours isn't helping either.  If you pour water on somebody in the middle of the night the last thing they are going to want to do is help you out, it is going to make them want to retreat farther away.  If you act like a child he will in return.  Now, like I said, he is in the wrong as well, but you can't change his behavior, only yours. I am not trying to be mean, I am just saying that each of us can make things better or worse in a relationship.

What I would do is find a time where neither of you are stressed or upset with the other.  Sit down and talk with him about a plan for household tasks.  Ask if there are one or two things he might be able to help with.  When it comes to the middle of the night feedings and crying in my house I do them all.  DH is at work during the day and regardless of what type of work it is, he needs to be on the top of his game because if he was to loose his job due to being tired or whatever, we would be screwed with his income supporting us.  So, if I am tired during the day it isn't as big of a deal.  With you trying to start a business though it would be nice if he could maybe help you with a few things.  Personally for me, my priority when DH is home is for him to be able to interact with the kids.  I get to see them all day and while that is work and is stressful at times, I have plenty of opportunity to bond and interact with them.  When he is off and awake I want him to have the opportunity to do the same.  When he gets home he will play with them and I will do dinner or clean or do laundry or whatever.  If I ever need help with household chores I know he will help if asked but I try not to ask if I don't have to because I want him to have time with the kids.  Maybe you can ask your DH if when he gets home after 20 minutes to unwind, he could take the kids and play with them for an hour so you can get some stuff done and then you will be able to eat and have family time afterwards until he has to get to bed.  You could also ask if on a day off of his he could take the kids to the park or some place for a bit so you can either get some stuff done or have some me time.  Just him having that hour or so each day will give him time with the kids and you time to get done what you need to.

I would also suggest talking to a doctor about the post-partum depression if you haven't already.  Having that can make all jobs 10x harder.  Hugs and good luck. 

by on Nov. 30, 2013 at 2:17 AM
my dh doesn't do house work. I'm a stay at home mommy due to a lack of babysitter. dh works in a factory and he works 40 to 60 hours a week. He comes home exhausted alot. he will play with our two girls and keep them entertained while I cook supper. I'm also very very picky how things are done around the house. I have ocd. We both agreed on I do the cleaning because if he does it, I go back and re do it my way anyways.
by Member on Nov. 30, 2013 at 7:55 AM
I agree with talking with him after/during a nice dinner and you're both in a good mood; maybe get a sitter and go out so there's no distractions from the kids, even if it's only for an hour or so. I'm not one for ultimatums because I don't like to get them myself.

I'm siding with you (except for the water thing). It IS a 24-7 job, but he gets 2 days off and it sounds like you don't get much time off besides sleeping.

My gf gets up M-F at 4 am to go to work and gets home @ 3:30/4 pm, so she has a long day. She's an operations manager at a manufacturing plant so it's a mix of physical labor and desk work. It's a long day and she's pretty beat when she gets home, and I get that. Here's what we worked out: I do night shift every night during the week and she takes one or both on the weekend. She showers and chills out for a bit after she gets home while I start dinner (she still interacts with both of us tho, she doesn't just veg on the couch and ignore us). She feeds our daughter at dinner, we both play with her til her bedtime, then she gives our daughter a bath while I clean up the kitchen and living room. Weekends it's a combination since she's off.

I used to not ask for help because I thought since she brought home the money I had no right to ask, but then (with her help) I realized we were in this together. We made our daughter together so we both need to take responsibility, be it a little or a lot. Once we talked and came to an agreement it got so much easier. I might not contribute money but I bring a lot of value to the relationship, and I know she couldn't do it without me.

I also have post-partum depression. PLEASE talk to your doctor. Meds aren't for everyone but they're working for me, and I also went to some counseling sessions which really helped. It's like night and day mama. Getting back to your normal self, whether it be through counseling, medication or both, will completely change your perspective. Don't get me wrong, he still needs to help out and I agree with you, and at the same time getting a handle on your hormones (which is not your fault) will help you deal with this so much better.

You can pm me if you want to talk, for real. <3

by on Nov. 30, 2013 at 8:26 AM
Oh honey this song sounds so familiar to me...been there done that...i would put my foot down and tell him enoughs enough...u need help and either he can help or it wont get done...u did it when u supported the family and he cam do it now and if he dont want to help then jus dont do it...ive done this myslef eventually my fiance couldnt deal with stuff not being done and helped
by Member on Nov. 30, 2013 at 8:37 AM
He does this cause he cant be bothered and does not want to help. He is making excuses. Hes been told but still cant understand that he needs to parent. Keep explaining he needs to help.
by on Nov. 30, 2013 at 9:34 PM
My husband is the same way. He tells me he doesn't want to do anything with me & our girls cuz he spends the week doing things for everyone work. He says he can't watch our girls cuz he can't multitask. I wish he would just disappear most of the time. I wish you the best :)
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