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What would you do?

Posted by on Dec. 8, 2013 at 2:43 PM
  • 21 Replies

Ok, so we have had major problems with the inlaws.  MIL constantly insults and disrespects me.  The last time it happened, I finally put my foot down and said she no longer is welcome in my home until she apologizes.  That was 7 months ago.  So now my inlaws, BIL and SIL have turned against me because I stuck to my guns and didn't invite MIL to my sons first birthday at my house.  I have let them have the kids but the last time they had them they made a statement to them about the situation saying, "sometimes adults act like children." My 11 year old got the distinct feeling they were referring to us and not them.  Either way, I don't feel as if it is there place to discuss the situation with the kids. Many family members have also been telling us that my SIL has been bad mouthing us to everyone in the family.  Now, they ( inlaws and SIL) are asking to take the kids for the day into NYC to see the tree and I don't want the kids to go unless my husband goes.  He says he can't go cause he is working (he takes off for other things). There is so many more details but I didn't want to get to long winded.

Would you let them go?

by on Dec. 8, 2013 at 2:43 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Bleacheddecay
by Silver Member on Dec. 8, 2013 at 2:57 PM

I would not let them go. There is NO reason to expose your children to people who are going to continue to run their mother down like that. That's poison to a child.

Keda84
by Member on Dec. 8, 2013 at 3:01 PM
I would not let them go who knows what they will tell your kids.
Bknotnobody
by Bronze Member on Dec. 8, 2013 at 3:02 PM
No I wouldn't let them go.
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anotherandree
by Inga on Dec. 8, 2013 at 3:04 PM

A few months ago I put up some very clear boundaries with my mother and she disrepected them so I told her we needed to be done for at least some time while I cooled off.  She freaked out and disowned me as did my brother, which is pretty much the whole of my family.  The reason I am telling you this is because my mother and I still came to am agreement that she could have contact with my children as long and BOTH of agrees to NEVER MENTION the other in a negative manner (in fact, we rarely mention the other at all).  There is the understanding that if she bad mouths me to my children, she will NEVER have contact with them again.  Period.  (In fact, a restraining order will be placed.)  

Could you have a similar talk with your in-laws since this disagreement is like the elephant in the room?  Also, it sounds like they want to do fun things with your children.

hemanclub
by on Dec. 8, 2013 at 3:15 PM

We actually did have an agreement and she followed it the first time but not the second.  Part of the problem is my SIL too. She has no boundaries with my kids.  One time she had them and brought them home with there hair buzzed completely off because she felt they needed a haircut but she messed up and had to put the clippers on the lowest setting.  She never apologized and my husband told me to let it go.  I have been letting everything go for 14 years.

Quoting anotherandree:

A few months ago I put up some very clear boundaries with my mother and she disrepected them so I told her we needed to be done for at least some time while I cooled off.  She freaked out and disowned me as did my brother, which is pretty much the whole of my family.  The reason I am telling you this is because my mother and I still came to am agreement that she could have contact with my children as long and BOTH of agrees to NEVER MENTION the other in a negative manner (in fact, we rarely mention the other at all).  There is the understanding that if she bad mouths me to my children, she will NEVER have contact with them again.  Period.  (In fact, a restraining order will be placed.)  

Could you have a similar talk with your in-laws since this disagreement is like the elephant in the room?  Also, it sounds like they want to do fun things with your children.


anotherandree
by Inga on Dec. 8, 2013 at 3:16 PM
1 mom liked this

Then, HELL NO, I would not be letting my kids go anywhere with them!

Quoting hemanclub:

We actually did have an agreement and she followed it the first time but not the second.  Part of the problem is my SIL too. She has no boundaries with my kids.  One time she had them and brought them home with there hair buzzed completely off because she felt they needed a haircut but she messed up and had to put the clippers on the lowest setting.  She never apologized and my husband told me to let it go.  I have been letting everything go for 14 years.

Quoting anotherandree:

A few months ago I put up some very clear boundaries with my mother and she disrepected them so I told her we needed to be done for at least some time while I cooled off.  She freaked out and disowned me as did my brother, which is pretty much the whole of my family.  The reason I am telling you this is because my mother and I still came to am agreement that she could have contact with my children as long and BOTH of agrees to NEVER MENTION the other in a negative manner (in fact, we rarely mention the other at all).  There is the understanding that if she bad mouths me to my children, she will NEVER have contact with them again.  Period.  (In fact, a restraining order will be placed.)  

Could you have a similar talk with your in-laws since this disagreement is like the elephant in the room?  Also, it sounds like they want to do fun things with your children.



grannywilson
by Member on Dec. 8, 2013 at 3:23 PM

I have watched several Dr. Phil programs along these lines(lol).  He would say that the problem needs to be fixed by your husband.  He needs to talk to his family and find out what is going on....This situation will be hurtful to your kids if it continues.  They already think it is their fault.  Get him involved.  If they can talk with out attacking it would be helpful.  I know this hurts him as well. This is his family.  

hemanclub
by on Dec. 8, 2013 at 3:31 PM

He talked to them.  His mother says this is the way she is and we need to accept it.  He blames himself for letting it go on for so long.  He feels as if he had nipped it in the bud years ago then it would not have escalated to this extent.  I have been really good to his family!  Helping them out whenever needed.  I did a ton for SIL as well.  He sees how much I have done, more then anybody including himself, which is why he is finally opening his mouth. He is hurt but the kids are so far ok.  Two have no clue and the oldest does but I have told him that although I admit, I am not fond of them, he is absolutely allowed to like them and not to worry about it.  I have to admit, I come from a similar situation.  They definitely don't think anything is their fault.

Quoting grannywilson:

I have watched several Dr. Phil programs along these lines(lol).  He would say that the problem needs to be fixed by your husband.  He needs to talk to his family and find out what is going on....This situation will be hurtful to your kids if it continues.  They already think it is their fault.  Get him involved.  If they can talk with out attacking it would be helpful.  I know this hurts him as well. This is his family.  


AM-BRAT
by Amber on Dec. 8, 2013 at 3:32 PM
1 mom liked this

These things happen. The best case scenario is that your dh intervenes and handles it by either saying he won't accept people disrespecting his family or you pretty much continue down this slope. Many of us have been there. Mine fortunately turned out well and most of us moved on in a very positive way. 

Without also being long winded, I just wish you luck mama. It can be so complicated. Overall I wouldn't be sending my kids with them alone in a volitile family state. But then *I* wouldn't be going either just because I wouldn't enjoy the company in your shoes. 

Find something else your dh and them can do together when he's available and just try to remain onthe upside there lady. Gl.  :)

Bmat
by Barb on Dec. 8, 2013 at 3:35 PM

I would be inclined to want one of their parents, you or your husband, there considering the circumstances. Before this discord gets worse, it may be a good idea to try to reconcile if you possibly can, not right now necessarily , but early in the next year or before Christmas.

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