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I don 't know where to post this.

Posted by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 2:11 AM
  • 11 Replies
I was in a rough car accident three yrs ago when my younger son was just turning one.

It has caused neurological issue, chronic migraines and unsteady mobility .

Well, he's four now and is beginning to recognize my physical limitations against me.

I understand that he does not understand that I am still in charge even in my condition and he is gotten on to my my husband, my older son , (and me, when I finally catch him.

For instance, we have new neighbors with a child his age and I pushed myself to go over, cane and all to get to know the grandmother and let the boys play . When I was. " done. " ( exhausted, losing words, no longer present for the conversation, I asked the grandmother if she could help me by making an excuse as to why her grandson had to come in for the time being and we had to go home. She did a beautiful job with it.

However, as expected , he was upset and bolted around their house . I text big bro a. ". 911 come help " which he did. ... Before he got there , my child was in their front steps TAUNTING, " now you can 't get me !" Which some serious satisfaction.

I got so angry , and felt helpless, and he knew I was !

Big bro went and FIRMLY carried him to our driveway and it took both of us to keep him from going deadweight and WALK to the house.

I've experience humiliation in my life..., much more now with doctors... But my own child. My four year old child humiliated me by knowing I could not get up the steps has been the most humiliating ever .

Yeah I can threaten and take away stuff, but this is just so much deeper. :-/
What if he never sees me as his authority figure because of some woman hitting me at a stop light? What he just.... Never gets that I 'm I. Charge. Period?

My older son was being taught by this age that I AM the boss..always ( knowing one day he'd be taller and defiant. He's 15 now, a foot taller and hardly even crosses me. He is respectful and helpful... BUT HE LITERALLY was raised by a different version of me... A healthy me, a calmer me, a more " fun"me.

I am saddened. I am saddened that my little thinks this behViour is okay. I have no idea how to deal with it. :-/
by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 2:11 AM
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by Bronze Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 2:16 AM

Oh man, I'm so sorry :( What kind of male figures does he have in his life? Is dad around? Does big brother tell him he's not to treat you like that? Is your dad around to let him know that he won't allow his daughter to be treated that way? That's always the one that finally gets my oldest calmed down. When g'pa has to step in and say no way. 

by Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 2:33 AM
DS is like this right now. He takes advantage of the fact that I'm pregnant and slow, he knows that it takes me a good 30 seconds or more to get up from lying on the couch, and he always has a head start. He's driving me insane.
by Bronze Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:24 AM
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You may have been able to avoid the situation by telling your son that you know he's having a great time playing with his new friend but that you will have to leave in a little while - so would 15 minutes be enough time (for him) to finish playing or would 20 minutes be better?

In other worlds, give him a warning (don't suddenly tell him that he has to leave) - and give him some choices as to when you leave - let him have monitored control. Don't let him feel that your condition is ruining his playtime/fun, and is ruling his life. This way, he should be more considerate (of you), respectful, and cooperative.

It's worth a try! :)

by Amber on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:37 AM
I can't imagine, I'm so sorry.

I agree with slow warnings, updates on when it's time to transition. Does he do any types of organized stuff outside the house? PreK, etc?
by Gold Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 1:58 PM

The slow warnings could be good.  I don't agree with giving him options though.  Not at the age of 4.  Especially since he already doesn't think that you're in charge.  If you need or want to leave in 15 minutes, count it down in 5 minute intervals and then at 1 minute. 

Maybe get him some counseling.  Or family counseling.  He needs to understand that he isn't an adult.  He obviously gets away with more than he should, just due to circumstances.  He needs to be made to understand why that's unacceptable and why it happens.  Sometimes, another person of authority needs to step in and drive that point home.

by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 2:36 PM

 Wow, that sounds extremely frustrating! I'm sure, in time, your ds will learn that he shouldn't take advantage of your physical limitations. In the meantime, you may want to see if you can get the book, Raising Respectful Children In a Disrespectful World by Jill Rigby. She's got some really good insight and ideas on this.

by Kathleen on Jul. 24, 2014 at 3:41 PM

I think you need to approach it similar to what you would if a child is bad at school.  While the consequences at school may or may not be much, a child who knows when they get home the consequences will be even worse will learn to behave at school even without a parent present.  I would start implementing serious consequences at a later time when he misbehaves.  You might not be able to discipline him in the moment and you might have to call the brother like you did, but then when you get home he has serious consequences that will make him think twice of taking advantage of you in the future.  If he knows that you may not always be able to act on discipline right away but that you will do it at a later time it will make him start to think and start to see you as an authority figure.  So, when you get home you tell him that you will let your husband know what happened when he gets home from work and your hsuband will help you remove all his toys from the house or enforce doing chores or whatever you decide as a punishment.  That way it is clear you are the one in charge and the one deciding the punishment but that it is a delayed punishment. 

by Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 4:06 PM
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I'm really sorry you are going thru this and I'm sorry about the accident. I can relate to what you are dealing with to an extent.

I'm disabled due to some medical conditions I have. I wasn't diagnosed until a bit after my dd was born. When she was younger, it didnt effect her as much and she didnt fully grasp what was going on but now she's 3 and its definitely getting more difficult. I'm young, just turned 25 but physically, I can't do some of the things other people my age can do. I don't always have the energy and physically, my body just can't do it. I feel bad that I can't run around with her or that I have to rest and sit down when she just can keep going and going. I know when she gets older she might understand a little better but I just never imagined having to deal with this. It's upsetting that my limitations affect our life.
I get what you said about your oldest being raised by a different "you". I don't have anothe child but when she was younger, my conditions weren't as severe. I remember being pregnant and getting excited about all the awesome things I would do with her and now the time has come and life is just so different.
So although our situations are different, I just wanted to say that I can understand why you feel like this and how hard it must be and I'm sorry. Idk if I have much insight but if you need to talk, I'm here
by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 4:24 PM
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Hun, I am going to send You a friend request. Then we can talk a lot. Take a little time and read some of my post on my profile you will have to go back a little ways to find the first one. I think I named them "Sometimes we all take a little Fall."

My eldest at the time was in college, my son was in high school and my youngest, was in second grade, but she has TBI and Asperger Syndrome and I was at the time a single mother.

I know where YOU are coming from, and even now my medical problems are growing to the point I worry what kind of support I can give my adult children; especially my youngst.

You and I can have lots of conversations, I will be happy to talk with you, listen to you and share with you. I do tend to ramble some when I type, but there is nothing you can't say to me, nothing that will shock me.

by Silver Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 5:29 PM

I'm so sorry for your trouble mama. I think you are still you and this son is a different personality than your first, not to say that you don't have a huge cross to bear with your injuries, but this kiddo is tougher and you're going to have to make sure you take away priveledges and make him do time outs and keep talking sense to him about making good choices.  If big brother has to be the enforcer than so be it, but you have to get control back before your older one moves out. Hugs! I know that must've been so humiliating!

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