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How do we talk to DH's 6 year old son about this?

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My dh has a 6 year old boy and since we have been together, his little boy has said nasty things and talks a lot about male and female private parts. He has gotten a lot better about it, but some of the things are disturbing. He used to constantly touch his 11 year old sister's butt. We put a stop to that. He once "accidentally" grabbed his brother's privates during bed time. And he is infatuated with my 3 year old niece.. She came over to play on our water slide a few months ago when she was still in diapers and her diaper got soaked and fell off. He stared at her privates with a curious look, but to me...it looked like more than just curiosity. My dh feels the same way sometimes. Well since that incident, nothing has happened...until Thanksgiving Day.

My sister, my niece, and my nephew came to our place for Thanksgiving. My sister came to me and my dh and said that she found them in the closet together. (Our 6 year old boy and her 3 year old daughter.) Well my dh called him into the kitchen, and ss ducked behind the crib and hid as if he knew he was doing something wrong. Dh called him again and he shook his head no. So dh started counting down from 5 and he finally came to dh. When dh asked him about it, he said he was hiding from her because she wouldn't leave him alone. He said it in a very quiet, guilty voice while looking down at the ground and playing with his hands.

My dh has no idea what to do about this.. We have had worries in our head a few times, but how do you approach a situation like this? Should we have a sit down with dh ex wife and her dh? I don't even know if they would agree to it, but should it be mentioned to them?
by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 2:43 PM
Replies (31-40):
Bellarose0212
by on Dec. 3, 2013 at 4:43 AM
1 mom liked this

Wow, the whole "playing doctor" thing is normal and does not indicate abuse. At 6, they do know about body parts and they are curious about them. I was masturbating at 4 and 5 and I was never abused.

My cousin and sister got naked at this age and put tattoos all over each other, especially bare bottoms. It freaked me out at the time (I was a few years older) but my mom kept saying it was normal.

Sounds normal and you should be open and honest with him, maybe get him a book that gives the proper names for body parts, while also giving boundaries (he doesn't touch others, especially without permission).

Unless there are some other signs of abuse, this sounds like normal kid curiousity about body parts.

eyes_on_jesus
by on Dec. 3, 2013 at 11:35 AM
I am not making excuses. Do you know how hard it is to see my husband torn to pieces over his children? It hurts. I cannot step in and make decisions about his kids. And he is afraid to lose his rights. I can only be supportive of my husband's decisions. I am not here to be badge or criticized...I'm looking for actual advice, so if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say a word.
You do not know the circumstances, so who are you to judge? (I'm not trying to offend you. I am just trying to get my point across. Sorry.)

Quoting erinsmom1964: Then run it by her after he is at your home. He is waving red flags at you guys and to sit there and say there is nothing you can do is bull. Make anonymous report SOMETHING. You are full if excuses but not any solutions. How can you live with yourself if he is being hurt?



Quoting eyes_on_jesus: She has primary custody and I have read and retread the papers from the court. He can only take him to emergency room without notice, but any appointment has to be run by her.





My husband can't do anything about that. He ha tried to talk to her about the kids and she won't reply. Her dh communicates with him about the kids. In my opinion, the bio parents should be the ones communicating. My dh agrees and has tried on different occasions. He also only gets to talk to his kids every Mon, Wed, and Fri between the hours of 6 and 8 pm. We pay for the kids to share a phone and most of the time tier mom and stepdad have it off. I often feel bad for my dh because he does not have the power to do much of anything. They have the control and he doesn't want to get taken to court and lose the rights he already has, so he doesn't try to start anything. And all I can do is be supportive of his decisions..





Quoting erinsmom1964: That us riduclious...so his FATHER is supposed to just sit by and hope he isn't being a abused? BULLSHIT







Quoting eyes_on_jesus: I wish we could. We only get him every 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend of the month and certain holidays. And we don't have the right to take him to a counselor without discussing it with his mom.









Quoting erinsmom1964: I raised three boys and never dealt with these issues I don't find it normal at all From what your describing with the lack of communication between the boys parents if it were me I would take him to a counselor and let them sort it out.
eyes_on_jesus
by on Dec. 3, 2013 at 11:39 AM
1 mom liked this
Thank you. I'm thinking of really sitting my dh down and explaining to him that he needs to make his ex wife listen. Lol. (As if it's possible to make someone do such a thing.) she is not a bad mom and I really like her, but it is hard for them to communicate since my dh was verbally abusive toward her. She doesn't trust him, which is understandable, but he is a changed man and I pray she sees that soon for the kid's sake.

Quoting surromama: I think he should see a counselor. There is curiosity and then there's beyond. It wouldn't hurt and maybe it can help. My step brothers talked about sex, body parts, etc a lot when I met them at 7 and 10. It wasn't from abuse, more of what they were around at their dads house. It turned into more. My sister and I were often molested by one of them. You need to figure it out before he acts on thoughts at school. Good luck.
eyes_on_jesus
by on Dec. 3, 2013 at 11:41 AM
Any good book suggestions for this?

Quoting Bellarose0212:

Wow, the whole "playing doctor" thing is normal and does not indicate abuse. At 6, they do know about body parts and they are curious about them. I was masturbating at 4 and 5 and I was never abused.

My cousin and sister got naked at this age and put tattoos all over each other, especially bare bottoms. It freaked me out at the time (I was a few years older) but my mom kept saying it was normal.

Sounds normal and you should be open and honest with him, maybe get him a book that gives the proper names for body parts, while also giving boundaries (he doesn't touch others, especially without permission).

Unless there are some other signs of abuse, this sounds like normal kid curiousity about body parts.

MotherOfPurpose
by Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 12:24 PM

First ...Investigate make sure nothing shady is going on, if not and if it normal curiousity then discuss it with him either with or without the help of a counseler if you feel comfortable.

The main thing is if nothing shady is going on and its just normal curiousity, then you should discuss privacy and bounderies and his personal space vs others personal space(based on your post if abuse is ruled out sounds like this is where there is a lack of understanding on the 6yr olds part) in the context of not being ashamed of your body.

erinsmom1964
by Gold Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 2:06 PM

I did give advise and you give excuses as to why it can't be done. Still trying to comprehend how an anonymous report would jeopardize custody.  I pray that child isn't or hadn't been abused and the people who should protect didn't sit on their hands while he suffers.  

Quoting eyes_on_jesus: I am not making excuses. Do you know how hard it is to see my husband torn to pieces over his children? It hurts. I cannot step in and make decisions about his kids. And he is afraid to lose his rights. I can only be supportive of my husband's decisions. I am not here to be badge or criticized...I'm looking for actual advice, so if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say a word.
You do not know the circumstances, so who are you to judge? (I'm not trying to offend you. I am just trying to get my point across. Sorry.)

Quoting erinsmom1964: Then run it by her after he is at your home. He is waving red flags at you guys and to sit there and say there is nothing you can do is bull. Make anonymous report SOMETHING. You are full if excuses but not any solutions. How can you live with yourself if he is being hurt?



Quoting eyes_on_jesus: She has primary custody and I have read and retread the papers from the court. He can only take him to emergency room without notice, but any appointment has to be run by her.





My husband can't do anything about that. He ha tried to talk to her about the kids and she won't reply. Her dh communicates with him about the kids. In my opinion, the bio parents should be the ones communicating. My dh agrees and has tried on different occasions. He also only gets to talk to his kids every Mon, Wed, and Fri between the hours of 6 and 8 pm. We pay for the kids to share a phone and most of the time tier mom and stepdad have it off. I often feel bad for my dh because he does not have the power to do much of anything. They have the control and he doesn't want to get taken to court and lose the rights he already has, so he doesn't try to start anything. And all I can do is be supportive of his decisions..





Quoting erinsmom1964: That us riduclious...so his FATHER is supposed to just sit by and hope he isn't being a abused? BULLSHIT







Quoting eyes_on_jesus: I wish we could. We only get him every 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend of the month and certain holidays. And we don't have the right to take him to a counselor without discussing it with his mom.









Quoting erinsmom1964: I raised three boys and never dealt with these issues I don't find it normal at all From what your describing with the lack of communication between the boys parents if it were me I would take him to a counselor and let them sort it out.


aj_mom
by Bronze Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 3:08 PM

Maybe talk to your pedi or a counselor. They may be able to refer you to someone that can find out if something happened.

proudmommytoOJ
by Silver Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 3:23 PM
A conversation with his mom n step dad is a must. A second conversation between you, your husband and him is a must too. My son is 6 and we have clear conversations with him. He knows what's private and whatnot.
JTE11
by Bronze Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 3:32 PM
2 moms liked this

I think my initial response would be to sit him down and have a discussion about private body parts, but be kind and informative about it. I think I'd let him know men have penises and women have vaginas, and it's OK to be curious about them but if he has questions he should come to you (a parent/adult) to ask and not be trying to get into or see into other childrens' pants. I would let him know that those areas are not bad or shameful but that they are special and that's why they are meant to be more private. I think I'd add some basic rules for him, like no touching other people there, no taking other people's pants down to look, that kind of thing (whatever you feel is appropriate). I think maybe having a discussion like that, plus telling him what he can do if he is curious about it (come to you about it) might help. He might be intensely curious but have no idea how to go about learning more. Giving him more info plus telling him what to do might help keep him from trying to do things privately and feel guilty or bad about it.  Talking with his mother would be a must, and let her know that since this has been an issue in your home you two decided you needed to address it and that this is what was decided to be done and that she can go along with it or not, but I'd at least let her know what's been going on.

Bellarose0212
by on Dec. 3, 2013 at 8:18 PM

http://robieharris.com/?page_id=221 sorry can't make clicky from here

Quoting eyes_on_jesus: Any good book suggestions for this?

Quoting Bellarose0212:

Wow, the whole "playing doctor" thing is normal and does not indicate abuse. At 6, they do know about body parts and they are curious about them. I was masturbating at 4 and 5 and I was never abused.

My cousin and sister got naked at this age and put tattoos all over each other, especially bare bottoms. It freaked me out at the time (I was a few years older) but my mom kept saying it was normal.

Sounds normal and you should be open and honest with him, maybe get him a book that gives the proper names for body parts, while also giving boundaries (he doesn't touch others, especially without permission).

Unless there are some other signs of abuse, this sounds like normal kid curiousity about body parts.


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