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Hi Ladies!

Posted by on Jan. 16, 2014 at 8:33 AM
  • 5 Replies

Good morning, ladies!  I am brand new to this board and really need some advice!  PLEASE HELP BEFORE I LOSE MY MIND!

My 18 year old daughter has lived with me her entire life.  She has never lived with her dad.  My boyfriend and I bought a 2000 Ford Focus 2 Summers ago for $2,600 and I had to dump $800 into the car just to get it in good running condition right after we purchased the vehicle.  The Focus was meant to be my car.  However, I have had so many health issues in the past 2 years (benign brain tumor, severe anemia, blood transfusions, colonoscopies, endoscopies, IV iron infusions, a painful bone marrow biopsy, Interstitial Cystitis, and have lost 40 pounds while going through all of this.  I am a size zero and 5'9" tall!  I look awful!)

My two daughters, 18 and 16 have lived with me since their father and I divorced in 1999.  So, this is my dilemma.  I have not been able to work with all of my health issues and my boyfriend pays child support for his two children and thus does not have money to help out my children.  I understand that.  My ex husband used to pay me $860 per month in child support.  For the last 4 years, he has only had to pay $298 for our daughters because he and his wife work for the same company and my ex husband's lawyer told me flat out that my ex could HIDE his income under his wife's name in order to pay way less child support!  I could not believe he could do that....but he did!

My ex has ALWAYS told our daughters that once they turn 18, they are adults and can do whatever they want!  I have never agreed to the doing whatever they want part.......but my 18 year old daughter took his advice literally.  She has been driving my car for school and for work every single day since my boyfriend and I bought the car.  She always told me that she loved the car, and I always told her that is was basically her car but my name was on the title.  I have NEVER told my daughter that she could not drive the car......especially since I literally only use it for dr. appointments.  So, my 18 year old has been driving the car exclusively for a year and a half!  My boyfriend and I have told her time and time again that since it is an old vehicle with 275,000 miles on it, she has to be responsible and take care of the car.  She has not taken care of the vehicle AT ALL!  No oil changes, no tune ups, she has broken several things inside of the car, it is a complete mess, etc.

My daughter announced to me a week ago that she was going to get a "new" car and that her dad was going to help her pay for it!  WHAT????  She had a car, drove it every single day, and basically drove the car into the ground.  It still runs, but the engine revs so loud and it is quite apparent it needs to be looked at by a Certified Mechanic and fixed very soon!  My problem is this:  When my daughter declared that she was getting a "new" car for $2,000, I told her that she has one right outside that needed to be fixed so that it is in good running condition BEFORE she even thought about buying another $2,000 car that is only going to be problem after problem!  She made a verbal agreement in front of me, my boyfriend, and my 16 year old......that she would take the car to a Mechanic and have it fixed.  My ex has told her that she is an adult and can get another car if she wants one!  To me an adult is someone who takes care of their old responsibilities (fixing the car) before she moves on to get another vehicle that will have all sorts of problems since she only has $2,000.  I believe it will cost at least $700 or more to get the car that she solely drove up and running well again!  

Well, she left that very night.......WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME!  I had no idea where she was at midnight!  I asked my 16 year old where her sister was and she said, "She went to daddy's house.".  OMG!  Not only did she not tell me where she was going, but her dad did not have the common courtesy to let me know either!!!

I have to add this because I feel that it is important.  My ex has filed for bankruptcy twice along with his wife.  She had her house foreclosed upon before they got married.  They have both had their cars repossessed, and had a $75,000 lawsuit against them.  I do not know what it is in regards to.  

What is my ex teaching our daughter????  That she can just leave all of her old responsibilities behind and move on to new ones!  In essence he is teaching her that if you get in trouble financially, just file bankruptcy and it will all go away!  I AM ABSOLUTELY LIVID!

I have not seen my daughter in a week!  She is now living with her dad!  Instead of living with me, taking care of the car, which is her obligation, and being less than a mile from school and work.......she lives 30 miles one way to school and work and is driving her step-mom's car!  She has texted me some of the nastiest texts ever in the past week!  She will not talk to me on the phone!  This situation is causing me so mich stress!  When I am stressed like this, I do not sleep, I lose even more weight, and all of my health issues are multiplied!  Why did her dad do this?  If it's not broke, don't fix it!  But now she is coming over this weekend to pick up all of her stuff in her bedroom!

I feel that I am trying to save my daughter from a lifetime starting out with debt!  Her dad just tells me that she can do whatever she wants and that he is helping her buy a "new" car for $2,000!!!

Any thoughts, comments or advice would be greatly appreciated!  I am just a mess over this!









by on Jan. 16, 2014 at 8:33 AM
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Replies (1-5):
Bmat
by Barb on Jan. 16, 2014 at 4:00 PM

As difficult as it is, she is no longer a minor, and she needs to make decisions and suffer the consequences. I don't see what you can do anyway. Try to breathe, and hope that she'll learn. You have taught her your values and policies, if she chooses to ignore them now because of her father's values and policies, it is beyond your control.

LuLuRex
by Bronze Member on Jan. 16, 2014 at 4:02 PM

Hello and welcome!

I would be livid too, but it sounds like she needs to see that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Her dad will enable her only up to a certain point and only seem cool for so long. 

LancesMom
by Gold Member on Jan. 17, 2014 at 10:29 AM

That would make me mad! Hugs Mama!


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vbway
by on Jan. 17, 2014 at 10:43 AM

I can see why you are upset. But you don't really have many options here. She is an adult now. Sounds like she is going to have to learn the hard way that the easy way is not always the best way. If I were you, I would let it go. And then just give it time. Hopefully she will come to her senses. And even if she doesn't make this right, hopefully she will at least apologize after she matures a bit more. 

amonkeymom
by Silver Member on Jan. 17, 2014 at 3:05 PM

It's hard but I agree with this.

Quoting vbway:

I can see why you are upset. But you don't really have many options here. She is an adult now. Sounds like she is going to have to learn the hard way that the easy way is not always the best way. If I were you, I would let it go. And then just give it time. Hopefully she will come to her senses. And even if she doesn't make this right, hopefully she will at least apologize after she matures a bit more. 


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