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Was a chunk of my marriage fake?

Posted by on Jan. 21, 2014 at 2:03 PM
  • 24 Replies

Ok so my husband and I have been married for 10 years. We were very young when we got married he was 20 and I was 21. About 7 years ago we hit a really rough patch. He was in the coast guard and he got stationed on a small cutter and he was the only one on his crew that was married. So he was hanging out with nothing but single guys while I stayed home with the baby. He started drinking a lot and our son was only a year old. So I gave him the choice to either quit drinking  and going out with the single guys or I was going to leave with our son. He told me he loved me and wanted me to stay he would give it up. So of that's what we did. I stayed, he quit going out with the guys and getting drunk and we worked things out. Let me clarify that I never wanted to actually leave my husband. I always was in love with him but as a responsible parent I felt my only options were to give him those 2 choices. I couldn't have my son growing up in an home with an alcoholic.

Fast forward to last Saturday.....

We were talking to some friends of ours that are getting married this September. They were telling us that they almost split up a year ago and the fact that they stuck it out and worked through it made their relationship stronger and they knew they could make it through things together. So my husband decides to tell them about our rough patch but he then says that 7 years ago when we hit our rough patch that he didn't actually want to stay with me but he did because of our son. 

This floored me I had no idea that he didn't actually want to be with me. He never once said this when we were having problems. He always said that he loved me and wanted to be with me. That he wanted to work on our marriage. So I talked to him last night and I told him that I had no idea and he said he is glad he lied because we worked through our problems and he loves me and our life together. That he loves me more than anything. He wasn't trying to hurt my feelings he was just trying to make a point of saying that if you stick it out and don't walk away that things can end up being great.

but all I can think is how many times did he say I love you and not mean it? How many pictures do I have that we're completely fake smiles? How long did I live with a man who didn't want to be with me? Was his drinking really the problem or was he drinking because he was so unhappy with me? I feel like a chunk of our marriage was fake. Am I over reacting or does this warrant more discussion between us?

by on Jan. 21, 2014 at 2:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Member on Jan. 21, 2014 at 3:00 PM


by Bronze Member on Jan. 21, 2014 at 3:07 PM

Wow.. I totally understand ur feelings.. I would have a lot of doubt and questions too.. 

by on Jan. 21, 2014 at 4:02 PM
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No your not over reacting at all becsuse how he felt then can still very well be the same today. But excuse me with this he is a fool for saying too plus in fornt of friends if he had really want to say this to you he should of said in private with both you and him alone. Smh i feel your pain.
by on Jan. 21, 2014 at 4:17 PM

No it wasn't fake. Sometimes 2 people in a marriage grow apart. If you work on it, like you two did, then its entirely possible to grow back together again. There would be fewer divorces if more people gave it a chance instead of jumping ship at the first sign of trouble.

"One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.  ~Judith Viorst"

by Barb on Jan. 21, 2014 at 4:31 PM

How very cruel of him to say such a thing. My guess is that he resented your giving him the ultimatum all those years ago (which I think you were right to do) and that it has festered all of this time and he just let it out. You and he need counseling.  I am sorry that you have had this happen, it has to be terribly hurtful.

by Bronze Member on Jan. 21, 2014 at 4:52 PM
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My husband and I had a rough patch last year (7-8 years is apparently a really common time for it), and if not for the kids I would not have stayed and neither would he . Didn't mean I didn't love him, I did. I was just on the brink... Ready to be happy again because we were not happy together. I pushed through and past the hurt and we're doing very well.

I wouldn't take this to heart or hold it against him. It sounds like he was very confused. But, he didn't give up... He stood up to his responsibilities and you got through it. Live for the future, not for the past, who cares how you got here.
by Member on Jan. 21, 2014 at 5:02 PM
by on Jan. 21, 2014 at 6:19 PM

I wouldn't think of it as fact, I really commend him for sticking it out and figuring a way through his issues.  I think a lot of couples go through these patches and a lot of them just jump ship.  I'm surprised he did this on his own.  A lot of people need to see a marriage counselor.  I can see why you would feel that way, but try to look at it from another perspective.  You never had to hear the devastating words "I don't love you anymore" or "I want a divorce."  He worked through it without hurting you.  Blessings!

by Member on Jan. 21, 2014 at 6:20 PM

Really ??? Every one has ups and downs and who the hell knows if what they said was even true !  

by Mom2boys on Jan. 21, 2014 at 8:35 PM
Everyone has their moments. He explained and I get his explanation entirely. There were times I only stayed married because of our son. Glad I stayed because I ended up with a great marriage and a guy I can't imagine life without him.
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