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Seventeen year old daughter wants to see her absent father

Posted by on Jul. 16, 2014 at 8:44 PM
  • 51 Replies
1 mom liked this

I am a mother of  seventeen year old twin girls.  Their father has never been a part of their life. We seperated when i  just found out that i was pregnant due to verbal and physical abuse. So i was left  to raise my daughters on my own. Thanks to my mother i never would of done it on my own. When my girls were seven years old I met my husband ,  he took  the girls in his life  as if they were his own. When my girls turned into teenagers they started asking questions about their real  father, why he doesn't see them or call them. I didn't want to lie to them so i was up front and honest with them and told them that he was a dangerous man and that if he loved them he would of done anything possible to see them. They have been angry for years how their father could do that to them and that they never wanted  to see him. Fathers Day of this year one of my twin daughters decided she wanted to find her real father. I felt like that was her right  and i couldn't stand in her way even though i was very specticale about it. But in the back of my head i was hoping for her that he has changed. She found him on facebook and they started talking to one another. After the second day of talking to him on the phone he started telling her that her grandmother  is nuttier than a squirrel and  that me her mother is a lier and that in our relationship i was the one always attacking him. My husband and I told her that there was not going to be any further communication  because he has proven that he has not changed and that he is not good for her. Her behavior has been nothing but trouble since i stopped all communication. She has been blaming me for stopping her from seeing her own father. She just  won't let it go. She threatens us that she is going to live with him. She got so out of hand three weeks ago that we had to call the police to try to calm her down because she was out of control  of wanting to see her father. She told the police that we abused her and that she didn't want to live at home anymore. She is not the daughter that i raised. Ever since her real father came into the picture we don't know her anymore. She has told her real father that we have abused her ,now he is threatened me to take me to court for child abuse after seventeen years. We have talked hours with her about her father. That in seventeen years he has not made any effort to contact her, that he didn't care enough to pay child support, give them at least a birthday card for their birthday but he has done nothing. She just doesn't want to hear it and she gets defensive and says that he does love her  and i am the one that  got between them. What do I do? She is unmanagable, she doesn't listen to us anymore. All her mind is on is her real father wanting to see him. My husband that she has called dad all these years is now being called by his name

by on Jul. 16, 2014 at 8:44 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Jul. 16, 2014 at 8:54 PM
7 moms liked this

That is so sad, but not surprising, 17 year old girls can be very difficult, and you have a double whammy with his genetics in the mix.  I would let her see him for a couple of hours a week, otherwise when she's 18 she may just move in with him and get whatever plans she has for college derailed. Don't say another word critical of him, let her figure it out.

offrdngal
by Terri on Jul. 16, 2014 at 9:02 PM
8 moms liked this
At this point, maybe it's time for her to find out what kind of person he is. Has he changed? Is he still dangerous? Let her find out. Don't stand in her way, but there for her if/when she gets hurt/let down. Don't criticize him, to her. You don't have to like it, but just let it be. She is old enough to learn, on her own. Tough love. Hopefully , he won't break her heart.
ladyvamp5489
by Bronze Member on Jul. 16, 2014 at 9:06 PM

i agree

Quoting offrdngal: At this point, maybe it's time for her to find out what kind of person he is. Has he changed? Is he still dangerous? Let her find out. Don't stand in her way, but there for her if/when she gets hurt/let down. Don't criticize him, to her. You don't have to like it, but just let it be. She is old enough to learn, on her own. Tough love. Hopefully , he won't break her heart.


countrygirl1234
by Member on Jul. 16, 2014 at 9:21 PM
1 mom liked this

 I guess your right. I just know that this is not going to be a good situation and i am only trying to protect her. But i guess i cant protect her always. How can this man after seveteen years get his children handed to him when i have been there for them thru thick and thin?

AM-BRAT
by Amber on Jul. 16, 2014 at 9:25 PM
1 mom liked this
That's frustrating to think you've put in all these years, to a daughter you love and now have to roll the dice with a man you don't trust. Gl to her, and you.
countrygirl1234
by Member on Jul. 16, 2014 at 9:25 PM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting Lindalou907:

That is so sad, but not surprising, 17 year old girls can be very difficult, and you have a double whammy with his genetics in the mix.  I would let her see him for a couple of hours a week, otherwise when she's 18 she may just move in with him and get whatever plans she has for college derailed. Don't say another word critical of him, let her figure it out.

 thank you for your reply. You are right. It's going to be hard but i have to do this no matter what my feelings are

offrdngal
by Terri on Jul. 16, 2014 at 9:26 PM
If this goes to court, a judge will ask you daughter(s) what they want and then proceed from there. Once she turns 18, she is free to make her own choice.

Quoting countrygirl1234:

 I guess your right. I just know that this is not going to be a good situation and i am only trying to protect her. But i guess i cant protect her always. How can this man after seveteen years get his children handed to him when i have been there for them thru thick and thin?

countrygirl1234
by Member on Jul. 16, 2014 at 9:32 PM

 

Quoting AM-BRAT: That's frustrating to think you've put in all these years, to a daughter you love and now have to roll the dice with a man you don't trust. Gl to her, and you.

This so hard for me. I have been there for my daughter and then she invites this man that is her so called father in her life that hasn't been there and pretty much pushes me away and i'm the one that has been there for her. It should be the other way around don't you think? Whats wrong with this picture? Is there something i am missing?

countrygirl1234
by Member on Jul. 16, 2014 at 9:43 PM

 

Quoting Lindalou907:

That is so sad, but not surprising, 17 year old girls can be very difficult, and you have a double whammy with his genetics in the mix.  I would let her see him for a couple of hours a week, otherwise when she's 18 she may just move in with him and get whatever plans she has for college derailed. Don't say another word critical of him, let her figure it out.

 i guess your right. She is already talking about when she turns 18 she will be old enough to make her own decisions and she doesn't have to listen to me

a_and_j_momma
by Gold Member on Jul. 16, 2014 at 9:57 PM
She is going to resent you. I would let her find out for herself what he is like as long as she is not in physical danger. You should be confident enough with your relationship with her an what you taught her to know that she wouldn't believe what he said
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