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please help, i dont know what to do anymore...

Posted by on Jan. 14, 2014 at 11:56 PM
  • 58 Replies
My step daughter punched me in the face today while trying to get her to go to her room. The conversation started over her taking her tablet to school today after she was just told yesterday that she could not until her father and I discussed it. She started back talking me and yelling at me when I hadn't even started yelling at her. I just wanted an explaination as to why she felt it was a good idea to completely disobey what I had just told her.

So I asked her to go to her room, its a good way to allow her to calm down and for me to not start yelling back because its exactly what she wants. She refused to go and I was told my dh that if she refuses, to take her to her room. So I took her armms and started to walk her to her room and she turned around and punched me.

I ended up holding her down and called dh's work to find out he's on his way home. She started complaining about wanting to be let go. I asked her if she would go to her room and she said "yes". I let her go and stood up and she immediately charged at me. I held her down again to keep her from hitting me. She complained she was getting warm, which I understood be cause I was sweating too. So I asked "are you going to come at me again?" Her reply "no". Once again I let her go and once again she came at me. So I held her down again until her father got home and I knew I was safe.

She's 11 years old and I know she has the ability to be a good kid. She's had issues before nd goes to anger management group counseling. I felt like it was working until recently when she started to go back to her angry self. I've suggested to dh one on one counseling because I think bipolar COULD be a play in it, but of course, I'm not a therapist so I can't guarentee.

However, my issue is idk what to do anymore. She acts like she has authority in the house over everyone else and treats everyone with the most disrespect possible then wonders why she gets none in return. Plus she told dh today that she doesn't want me here and I don't care abaout her. I do...I just don't know how to prove it when she's acting that way. Is there another way I could approach this? Her grandma keeps telling me to leave her be, well, I would if she would go to her room. She's not going to have rule on the house until she feels ready to listen again. That's just asking for more trouble.

Sorry for the long post, but seriously, any advice? Btw, I don't smack them. I don't feel its right since I didn't give birth to them... oh and lastly, dh has custody because her bio mom let some guy beat my sd when she was 8 and I found out her bio mom was abuseing her about a month ago and we had to contact cps.


Edit** I talked to her group counselor today. She is getting a referral for one on one counseling AS WELL AS family counseling. After reading the suggests for family therapy, it seems to be the best option so we can know how to handle her outbursts.

Also, I believe I had read something about me hitting her? I did not. Its not an approach I take with her or my ss either. Thank you everyone that offered support and advice!! I'm hopeful we can eventually get this all taken care of...
by on Jan. 14, 2014 at 11:56 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Jan. 15, 2014 at 12:14 AM
3 moms liked this

Your step daughter has been VERY damaged by her bio mom and the man who beat her. Has she been diagnosed with anything? She is going to need lots of help, I feel sorry for both of you, I don't really have any advice other than to be consistent and keep calling dh for backup. Keep telling her you expect good behavior, keep the routines the same, get her evaluated by an expert, family counseling would be good too. I know what you are up against, I can't handle my Grandson, he is 10, by myself anymore, when he gets angry. His biomom abandoned him, his stepmom beat him unconscious, he has a cauliflower ear because of it, and feels like a freak, and then bullies some other kids. Sorry, didn't mean to make this about me, but I do understand your frustration.

sarahfaith123
by Sarah on Jan. 15, 2014 at 12:18 AM
So she was abused? That's probably part of it. The poor girl, I would continue with the therapy. Maybe you could go to a session yourself to get some strategies. I think you're right she should be able to learn simple rules like not allowed a tablet @ school etc. I'm sorry she punched you, that's terrible. She is basing her behavior on what she was taught in the past unfortunately (I'm guessing)
katarina666
by New Member on Jan. 15, 2014 at 12:29 AM

I'd be scared to have her in my house.

rgba
by Bronze Member on Jan. 15, 2014 at 12:31 AM
She was abused. You shouldn't be putting your hands on her at all. Get her to a therapist asap.
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Linda733
by on Jan. 15, 2014 at 12:45 AM

Poor child. This type of thing happens so often to helpless innocent children and it hurts me to hear. Are you able to sit her down and talk to her calmly? Let her know you aren't there to harm her and that you love and only wants what's best. Try to let her know that she is safe with you and you are there to protect her from any harm. I agree she needs counseling to try and help her deal with what she has been through and to help her heal. I just thought maybe trying to communicate and getting her to trust you may help. Perhaps take her out just the two of you for a girls day and have some fun and work on bonding with her. Just a thought 

JAMom07
by on Jan. 15, 2014 at 1:03 AM

BUMP!

a_and_j_momma
by Gold Member on Jan. 15, 2014 at 1:04 AM
I know you said she is in therapy but is she seeing a psychiatrist?
Sbellemommy
by Member on Jan. 15, 2014 at 1:13 AM
1 mom liked this
If she hadn't been abused in the past I would tell you to beat her ass. Frankly if a kid punched me in the face, regardless of the circumstances, I probably would have. Besides therapy I don't know what you can do. I would take away every.possession she holds dear indefinitely. She could earn things back as she learns how to behave. For example the room to her door. That behavior is absolutely unacceptable regardless of her previous abuse.
korra2013
by on Jan. 15, 2014 at 1:25 AM
3 moms liked this
There is no way i would allow a kid to put their hands on me period. From what you described she would've got the ass whooping to end all ass whoopings. Just because she had a tough time in life is no excuse for that behavior. Her dad needs to straighten her out. What if she comes at you with a knife? I say if her grandma wants to say let her be, send her there
Busymomma1988
by on Jan. 15, 2014 at 9:13 AM
I totally understand what you meant. And it actually relieves me in some way to know I'm not the only one having issues. Ty for the support. I've considered family counseling but everytime I've started looking into it, whatever the issue was that made me think we needed it ended up sorting itself out and I had thought it was just the whole getting used to having me around but I'm starting to see that might not be the case.

Quoting Lindalou907:

Your step daughter has been VERY damaged by her bio mom and the man who beat her. Has she been diagnosed with anything? She is going to need lots of help, I feel sorry for both of you, I don't really have any advice other than to be consistent and keep calling dh for backup. Keep telling her you expect good behavior, keep the routines the same, get her evaluated by an expert, family counseling would be good too. I know what you are up against, I can't handle my Grandson, he is 10, by myself anymore, when he gets angry. His biomom abandoned him, his stepmom beat him unconscious, he has a cauliflower ear because of it, and feels like a freak, and then bullies some other kids. Sorry, didn't mean to make this about me, but I do understand your frustration.

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