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New rules...feeling defeated.

Posted by on Feb. 26, 2014 at 5:44 PM
  • 42 Replies
1 mom liked this

I really wish I could do this anon but I think I will get more advice here and less judging...just hopeful we shall see.

I have a 8 year old boy that has ADHD, and Sensory Processing Disorder and possibly some other things. I am homeschooling and meeting with a behaviour coach she has given me new coping rules. He is a bolter so I am suppose to let him (if its upstairs or the back of the couch) and follow at a safe distance if he bolts outside.

If he refuses to do work I am suppose to simply say "I am sorry you feel that way" I just dont see this working out. How is he suppose to get work done if I let him just take off upstairs and not do work?

 

I really need some help. I have no one to turn to I am a single mom. I dont want my son labled as a "brat or troubled" kid so I dont want to turn to anyone like family or friends.

So I am turning to a bunch of strangers who can help me or judge...

This week long headach isnt helping any either.

So do any one else have "special needs" kids...how do you get them to follow the rules and do work?

by on Feb. 26, 2014 at 5:44 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Megs5384
by Member on Feb. 26, 2014 at 6:06 PM
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I don't have any experience with special needs children. The only thing I would maybe do is try asking the behavior coach what the rules are supposed to be teaching him. Why is this the process she is recommending. I'm sure you asked questions, but did you ask her specifically how these rules will help? I'm not sure I'm making sense, so here's an example.. If my son throws a fit while we're playing a game, he gets time out in hopes that he will process it as "I can't scream and yell if I don't like how the game is going. If I do, I don't get to play anymore." and the behavior will stop. So, if your son doesn't want to do his work, and he decides to bolt upstairs, what is you allowing him to do so, teaching him? To me, it sounds like it would just teach him that if he doesn't want to, he doesn't have to. There doesn't seem to be consequences. I would be curious to hear the rational behind the method.

I hope that someone else can help you, I know my response probably didn't get you anywhere. I'm sorry! Hang in there mama!

(edited to fix grammar! lol)

Retrokitty
by Bronze Member on Feb. 26, 2014 at 6:22 PM
1 mom liked this
Children with ADHD and SPD will become overwhelmed very quickly. If she made him sit and do is work chances are he would have a physical and or emotional melt down. Either way he wouldn't be able to work. It's better that he bolt to a safe place. I'm sure for him that's his coping mechanism. He would probably ca down much faster in a place he feels safe rather than a place he feels threatened in.

OP my suggestion would be to create a safe place for him. Children with ADHD and SPD often like small dark places. I would designate a room to him and either make or buy some toys meant to help children with autisim and ADHD cope. That way he can go there if he's overwhelmed. And if that doesn't work )if he bolts too much) use it as a bonus. "If you finish this lesson you can go into the room for 10 minutes a a treat"


Quoting Megs5384:

I don't have any experience with special needs children. The only thing I would maybe do is try asking the behavior coach what the rules are supposed to be teaching him. Why is this the process she is recommending. I'm sure you asked questions, but did you ask her specifically how these rules will help? I'm not sure I'm making sense, so here's an example.. If my son throws a fit while we're playing a game, he gets time out in hopes that he will process it as "I can't scream and yell if I don't like how the game is going. If I do, I don't get to play anymore." and the behavior will stop. So, if your son doesn't want to do his work, and he decides to bolt upstairs, what is you allowing him to do so, teaching him? To me, it sounds like it would just teach him that if he doesn't want to, he doesn't have to. There doesn't seem to be consequences. I would be curious to hear the rational behind the method.

I hope that someone else can help you, I know my response probably didn't get you anywhere. I'm sorry! Hang in there mama!

(edited to fix grammar! lol)

Megs5384
by Member on Feb. 26, 2014 at 6:57 PM
1 mom liked this

I hope my response didn't come across as if I think he should be punished if he doesn't do work or that he should be made to stay in an uncomfortable situation! OP, I'm sorry if it did! That's not what I meant at all.

I can totally understand that bolting is his coping mechanism and having a safe place for him to go is important. I guess a better way to say what I'm wondering is how is this method supposed to be helping him to work through the getting overwhelmed feelings? I agree he needs to be able to have a way to signal "hey, I'm not liking this! This feels..." scary/weird/frustrating, ect. But once he's there, what's the next step in the process and how does she help him through it so that he can eventually learn to help himself through those feelings? Does that make more sense?

I'm not judging or trying to be snooty. I'm genuinly curious and this would be the questions I would ask if I were in the OP's position.

Quoting Retrokitty: Children with ADHD and SPD will become overwhelmed very quickly. If she made him sit and do is work chances are he would have a physical and or emotional melt down. Either way he wouldn't be able to work. It's better that he bolt to a safe place. I'm sure for him that's his coping mechanism. He would probably ca down much faster in a place he feels safe rather than a place he feels threatened in. OP my suggestion would be to create a safe place for him. Children with ADHD and SPD often like small dark places. I would designate a room to him and either make or buy some toys meant to help children with autisim and ADHD cope. That way he can go there if he's overwhelmed. And if that doesn't work )if he bolts too much) use it as a bonus. "If you finish this lesson you can go into the room for 10 minutes a a treat"
Quoting Megs5384:

I don't have any experience with special needs children. The only thing I would maybe do is try asking the behavior coach what the rules are supposed to be teaching him. Why is this the process she is recommending. I'm sure you asked questions, but did you ask her specifically how these rules will help? I'm not sure I'm making sense, so here's an example.. If my son throws a fit while we're playing a game, he gets time out in hopes that he will process it as "I can't scream and yell if I don't like how the game is going. If I do, I don't get to play anymore." and the behavior will stop. So, if your son doesn't want to do his work, and he decides to bolt upstairs, what is you allowing him to do so, teaching him? To me, it sounds like it would just teach him that if he doesn't want to, he doesn't have to. There doesn't seem to be consequences. I would be curious to hear the rational behind the method.

I hope that someone else can help you, I know my response probably didn't get you anywhere. I'm sorry! Hang in there mama!

(edited to fix grammar! lol)


Mishy2
by Michelle on Feb. 26, 2014 at 8:36 PM

I have an 8 year old son who was diagnosed with both ADHD and high functioning Autism. When he has homework he tries every avoidance tactic necessary so I know how you feel momma. I am at a loss sometimes as to how to get him to complete his work, apart from the "if you don't do your homework now then no video games, no tv time, no _____".. to try and encourage him to do his work or he gets loss of privileges. It is hard as sometimes he would rather miss out on privileges than to do his homework, so I agree it is difficult. 

Quoting Connorsmommy13:

I really wish I could do this anon but I think I will get more advice here and less judging...just hopeful we shall see.

I have a 8 year old boy that has ADHD, and Sensory Processing Disorder and possibly some other things. I am homeschooling and meeting with a behaviour coach she has given me new coping rules. He is a bolter so I am suppose to let him (if its upstairs or the back of the couch) and follow at a safe distance if he bolts outside.

If he refuses to do work I am suppose to simply say "I am sorry you feel that way" I just dont see this working out. How is he suppose to get work done if I let him just take off upstairs and not do work?

 

I really need some help. I have no one to turn to I am a single mom. I dont want my son labled as a "brat or troubled" kid so I dont want to turn to anyone like family or friends.

So I am turning to a bunch of strangers who can help me or judge...

This week long headach isnt helping any either.

So do any one else have "special needs" kids...how do you get them to follow the rules and do work?

 


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Megs5384
by Member on Feb. 26, 2014 at 10:42 PM

Bumping to hopefully get you some more advice..

Connorsmommy13
by Bronze Member on Feb. 27, 2014 at 2:39 AM

 

Quoting Megs5384:

I don't have any experience with special needs children. The only thing I would maybe do is try asking the behavior coach what the rules are supposed to be teaching him. Why is this the process she is recommending. I'm sure you asked questions, but did you ask her specifically how these rules will help? I'm not sure I'm making sense, so here's an example.. If my son throws a fit while we're playing a game, he gets time out in hopes that he will process it as "I can't scream and yell if I don't like how the game is going. If I do, I don't get to play anymore." and the behavior will stop. So, if your son doesn't want to do his work, and he decides to bolt upstairs, what is you allowing him to do so, teaching him? To me, it sounds like it would just teach him that if he doesn't want to, he doesn't have to. There doesn't seem to be consequences. I would be curious to hear the rational behind the method.

I hope that someone else can help you, I know my response probably didn't get you anywhere. I'm sorry! Hang in there mama!

(edited to fix grammar! lol)

 Sorry for the delay I went out....I youth lead on wednesday nights so its more stress.

I will be emailing the coach because he got no work done today because he took off upstairs and I am not suppose to chase him.

Thank you...it is hard and it doesnt help that I am stressing about this and not sleeping, got a bad headach that is effecting my neck...

Connorsmommy13
by Bronze Member on Feb. 27, 2014 at 2:42 AM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting Retrokitty: Children with ADHD and SPD will become overwhelmed very quickly. If she made him sit and do is work chances are he would have a physical and or emotional melt down. Either way he wouldn't be able to work. It's better that he bolt to a safe place. I'm sure for him that's his coping mechanism. He would probably ca down much faster in a place he feels safe rather than a place he feels threatened in. OP my suggestion would be to create a safe place for him. Children with ADHD and SPD often like small dark places. I would designate a room to him and either make or buy some toys meant to help children with autisim and ADHD cope. That way he can go there if he's overwhelmed. And if that doesn't work )if he bolts too much) use it as a bonus. "If you finish this lesson you can go into the room for 10 minutes a a treat"

 Thank you for the ideas..I will try and create a safer place for him. I just feel so discouraged my mom (one of the only people I turend to with this) bascally told me that ADHD and SPD dont exist and if I would just cut out all orange food dyes and red food dyes then he would be cured.

My friends dont belive it exists either, neither with autisum so I really feel like I am all by myself.

Connorsmommy13
by Bronze Member on Feb. 27, 2014 at 2:44 AM

 

Quoting Megs5384:

I hope my response didn't come across as if I think he should be punished if he doesn't do work or that he should be made to stay in an uncomfortable situation! OP, I'm sorry if it did! That's not what I meant at all.

I can totally understand that bolting is his coping mechanism and having a safe place for him to go is important. I guess a better way to say what I'm wondering is how is this method supposed to be helping him to work through the getting overwhelmed feelings? I agree he needs to be able to have a way to signal "hey, I'm not liking this! This feels..." scary/weird/frustrating, ect. But once he's there, what's the next step in the process and how does she help him through it so that he can eventually learn to help himself through those feelings? Does that make more sense?

I'm not judging or trying to be snooty. I'm genuinly curious and this would be the questions I would ask if I were in the OP's position.

You didnt so dont worry thanks though.  We are suppose to have a "talk" after about how he is feeling, but I am just at a lost of what to do when he just refuses to do the work,,,

Connorsmommy13
by Bronze Member on Feb. 27, 2014 at 2:48 AM

 

Quoting Mishy2:

I have an 8 year old son who was diagnosed with both ADHD and high functioning Autism. When he has homework he tries every avoidance tactic necessary so I know how you feel momma. I am at a loss sometimes as to how to get him to complete his work, apart from the "if you don't do your homework now then no video games, no tv time, no _____".. to try and encourage him to do his work or he gets loss of privileges. It is hard as sometimes he would rather miss out on privileges than to do his homework, so I agree it is difficult. 

Thank you for replying is he a bolter too? I feel like I am such a failure because he is SO smart and could breeze through the work if he just DID IT. I tried the "Do this or you won't ______" and he just smirks at me "I am the boss of my own body and I want to do it so I will" or "Yep I will" then I feel like I have to win this battle of wills to get it through to him that I am the boss. I just feel so alone and defeated like I am a failure of a mom and that I am screwing him up for life.

JasonsMom2007
by Platinum Member on Feb. 27, 2014 at 3:30 AM

I have a little guy with spd too who I homeschool.  Last year was miserable for us but this year is much better.  You might have to change the curriculum up some to find what works for home.  Another thing I do is I set a timer for 30 minutes and if my son works hard and stays focused for those 30 minutes he gets a 5 minute break to do part of the video on adventuretofitness.com.  He loves the videos there and they get him moving!

Mine isn't a bolter.  He's an exploder.  If he gets overwhelemed he reacts suddenly and violently :(

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