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How do I get over the father of my kids?

Posted by on Jun. 15, 2014 at 6:14 AM
  • 20 Replies
The father of my children and I had been together for 6 years, today he decided he no longer wanted to be with me. I didn't see it coming, we were arguing but we have times when we argue and get over it. Today he told me he wants out, he doesn't even want to try to stay together. We have been fighting mainly because I want him to help around the house, put his phone down for once and pay attention to our daughter. Today he told me " I can't be the man you want me to be, I know I give up to easily". Please keep in mind I'm 8 months pregnant with our second child and he drops this bomb on me. I put up with so much for him to just give up so easily. (Yes he has agreed to give me full custody as long as he has visitation rights). My heart is torn in million different pieces, I can't sleep and I'm so depressed. To all the single mothers how did you get over this initial break up? I'm so devastated and I'm trying so hard not to break down, I really don't want to harm my unborn child.
by on Jun. 15, 2014 at 6:14 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 6:36 AM
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have any advice but hope all works out for you. I guess it's better that it happened now, rather than later on.
by on Jun. 15, 2014 at 10:23 AM
I would like to say I'm so sorry I am going through the same thing after 12 years being married he is waiting til after our daughters first birthday. He's all I have now so it's going to b so hard
by Ruby Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 10:32 AM

Just like anyone gets over any breakup.  Time heals and move on although you need to co parent for the sake of the kids.  Sounds like a loser.  Sorry he didn't wake up, or you before you got pregnant again. 

by Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 11:01 AM
3 moms liked this

 Did this happen during a fight? During a fight is not the best time to make decisions. 

My husband and I dropped the D word during our first year of marriage. I was pregnant during our first year, too and I had a son from a previous relationship. I was constantly berating him -with good reason - to do this, get better at that, work harder, asking him why he didn't play with my son more, etc. I know my reasons were good ones, but the way I was approaching it was making him feel torn down, unappreciated, like a loser. He broke down and told me he didn't want to stay in this because he felt he couldn't live up to my expectations. We separated for a bit during the pregnancy and it was rough. 

After the dust settled and we were calmer. I told him that we owed it to ourselves and the kids to make sure we have done everything in our power to salvage the committment we made to each other before we walk away. That if we walk away angry and upset, we will not have any closure and it will not help our co-parenting situation. He was very hesitant to go to counseling - flat out against it, really. He felt it wouldn't help, counseling was a joke, etc. I said it might be, but if we don't explore every avenue, down the road we will regret it. I told him that even if we decide to split after counseling, the counselor can give us tools to help us deal with a divorce and how to coparent better, et. After some persuasion, I convinced him to go to couple's counseling. The counselor was able to act as a translator for us, explain what he was going through to me and what I was experiencing to him. She gave us tools to better communicate, she helped us re prioritize and she did it in a way that didn't make my husband feel threatened or attacked. It really helped. 

The next year I saw an amazing transformation. My husband went from lacking drive and dedication and having an apathetic, detached attitude to a driven, family-oriented man. I also really changed the way I approached him. Instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to screw up again, I started believing in him, even when it was hard because he wasn't reliable in the past. It gave him the confidence to believe in himself. 

Have a real conversation with him, discuss the pros and cons of breaking up and find out what his real issue is. My husband was taught to be closed up and never learned to articulately communicate his wants and needs. Sometimes you have to love them through it and help them on their journey. 

I came from a terrible relationship with my son's father; my tolerance and patience for screwing up were at -4 and I was hardened more than I realized, even though we didn't start dating until a year and a half after I broke off my abusive relationship with my son's dad. My husband and I were both so busy making the other feel like shit and worrying about not getting what we wanted out of the relationship that we forgot why we fell in love. 

It can get better. *NOT BEING A HORMONAL MESS HELPS A LOT TOO* Trying to get my husband to understand I'm a mess when I'm pregnant was rough. Give it a time limit; they say that you should give it 1 year from the time you decide you want to leave each other to work on it before actually leaving each other. If it doesn't work, then you can start the healing process and separating paths. Unless he is beating you or hurting the kids or cheating, then you owe it to yourselves to try. 

Discuss it with him, ask him to hear you out, from one adult and parent to another. Because if you all could just be very hurt and that is different than being completely done with one another. 

Hang in there hunnie. 

by Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 11:43 AM

Hugs, this is a really difficult time for him to break up. Putting up with so much is not the reason to invest more energy, it is the time to find something better. The heart heals with time, but it is hard. Keep yourself healthy for your kids. 

On my first un-anniversary, my dear friend did a totally crazy wonderful thing. I am rather conservative. She took me to a male dancers club (they danced for women and stripped down to their G-strings). She was letting me know there was more of the world out there waiting for me. She was righthugs.


by Amber on Jun. 15, 2014 at 2:26 PM

This could still go either way mama. A pp is right, DRUING a fight is no time to make decisions.

See if you can meet to talk, alone and calm, about what you can BOTH do to make things work. Even though it feels like he is being a super prick I'm sure there are things he wished were different too.

I'm sorry you're hurting, gl. 

by Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 2:27 PM
It's going to take time, don't beat yourself up if you're not over him asap. Sorry you're going through this.
by on Jun. 15, 2014 at 3:02 PM
Sorry you are going through this. Take time for yourself.
by Silver Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 4:15 PM

It's going to take time, go to a therapist, if you are religious go to "DivorceCare" meetings, give yourself TIME, of course you are devastated and angry! But, there will come a day when you wake up and feel better, I promise. There are safe anti-depressants you can take for a while, check with your doc. This is a big deal honey.

by on Jun. 15, 2014 at 4:29 PM
I'm still not over my ex. its been a year and a million stabs at my heart and soul. I was told the same thing your guy told you. He just gave up. It's not going to be easy by any means. I have only accepted we wont be together, it doesnt mean its easy to deal with. Him being such an ass both hurt on the most painful level ive ever been at and was a blessing because I realized thats who he is choosing to be. I just didn't allow myself to think that i could deal with this new person, if he only gave me the chance. I told myself i deserve better than someone who doesn't care enough to try and i have an opportunity to find that person. I found out that im an extremely strong woman and really do have a lot of self respect. I don't have much of a support system, but the way my dad raised me as a woman made one hell of a difference. And while my kids spend time with their deadbeat dad today, i get to go hug mine and thank him for the background that prepared me to handle this as gracefully as i have.
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